Inter

Hi all,

I'm sorry that my first post is asking for advice rather than giving it, but hoping someone in a similar position can help clear my confusion a little!

Here's the situation in a nutshell: Boyfriend is an extreme, will-die-if-he-drinks-another-drink, 30 units a day, alcoholic in recovery in his early thirties. I'm 34, we met when he had come out of rehab and was sober and on a great path 5 months in (early I know). We've enjoyed an amazing relationship for the last 10 months and I truly believe(d) him to be The One, we get on so well I can't even describe.

But a month ago, he relapsed and it was a really shocking 24-hour drinking binge for 7 days that was pure hell. We're so surprised that he's still alive after it, and I'm sure he wouldn't be if me and his mum hadn't been there to keep him safe.

He had a medical detox at home and was back on the right track, going to meetings etc but just at the end of the detox he had an operation which involved valium which made his addict stay out. A few days later, he began drinking again.

I feel I'm at a crossroads where I have three options: 1) Stay with him and have faith that this is his last time 2) Stay with him and hope that the relapses won't kill him and are infrequent 3) Leave.

Leaving him seems a little cruel at this stage because his 15 months in recovery were so impressive - he was giving it his all - and the second (continuing) relapse was prompted by the drugs from an operation. Plus if I leave it implies I don't have faith in him which isn't very assuring for him. Truth is, I hope/think he can.

But at the same time I'm 34 and don't have the luxury of time to see how things pan out.

Anyone got a crystal ball they can lend me?

MamaKit

Inter,
How about expanding on option #3? Instead of just "Leave" - how about make that "Leave him be to find his recovery/sobriety?"
Beacause you didn't cause his relapse, you can't control it or him and you can't cure it.
With this option, you can go on about your life and do what is best for you.

If he finds his recovery again and you are still available - then maybe you can be together again. Or, by going about you life, you find a better path for you.

Either way you are doing what's best for you and giving him the opportunity to focus on taking care of himself - because sweetie, HE is the only one who can do that.

Hugs,
MamaKit

hunterdan97

Hi Inter - I too am new here and have gotten some great feed back from members over the last few days. I'm sure they will have lots more experienced advice to give, but I thought I would try to give back...
If I could go back to the day I met or even the day I married my husband, I would run like hell. The longer you stay, the more complicated it gets to leave. As I am still trying to wrap my head around addiction is a life long illness, so if you want children and a house and a nice family life - if you stay with this man, you will have to accept that that illness will be in your life and your children's lives forever.
May seem mean to leave him now, but you really need to look at your future. You only have 1 life. Make it a healthy one!

dandylion

Dear Inter, I think that you should become aware that you are treading on thin ice.

In general, it is the norm that early "Love" relationships are a magical time. We are hardwired for this, as human animals, and to be enjoyed for what it is (at the time). After several months, the "real" person begins to emerge. We are no longer struggling to put our best foot forward. It is at this time that we need to evaluate the wisdom of making a lifetime commitment. 10months is a short time in the total scheme of things. It would not be cruel for you to decide not to commit---living with an alcoholic and suffering the relapses, etc. would be cruel to you!! Having children with an alcoholic also has tremendous implications---mostly negative for the child.

I recommend that you take this time in your life to educate yourself--about co-dependency, about the nature of this disease, getting to know yourself better, etc....
You owe this to yourself. You are entitled to know the facts--and not be guided by just your emotions and the fantasy of what you want your life to be with him. You could fill the Grand Canyon with all the stories of broken fantasys that are told on this forum. Very sad.

I probably sound very blunt and cynical to you, I know. I am speaking very straight with you because I am trying to give you a giant dose of reality. You are right, y ou aren't getting younger and recovering form a bad decision (for you) is amazingly time consuming.

I hope that you can take these words in the spirit with which I offer them---with the same love and concern I would give my own daughter.

sincerely, dandylion

CeciliaV

Hi Inter - I'm so sorry for what brought you here, but glad you found SR.

And OH, how I WISH I had that crystal ball...I would take a peek myself and then pass it around to all here! Unfortunately, we can't really know what the future holds. Life with an A is hard. There are lots of ups and downs, and active drinking/relapses can drag down us sober ones if we let them.

For me, learning that I have to take care of me is the most important lesson. I'm still trying to figure out how to DO that, but I'm trying. I've also learned that, when faced with a big decision like staying or leaving, it's okay to decide to not decide if your safety is not in jeopardy. I'll share a saying I've heard floated on here that is worth repeating: "Don't just do something, stand there!" It's okay to take your time. You don't have to figure it all out today.

I'll give you a little summary of my situation...my husband is in rehab right now, and this is his second stint this year. I've been doing all the learning that I can - about the disease (check out Pleasure Unwoven in YouTube - great resources to understand addiction), rehab, recovery, myself, how I can take better care of me, etc. Each day, I find a little more of my own voice and my own self. Each day, I also still struggle with my feelings, emotions, reactions, resentments. I try to remember to do healthy things for myself - I'm building my library to educate myself; I'm finally getting my arse to the doctor for a long overdue checkup & a referral to mental health services (I was unbalanced before my "functional" AH went all dysfunctional, and I'm even more unbalanced now); I'm cooking again; I'm making a point to cuddle with my dog at last twice a day (GREAT medicine).

