From the Al-Anon brochure, "Alcoholism, A Merry-Go-Round Called Denial":
"The wife [partner] is the first person who joins the alcoholic [addict] on the Merry-Go-Round. If she absorbs injustices, suffers deprivations, endures repeated embarrassments, accepts broken promises, is outwitted and undermined in every effort to cope with the drinking [using] situation, and is beaten down by the constant expression of hostility directed toward her, her own reaction is hostility, bitterness, anxiety, and anger. Playing the role in this way makes the wife sick......she needs information and counseling, not because she caused her husband's [partner's] illness, but because she is being destroyed by it."
You are in an intense state of grief and shock, and when you can do it, when you can get out of the house, it is time for you to seek help. There will be an Al-Anon meeting where you live--in a city, there will be many. You can find one if you google Al-Anon and your town and state. It is time for you to go there. Your recovery is long overdue, Jodi. Your personal life has been shattered by the impact of addiction in your life, and it is time now for you to go into recovery.
Life will not allow a buried wound to stay buried. It creates decay and destruction to the soul, and Life will find some way to bring it to the surface. There is a history of pain and powerlessness in you because of the impact of addiction in your family and love relationships. Life will not allow you to bury this, Jodi, it will create circumstances which will propel you to get help. For a practicing alcoholic, this is called a bottom. And the same happens to the longtime suffering family member.
There are two choices when we come to such a crossroad: the lower road is to refuse to face the reality of our need for effective help for our codependency and to instead escape our past and our present through the use of drugs, alcohol, or more unhealthy debilitating relationships.
The higher road is to wipe away our tears, comb our hair, apply our lipstick, straighten our shoulders and meet Life's urging to get well ourselves by walking into an Al-Anon meeting or a counselor's office. We can rage against alcoholics and addicts who have injured us only for so long. Then at some crisis moment, we must assume responsibility for making ourselves whole again.
Al-Anon meetings every few days, a good counselor who understands your overwhelming grief, and for at least 3 months, no contact with your addict ex and no information coming in about what he is doing.
This is your bottom and it is time to seek help. You deserve help. You have a beautiful but fragile heart, and a trusting but innocent nature. And it is time now for you to find healing and new roots. It is time for soul work.