My older brother died of his addiction at 25

Old 03-28-2013, 07:00 AM
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My older brother died of his addiction at 25

I woke up this morning just crying, crying, crying. Yelling at God, wanting to die. I gave been through too much. My first divorce with a sex addict (who slept with my friends and neighbors) sent me to the ER because of severe depression and anxiety. Then I meet my xafiance and now he dumps me and moves on. I used to have a healthy self esteem; I am a model, make-up artist and have been on TV as well on a big/national show that I won't disclose. Yet I feel horrible inside, abandoned, rejected, dead. None of the things that should give me confidence make me feel any better, instead I feel even like a bigger loser. Because I gave all I had to him/them. Initially I was "all they dreamed of", "a dream girl" etc then they both lost interest. Discarded me. And now my younger brother stays in contact w my xafiance and they are buddy-buddy and go out and drink and do drugs together. My brother is an addict too....coke, opiates, alcohol. My older brother died in a tragic accident when he was on drugs. He was 25 and we had to "pull the plug" as he was brain dead. I've just been through too much and don't have the strength anymore. All these addicts around me my whole life....and they all wind up abandoning me. My younger brother texted me this morning "you need help." I'm done.
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Old 03-28-2013, 07:10 AM
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Jodie
This looks like it may be "hitting the bottom" for you. I've been there. Different circumstances but you described the feelings well.

There's a high anxiety icky-ness feeling that seems to invade every cell. The good news is....when we hit bottom there's only one direction to go and that's up. Sometimes we have to be torn down to our absolute foundation before we can rebuild a stronger self.

Be kind and gentle with yourself.....do something......anything that soothes your soul today.

gentle hugs
ke
Sweetie.....you've been through a lot. I saw your post in the other thread so I copied and pasted my response here too.

You are in my thoughts and prayers today.

gentle hugs
ke
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Old 03-28-2013, 07:14 AM
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Thanks. I'm in a very low place right now. Can't even get out of bed to work or eat. I'm so sick of being discarded and abandonded with no explanation by addicts. I gave so much love, time, effort. And for what? They used me to feel good about themselves and used me for sex maybe? I don't know. Proposed or married me then left. My life is a joke. Addicts don't even take me seriously.
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Old 03-28-2013, 07:38 AM
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It is so hard to ever made it make sense.

There are two problems here and I say this with the utmost respect.
Addicts are notorious for needing to make everyone around them, the blame and the sick ones. It is defection and a way to protect their addiction. It isn’t personal, they will blame anyone around, especially those who are on to them.

And yet we who watch aren’t all that ok mentally, physically or spiritually. And you do need help, but not because you are any cause or reason why …. And not because you are unlovable.

This takes a toll, and you know I don’t want to point out the obvious, but you really do need to heal, for you, no one but you. And not for any chance missed in the past but for the promise of a future. Yes life is waiting for you, and it will be filled with many endless possibilities.

If there ever was a time to put on your big girl panties and shine it is now.

I can’t even begin to explain how my most desperate of moments was the best catalyst to drive me into getting healthy for me. I was so focused on the pain, hell I think I thrived in it. Actually I did.

So the question now is what can you do for you?

And yes you are most definitely without a doubt worth all your time and effort.
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Old 03-28-2013, 07:40 AM
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I am so sorry for your pain. Your life is not a joke but I understand why you feel that way because I too have felt that way.

Jodie, I did need help! I finally had enough and started to work on me! It was the best thing I have ever done! You are not defined by what others do, think or say! That was a hard one for me to understand and accept but when I finally did, it was life changing!

Time to clean house of all the toxic people in your life and get healthy. It's hard work, but I promise you - you will never regret it!
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Old 03-28-2013, 07:46 AM
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From the Al-Anon brochure, "Alcoholism, A Merry-Go-Round Called Denial":

"The wife [partner] is the first person who joins the alcoholic [addict] on the Merry-Go-Round. If she absorbs injustices, suffers deprivations, endures repeated embarrassments, accepts broken promises, is outwitted and undermined in every effort to cope with the drinking [using] situation, and is beaten down by the constant expression of hostility directed toward her, her own reaction is hostility, bitterness, anxiety, and anger. Playing the role in this way makes the wife sick......she needs information and counseling, not because she caused her husband's [partner's] illness, but because she is being destroyed by it."

You are in an intense state of grief and shock, and when you can do it, when you can get out of the house, it is time for you to seek help. There will be an Al-Anon meeting where you live--in a city, there will be many. You can find one if you google Al-Anon and your town and state. It is time for you to go there. Your recovery is long overdue, Jodi. Your personal life has been shattered by the impact of addiction in your life, and it is time now for you to go into recovery.

Life will not allow a buried wound to stay buried. It creates decay and destruction to the soul, and Life will find some way to bring it to the surface. There is a history of pain and powerlessness in you because of the impact of addiction in your family and love relationships. Life will not allow you to bury this, Jodi, it will create circumstances which will propel you to get help. For a practicing alcoholic, this is called a bottom. And the same happens to the longtime suffering family member.

There are two choices when we come to such a crossroad: the lower road is to refuse to face the reality of our need for effective help for our codependency and to instead escape our past and our present through the use of drugs, alcohol, or more unhealthy debilitating relationships.

