I love this thread! I absolutely just learned I have been codependent ALL my life as a result of this thread.
When I was 7 my family moved to a new state. We had very little and my home life was very depressing and the state of our home was humiliating. I met a little girl neighbor who was 7 as well and I instantly bonded to her, not "with" her but "to" her. She had a lot of nice things: lots of pretty clothes, toys, inground pool, good food, and pretty long blonde hair. Her parents also took her on lavish trips. This little girl abused the hell out of me for years. She made fun of me, chastised me, manipulated me, lied to me, humiliated me and more. She'd hide food from me when I went to her house, she'd call me names and she'd make fun of me in front of others.
I allowed this abuse for one reason: I was getting a massive pay-off. That pay-off was being able to swim in her pool, play with her dolls, go on trips and use
her nice computer, etc. I would have rather gotten abused and stayed at her house with nice luxuries than to go to my own home and sit in depression in
a dark room with little food and an emotionally absent/abusive father. I learned codependence and accepted abuse at a very young age so I could get a pay-off. I stayed "friends" with her up until my 20's yet I never confronted her for all the abuse.
The irony in life is that I eventually grew up to be a better athlete, prettier, and had more friends and a better career. I also wound up on a national TV show and did runway modeling in Beverly Hills. Although karma (I guess you can say, or God) had worked in my favor later in life I was still that same ugly, poor, humiliated, beaten and shamed little girl on the inside and I continued to find men who would repeat the same behaviors to me in relationships as long
as I got my "pay-off." That pay-off could have been a nice looking, successful man or a big diamond or a professional athlete: anything that made me look better or feel better about myself by way of status and superficial things. Because inside I had something to prove! I wanted to prove to everyone (in my childhood) that I could get the best looking guy, the wealthiest, etc....yet they ALL abused me due to their addictions. But still, I accepted it because I had something to prove.
Very, very sick. I am sick. Now that I recognize this I will make a concerted effort to make healthier choices in my future. Thanks for listening to my rant. That was therapeutic
