Thank you Bob. It is very encouraging to see those who have managed to become and stay sober for such a long time and found their salvation with AA, or whatever means. Thanks again for sharing.
I used support group as a collective term for AA and the likes (even though as I understand it some people feel there is only AA - which is fine of course, whatever helps).
7 days dry now and withstood cravings last night. Patterns are so recognisable. Instead of giving in or letting it overtake me, I binged on sweet/sour candy. And drank liters of sparkling water and herbal tea... like the addict I am. Weird thing is, mentally it felt very similar to a night of drinking and this morning, sober awakening, I thought about how last night, despite not drinking, almost felt the same as doing so, psychologically. It was a test and a reminder.
I gave the AA option a lot of thought. For now I feel not entirely comfortable with groups yet because "working" on my sobriety being around others who are (struggling) as well is a big trigger for me, atm. Hearing war stories or listening to people who had just relapsed, etc. has in the past proven to sustain my twisted thought that it is "ok and normal" to slip or relapse because I am an alcoholic and it is all part of the deal, that it is ok. I need some time for myself to get a tighter grip before I can actively become part of such a program/routine involving others.
I have no problem identifying myself as a serious alcoholic and facing the consequences and what has to be done.
I do (still) have a problem with being part of a group that affirms my identity, one that I am fighting to leave behind.
I realize for some this might sound like being in denial or finding excuses. It might sound arrogant or naïve. With leaving behind my alcoholic life I don't mean I won't be vigilant or forget that I am an alcoholic for life who can not drink. I am not too proud for AA. I just find it does work better for me to focus on positivity, future goals and doing good in daily life, small and beautiful things, instead of focussing on past troubles and problems. I do not want to feed that part of me as giving it too much attention will make it grow. Believe me when I say I have been in therapy/counselling/etc. throughout almost my entire life so there is no lack of insight. I just feel that at the end of the day all this talk and analysis and understanding is wonderful but living it, doing, acting is the only way forward. Talking about alcoholism in a group every week, or day even, will not keep me sober in the long term. Because after all is said and done and I return home, it is I who sit here and find the strength to think about tomorrow and not drink. It is I who has to order coffee instead of beer at some remote airport lounge, waiting for a delayed flight far away from AA. It is I who has to skip the fine wine at a wonderful, heartwarming (family) dinner where everyone indulges.
For now that is. When the day arrives that I find myself losing it, I will pick up not that drink but the phone. I have the local AA number saved in my contacts.