Originally Posted by
Tuffgirl 
This above is so common in alcoholic relationships. Here's what I have learned from talking other alcoholics. We all get on so well with our A's because they are masters at manipulating the relationship early on to be exactly what we want them to be. If they become that - it takes the focus off the red flags, like how much and how often they drink.
One recovering alcoholic called it "mirroring" what he knew his then GF wanted. He was a chameleon. It worked for some time.
I look back on my XAH and see the same thing. No wonder I was so enamored. It was like dating myself! I thought he was the love of my life, blah blah blah. Now I realize not only did I not know him as a person, but he didn't know himself either. He was too busy trying to be whatever he thought others wanted him to be.
Accepting this made it that much easier to let it go. I wasn't having a real relationship. I was living a fantasy that was created by my own desires and reinforced by his inability to be his own person.
Yep. Mirroring. VERY common in Borderline, as well. Figures I guess as many long-term addicts are Borderline or have traits.
Mrs. Hammer does this pretty strong. Back when we met she wanted to help hurt kids -- I was doing PTSD type therapy for childhood stuff.
She never really did much into that, but then into Social Work school and after she was working on some of her own problems, and was getting help from a SW / family friend who had worked for CPS. So then she wanted to do that. Again, total mirror. But never did.
She is now back about 100 days from re-hab for an Eating Disorder/Addictions. Guess what, she wants to be a T for Eating Disorders/Addicts. While the place she went has better sense than to hire from the customer base, she has found an agency that will. So change of hair style, clothes, demeanor, etc. -- total mirror of the Eating Rehab, etc., that is the new thing.
Gee, I wanta be a Fireman when I grow up.
Makes me wonder if there is or ever was a real person under there, at all.
At this point, I would not describe things as a relationship. More a User-Ship. She uses me and the kids for what she wants and/or to feel better.
Addicts are Users.