The higher road is to wipe away our tears, comb our hair, apply our lipstick, straighten our shoulders and meet Life's urging to get well ourselves by walking into an Al-Anon meeting or a counselor's office. We can rage against alcoholics and addicts who have injured us only for so long. Then at some crisis moment, we must assume responsibility for making ourselves whole again.

Al-Anon meetings every few days, a good counselor who understands your overwhelming grief, and for at least 3 months, no contact with your addict ex and no information coming in about what he is doing.

This is your bottom and it is time to seek help. You deserve help. You have a beautiful but fragile heart, and a trusting but innocent nature. And it is time now for you to find healing and new roots. It is time for soul work.
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Old 03-28-2013, 08:14 AM
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These posts are making me cry. Thank you all so much for your support. I am grieving over my divorce, the death of my drug addicted brother, the death of my best friend, the worry of my younger brother overdosing, and now the abandonment of my axfiance. It's too much to handle anymore. I used to have so much faith in God. He has taken so much from me that I no longer have faith in Him. Thanks for listening. I'm going to an Alanon meeting tonight.
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Old 03-28-2013, 08:28 AM
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Jodie77: I too am praying for your today. I have already prayed for you.

You are in the right place. Please keep coming back. Get to that Al-Anon meeting! Face-to-face is always good - and those people have been through where you are now at and have lived to tell the tale!!

You are loved.
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Old 03-28-2013, 08:57 AM
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Jodie,
If the Al-Anon meeting you attend does not seem a fit for you, then try others until you find one that does. Sometimes we have to try a few different meetings to find the group we feel most comfortable in. You will not have to talk, you can just listen. There is a format that is followed world-wide, which keeps the meeting nicely structured. Pick up the brochures to take home and read.

Al-Anon is a spiritual program, not a religious one. It is founded on the same Twelve Steps of AA, which were crafted by Bill W. and Dr. Bob when they founded AA back in the late 1930's. Before that time, recovery from alcoholism was considered by all medical professionals to be impossible. But the insights of a famous psychiatrist, Dr. Carl Jung, into the nature of addiction and its connection to a spiritual hunger, influenced the world in such a profound way that eventually AA was the outcome.

I share this because the most difficult yet most vital reality we must accept in our own spiritual growth while we are a part of this planet is that we cannot place our ultimate well-being and personal serenity upon anything or anyone outside ourselves. To do so is to make ourselves vulnerable to emotional and spiritual disintegration should outer events change--as they do, in various ways--and we find that what we have attached ourselves to in order to ensure our ultimate happiness has gone away from us.

In families of addiction, life is so uncertain, so unstable, there is always a sense of dread of what may happen next, that the loved ones of alcoholics and addicts are very prone to cling to outer circumstances and to people, no matter how painful or degrading, because the loved one feels, deep inside, that yet another loss, another abandonment, would destroy her. We "depend" on others' actions and feelings and presence for our well-being, our sense of worth, our direction in life. We become co-"dependent" for as the addict depends on something outside himself for a feeling of confidence and well-being (heroin, cocaine, alcohol), we also depend on something outside ourselves in the same way. And when we depend on an addict or alcoholic for our well-being and happiness, we are in a very dangerous situation emotionally, spiritually, mentally.

What spiritual recovery focuses on is our reconnection with a Higher Power, the soul's higher calling, the true meaning and purpose of our lives as designed by a loving creative force which some may call God or by other terms. It is about our soul's relationship to something greater than ourselves. Something which is unchanging, and which will allow us to accept that which Life brings our way, for we have a deeper faith that there is a purpose to all things and a meaning which we may not understand but can accept as it is. We begin to trust the outcome of whatever situation we find ourselves in, whatever pain, whatever challenge, for we have found a serenity about life which is not altered by outer events. This does not mean we don't hurt, or grieve most deeply. It simply means that when pain or confusion comes, we have somewhere to go: to our relationship with a Higher Power who we have come to believe guides and directs all outcomes with a higher wisdom and purpose beyond our understanding.

We can do this soul work in meetings, in counseling. It is good to have a combination of both, as we find strength from others in groups, and we find focus directed solely upon ourselves in counseling.

The process takes time and it is actually life-long, for we are ever being challenged by Life to grow. But without a container of some kind as we meet the chaotic situations which may come to us--the container of a meeting to go to, a counselor to see, a recovery friend on the phone--we find ourselves buffeted by Life's strong winds and can be blown so far adrift from our purpose and our true self that we are lost. This is when we are most vulnerable to the escape into substance abuse or destructive relationship with unstable and untrustworthy persons.

It's good you are planning a meeting, Jodie. It takes great courage to begin recovery for oneself. Your pain today may be a new door opening to heal a wounding which has long been calling for your attention.
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Old 03-28-2013, 09:14 AM
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There's a really great book called Codependant No More by Melodie Beattie. I just finished reading it a couple months ago. It was really helpful to me.
I can really identify with all the things you've been through, as my life has been very similar, including losing my brother because of alcohol, although he was 16. My mother died from alcohol poisoning at the age of 49.
Al-Anon offers amazing support as well.
I'm codependent and an addict/alcoholic...in recovery for all three!!

It will get better!!
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