My addicted fiancé dumped me. Devastated & need support :(
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 348
My addicted fiancé dumped me. Devastated & need support :(
Like so many of you I have lived with, tried to rescue, make sense of, loved, went "crazy", made excuses for, and ultimately got discarded by my drug addicted fiancé. I'm baffled. I'm devastated. And I'm left ONCE AGAIN to pick up the pieces of this sick relationship that has nearly sent me off the deep end. It's the same story: when we met he was all I dreamed of--handsome, charming, successful (owns his own business), caring, wonderful intimacy and shared dreams. I was just coming out of a divorce (from a porn addicted husband) and thought all my dreams and prayers were answered with my now (unbeknownst to me) drug/alcohol addicted boyfriend (who would eventually become my fiancé). Sigh.
To make a very long and painful story short (you've all heard it 1,000 times over) I'm successful, compassionate, driven, attractive, and forgiving to a fault; but I'm also very determined and stubborn and I thought had relatively high self esteem. I've never done drugs. I loathe them. I met him at a vulnerable time and was literally swept off my feet. He too was going through a divorce and had 3 beautiful, very young children (I thought he was an amazing/attentive/affectionate/supportive/doting father, and that turned me
on). I had met the man I was going to marry.
Initially the red flags were there with binge drinking on the weekends but I saw how dedicated he was to his job with high work ethic (never missing a day of work) so I didn't think his drinking was a problem. I soon learned he was in rehab for a month prior to meeting me and he said "I was told I could leave and didn't need to be there because I was nothing like those people." I believed him. Eventually I surmised he was doing coke while drinking, due to his multiple trips to the bathroom and powder on his nose when he returned! He swore I was crazy. I started to believe him. After a few years of this pattern (months of getting along followed by emotional/verbal abuse) he started to pull away. Didn't want me to touch him, didn't want intimacy, didn't want me around and started neglecting me. Was literally never there for me. Yet he told me every day I was all he had ever dreamed of and both he and his children couldn't live without me.
He then stopped returning my calls and I threw the towel in. After weeks he came around and said he was so embarrassed to admit he's going back to rehab this time for opiates. It now made sense why he kept nodding off on the couch and never wanted sex. He told me it was because he was tired from work and also his hormones were depleted due to steroid use. Once again, I believed him.
Once he went into rehab he wanted nothing to do with me. So even though I had no answers I tried moving on with my life. Two months later he's "clean" and is "a new man" and ready to commit. He buys me a 5 carat diamond ring, proposes in NYC in a penthouse and we are on our way to making wedding plans. Within a week he was being cold, distant, unaffectionate and emotionally abusive again. I thought maybe he was stressed from work. He treated me horribly for Christmas, New Years, Valentine's Day and so on and was back to being impossible to be around yet I'm begging, crying, cleaning the house, loving him more....whatever it took to get him back to "normal." Stupid me never suspected drugs again. He told me out of the blue via text although he "loves" me, he's not happy and knows he treats me poorly and he needs to get therapy for his attitude. He told me to move out (it's been 2 months since he proposed). Once again, not understanding why, I got dumped and moved out.
He was being very callous and cruel throughout the breakup yet every now and then I'd get a text at midnight apologizing and saying "you don't deserve this." Still baffled I stopped contact. Then (a few days ago) I get a long email saying he's back on weed, taking opiates and trying to monitor with suboxone, tried coke again (not to mention the drinking), and that he has blown his life and will always love me but he's "working on himself again." Nowhere did he mention rehab, reconciliation, AA, continuing care, etc. He calls off an engagement to someone who loved him, supported him, stood by his side...and yet he doesn't mention getting help or getting clean, just that he's sorry.
I'm a mess. I don't eat, sleep is a joke, I barely work and I'm devastated and depressed. When I look in the mirror I have aged 5 years in 1 month. I have no answers or closure and although I know I need to move on I can't seem to pull it together. I feel so abandoned. After everything I went through and did for him for 4 years, he dumped me again! Please help :/
To make a very long and painful story short (you've all heard it 1,000 times over) I'm successful, compassionate, driven, attractive, and forgiving to a fault; but I'm also very determined and stubborn and I thought had relatively high self esteem. I've never done drugs. I loathe them. I met him at a vulnerable time and was literally swept off my feet. He too was going through a divorce and had 3 beautiful, very young children (I thought he was an amazing/attentive/affectionate/supportive/doting father, and that turned me
on). I had met the man I was going to marry.
Initially the red flags were there with binge drinking on the weekends but I saw how dedicated he was to his job with high work ethic (never missing a day of work) so I didn't think his drinking was a problem. I soon learned he was in rehab for a month prior to meeting me and he said "I was told I could leave and didn't need to be there because I was nothing like those people." I believed him. Eventually I surmised he was doing coke while drinking, due to his multiple trips to the bathroom and powder on his nose when he returned! He swore I was crazy. I started to believe him. After a few years of this pattern (months of getting along followed by emotional/verbal abuse) he started to pull away. Didn't want me to touch him, didn't want intimacy, didn't want me around and started neglecting me. Was literally never there for me. Yet he told me every day I was all he had ever dreamed of and both he and his children couldn't live without me.
