And now that I'm home...
Welcome to the Board, Jodie. I'm happy you found us, although I'm sad for you regarding the reasons you've come to us. Without having read all the replies to your posts, I'm highly certain the cast of characters that did reply to you have given you comfort and have shared their wisdom.
As someone that was dumped by an addict, I empathize with your pain. But whether you realize this or not, he's given you a gift. There should be no mystery as to what and who he is at this moment in time. He's a sick, sick man, and as long as he's on his current path, he's simply incapable of being an accountable, responsible, honest partner in a relationship. Not only that, he's simply incapable of being an accountable, responsible, honest parent.
But enough about him. Coming here is about you. As someone who empathizes with your pain, I'm going to be straight with you: the days and weeks to come are going to suck at times, and you will have to accept and sit with all those awful feelings. There is no avoiding it. But as awful as it's going to be, it will not kill you. Trust me on this, Jodie.
Right now, it's a time to be gentle to yourself. To be kind to yourself. There will come a time when you'll have to look back at all of your choices, your denial as to what it was you were dealing with, etc. Tonight's not that time, though. Right now, do your best to get through your days. Read as many of the posts and sticky notes as you can in the days to come. Learn as much as you can. And as difficult as this may be for you right now, think of the things you are grateful for.
What helped me a lot initially was asking God to help carry my pain. And He did. He'll help you, too, if you ask Him.
Take care, and please let us know how you're doing.
Best,
ZoSo