Is it hard? Yes. Is it worth it to stay with an alcoholic? My short answer right now is that I don't know. If I do end up staying long term, as hunterdan said, I will have to accept that this is a disease that he will have his whole life. I will have to accept that relapses can happen at any time - for him if he doesn't work on his recovery, and also for me if I don't work on mine!

(Oh, and by the way, you're only 34?! You are YOUNG and in your prime!! )

Sending you lots of strength, hope, and hugs.

bless5

Sometimes the hardest thing, and the right thing... are the same thing. I think you know deep down what you need to do. A lifetime of heart ache or a new beginning. He can't give himself to any relationship until he is in complete and total long term recovery.

atalose

What my crystal ball tells me to tell you!!!!

10 months is not a long period of time to truly get to know someone. Let along put your all and future into them.

Look up codependency and see where you might fit into it.

15 months is not a long period of time for an alcoholic to really recover.

And what YOU do know is this:

He is an extreme, will-die-if-he-drinks-another-drink, 30 units a day alcoholic.

Knowing he could die as you put it he still chose to pick up and drink again and binged for 7 days.

Valium didn’t cause him to pick up again for the 2nd time – he chose to again.

It would appear that you have put way more into this relationship and YOUR future with him then he has put into his own recovery.

You don’t have that kind of power – that if you leave it will some how cause him to drink – he causes him to drink, period.

So, crystal ball ends with: you are putting your whole future into someone whose history is filled with alcohol and relapses. History doesn’t repeat itself people repeat history.

stella27

I stayed married for 14 years. If I am honest, I will tell you that on my wedding day I already knew that he made me anxious and miserable. I was so eager to please him and make him love me.

But I let "I can't cancel a WEDDING!" dictate the rest of my life. And now that I have 3 children who are scarred but recovering, I wish that I had left preemptively. Before I had to escape from abuse and a hellish existence.

My crystal ball says go. You are not selfish. You are rescuing yourself from a life of eggshells and fear. It sounds like you want to have children. Find a STABLE father for them. Good luck.

Recovering2

Leaving him doesn't imply you don't have faith in him. It means you recognize that you need to take care of you. You are only 10 months in to this relationship, still at a stage where people are determining if their partner is the right choice long term. You are dealing with an addict who has relapsed twice already since you've known him. Relapse will always be a threat in the relationship, that's just a fact. If you spend your time trying to "keep him safe" you will find that it is an exhausting fruitless road to travel. If you want children, you need to seriously consider those consequences. Read on here about the damage done to people who grew up with an alcoholic parent. I would personally not choose to bring children into that kind of relationship. You have choices, a child would not.

You're 34, still young. Consider AlAnon, read the sticky's at the top of the page. Read "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. Educate yourself as to why you are allowing yourself to become enmeshed in this awful disease. My best advice is to Let Go and Let God. Get out of this while you can, and work on your life. Life is short....don't sign up for this if you don't have to. (((hugs)))

posiesperson

If it were me (with the gift of recovery very present in my life): this man is not available for a relationship with anyone but himself. He is still breaking up with the love of his life (alcohol).

Someday that may change. Someday might be a long way off (decades) or less of a long way off (months/years). Either way, he won't make himself available until he chooses to do so, and in many cases the enabling of a well-intentioned partner is much more of a liability than an asset.

There is no crystal ball, but the experience, strength and hope of this forum will be even better than that. Live your life, Inter...you deserve what you want, and on the timeline you want!

posie

BlueSkies1

When you are in a relationship with an alcoholic you hedge your bets. When you are in a relationship with a non-drinker, you hedge your bets there too.

How is this relationship working for you outside of the drinking? If that's acceptable, then you have to make the decision to stay or leave based on alcohol consumption alone.
"But at the same time I'm 34 and don't have the luxury of time to see how things pan out."
Ok, all relationships have risks, risks of a sudden car accident, and other unknowns. In this relationship you are in, there is a certain for sure risk.
It's a hard decision. Your age implies you may want children. If that's your priority--then go with it and don't deny yourself.
There is no nice, easy answer here. The truth is what it is. Nobody can take away the pain of making this decision for you, but you. What can you live with? Be honest with yourself. If you're too attached, then even if leaving sounds like the right answer, you're not ready to leave, and in that case, keep posting and sorting it out.
Look at it this way--if he relapses again, if you don't get children, if he dies because of his drinking, was the time spent with him worth it?

Santa

What stella27 said. Twenty years and two children later, here's what my crystal ball says: Run!

Eddiebuckle

Inter,

It would be cruel to not hope that he can. But hope and reality can be two very different things when dealing with addiction.

