HealingMySoul

AMEN to this!!! The entire 3 1/2 years I was doing pills, well the last 3 years when I was HEAVILY doing pills I always justified my addiction because if my baby needed diapers, I would get her diapers and if that was ALL the money I had then I would just be sick until I came up with more. I justified it because my babies were/are beautiful, healthy, clean, intelligent, thriving children. I justified with the fact that I never took them on fades (to get my drugs) and they never witnessed it. I thought I was a "better mommy" when I had opiates because I had more energy and could do more.
Only when I became sober did I realize YES I got my babies what they needed first and would go sick until I could get money but, what did I do to GET that money.......and YES my children are amazing and wonderful and absouletely the most GORGEOUS human beings and the ultimate symbols of perfection in my eyes BUT my 4 year old daughter has behavioural issues that I believe come from the 2 abusive relationships I was in and stayed in because they supplied my drugs 99.9% of the time. I was also right that I NEVER took them on fades but how many times did I run out of my house with pills on my mind while my babies cried for me at the door while I left for my fade and how many times I would tell them I'm going to the store and promise them a sucker only to come home an hour later empty handed and with absolutely NOTHING from a "store." I disappointed my precious babies so many times it kills me to think about it. I mean literally I am crying just thinking about it. and YES I had more energy but I was also snappier, and I would yell a lot So many thoughts on my mind and running through my head and absolutely NO ONE to share it with that can relate until NOW finally this forum!!