The reality is that he is an extreme alcoholic (that's coming from someone who was hardly a slouch in the drink department, I drank a liter of vodka a day, every day). And if I understand your thread, he has relapsed twice in the last month. Why or how he relapsed is irrelevant. The issue is that he is back to day one again, and to stay sober he will need to put in at least as much effort as he did the first time around. That commitment must be his first priority, and whether you are by his side is secondary... this is life or death for him. The sad truth is if he drinks that way, relapses will kill him eventually.

From the way the three options were phrased, it sounds as though you feel there is a high likelihood that he will relapse again. Having gone through his seven day binge, you know what that looks like. Relapse is not going to morph into something less ugly than what you experienced, if any change occurs it will likely be in how you respond to relapse should that become a new norm in your relationship.

Only he can "save" himself, and the price of that salvation is a lifetime of vigilence. It would not be cruel to do a little saving of yourself - you alone are responsible for your sanity and well being. How you choose to do it is your business, but understand that you cannot change the path he is on, but you absolutely can change your own.

redatlanta

Well, what if he only has one more relapse and it lasts 10 years? Its not so much about frequency rather length of time. Most of them are not short.

For now stick around here. Read and educate. Go to Al Anon.

My crystal ball says don't consider a serious (marriage) relationship with an A unless they have significant recovery 3 - 5 years. Understand that relapse is ALWAYS possible. Mine had one after 10 years sober also a "drink till you die" alkie with multiple health issues due to having been an alcoholic - there just are no assurances it won't happen.

He got sober again. I love the hell out of him - I wouldn't be with him if he were still drinking.

jmartin

I learned about my wife's alcohol problems ten years ago, after fifteen years together. Since then, she has been in AA, counseling, and claims to want to be sober, yet still relapses every few months that I am aware of, there may be many more incidents that she manages to conceal. This seems like nothing compared to what you describe, and yet the surrounding behaviors, the dishonesty, the lying, the simple failure to be present have poisoned the relationship and sapped the life force out of me. Like so many others have said, if I could do it over again, I would have left. Instead, I chose to "honor my commitment." That now seems like such egotistical nonsense. I have given ten years of my life to a hope that now seems impossibly naive next to the incredible power of this disease to destroy life and happiness.

Do some research on the successful recovery rates, it is not pretty. You have to be realistic - there is a very good chance that in a relationship with an A or RA, you will be devoting a very large amount of your time, energy, and thought to their disease, and your response to it, one way or another, for the rest of your life with them. Alanon meetings are full of people who have made this choice, and struggling with the consequences. I have used so much of my capacity trying to understand and solve her issues, support her, help her, it seems like an endless black hole, and so little has been left for keeping my own self healthy and happy. It would be simply impossible for me to advocate this path to anyone.

LadyinBC

Posting as an alcoholic you are in for a lifetime of this person being one. We aren't cured, we can't change it, all we can do is get thru each day without drinking. I know for me, I can't promise anyone I will never drink again.

Are you prepared to bring children into this? Your children have more chances of becoming an alcoholic if they grow up in a home that has one. Getting married, having children will not make them stop.

Are you prepared to put up with this garbage of relapsings over and over again for the rest of your life?? He's given you little reason to have faith in him. Recovery takes a lifetime, not 1 month, 1 year or 4 years. A lifetime of making sure you don't drink again.

Leaving him is not cruel. You staying in this situation is cruel. You are young and there are other people out there, do yourself a favour and move one.

LadyinBC

Sorry I don't mean to sound harsh, it is just the reality.

Rosiepetal

I totally agree with mamakit.
You must focus on yourself & let him work his own recovery.
That way you will both be healthier people.
See what happens after that.

Carol Star

You and his Mom do not have the power to save him. Only his higher power has it. In Alanon we learn the 4 m's- do not mother, manipulate, manage or be a martyr. We didn't cause it, can't cure it, can't control it. But we can contribute. It will be between him and his higher power. It is also said- "work the program you wish he would work." Go to Alanon. See the real deal- not what you have dreamed. Run it through the steps. Denial- don't even know (no) I Am Lying. My family doc told me being with an addict is like having a shiny,red racecar- with no engine in it. Hope he finds his engine. Zen quote- " Let go or be dragged."

posiesperson

One more thought, Inter: my relationship with an active A was 10 months long (though I was dating/married to a dry-drunk acting man, the father of my 2 children, for 17 years). Breaking up with the active A was more painful for me than the divorce. Seriously. Don't get me wrong, the exH has caused plenty of grief, but the depth of the heartbreak with the active A was beyond words. Yes, it was only 10 months...but it hurt like HELL and it wouldn't have gotten better. I can see that now, and I've been in a non-alcoholic/healthy/emotionally functional relationship for the past 1.5 years. It can happen.

"Leaving a relationship preemptively" is not what you would be doing if you leave this relationship. Simply put, you would be choosing the life that any of us would have chosen if we had seen the whole picture, and we are lending the view to you. Whether or not you look at it from this side of things is up to you...we will welcome you here no matter what.

Blessings on your path, and wishing you eventual peacefulness in your decision-making~
posie