He then stopped returning my calls and I threw the towel in. After weeks he came around and said he was so embarrassed to admit he's going back to rehab this time for opiates. It now made sense why he kept nodding off on the couch and never wanted sex. He told me it was because he was tired from work and also his hormones were depleted due to steroid use. Once again, I believed him.
Once he went into rehab he wanted nothing to do with me. So even though I had no answers I tried moving on with my life. Two months later he's "clean" and is "a new man" and ready to commit. He buys me a 5 carat diamond ring, proposes in NYC in a penthouse and we are on our way to making wedding plans. Within a week he was being cold, distant, unaffectionate and emotionally abusive again. I thought maybe he was stressed from work. He treated me horribly for Christmas, New Years, Valentine's Day and so on and was back to being impossible to be around yet I'm begging, crying, cleaning the house, loving him more....whatever it took to get him back to "normal." Stupid me never suspected drugs again. He told me out of the blue via text although he "loves" me, he's not happy and knows he treats me poorly and he needs to get therapy for his attitude. He told me to move out (it's been 2 months since he proposed). Once again, not understanding why, I got dumped and moved out.
He was being very callous and cruel throughout the breakup yet every now and then I'd get a text at midnight apologizing and saying "you don't deserve this." Still baffled I stopped contact. Then (a few days ago) I get a long email saying he's back on weed, taking opiates and trying to monitor with suboxone, tried coke again (not to mention the drinking), and that he has blown his life and will always love me but he's "working on himself again." Nowhere did he mention rehab, reconciliation, AA, continuing care, etc. He calls off an engagement to someone who loved him, supported him, stood by his side...and yet he doesn't mention getting help or getting clean, just that he's sorry.
I'm a mess. I don't eat, sleep is a joke, I barely work and I'm devastated and depressed. When I look in the mirror I have aged 5 years in 1 month. I have no answers or closure and although I know I need to move on I can't seem to pull it together. I feel so abandoned. After everything I went through and did for him for 4 years, he dumped me again! Please help :/
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
He gave you the best gift he ever could have. Even though I know it hurts like hell.
He really has nothing to offer you at all, not now, maybe not ever. I wouldn't be holding my breath or stopping my life at all.
I would take what he wrote as how it is, and I would be grateful for the information. He didn’t write about getting help because he isn’t, he is using, he is still trying to play that same old game of I can control this. Not fun to watch….It isn’t personal at all, don’t take it that way.
A bit of unsolicited advice. You went from one addict to another, there is some reason. You aren’t here by happenstance. I would explore who you are, find your whys especially in how you got into another relationship with an addict. There is a reason, it is all about who you are.
Pamper and be gentle with yourself. And take good care of you because you deserve it.
He really has nothing to offer you at all, not now, maybe not ever. I wouldn't be holding my breath or stopping my life at all.
I would take what he wrote as how it is, and I would be grateful for the information. He didn’t write about getting help because he isn’t, he is using, he is still trying to play that same old game of I can control this. Not fun to watch….It isn’t personal at all, don’t take it that way.
A bit of unsolicited advice. You went from one addict to another, there is some reason. You aren’t here by happenstance. I would explore who you are, find your whys especially in how you got into another relationship with an addict. There is a reason, it is all about who you are.
Pamper and be gentle with yourself. And take good care of you because you deserve it.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
We understand,Jodie77.We've all been there.
It is EXTREMELY HARD because we do not WANT
to comprehend how the addicted mind works.
1.Can't you see how much I care?
(Yes,I do,I count on it.You have been programmed by decades
of feel good media/programming to believe that 'love always wins
in the end'. I use that belief to separate you from your resources).
2.How could you be so cruel?
(Cruelty is a non sequitor to me.It implies empathy--which is a high
order function that I have no use for.You go to the grocery store
with money....that you exchange for food...and which the store
employees can in return exchange for goods they need.I go to the
store with a pistol----and take what I need.And if the poor grocery
lady is traumatized for the rest of her life? -- I DON'T CARE!)
3.WHY are you doing this to me?
(I don't recognize that there IS a YOU.I have devolved to a point where
I am a spider,and you are a fly.Full of juice that I need to sustain my
addiction.Spiders don't "talk it out" with flies.They trap and eat them.)
4.But you were so charming,handsome,successful,etc.!
(How close to your resources would I have been able to get if I were an
uncouth,boorish,ugly,repellant piece of trash that sent women and children
screaming?)
Jodie,this piece is especially hard hitting.....I pray your feeling are not hurt by
it---but the passage you wrote,to whit:
>>>>I'm a mess. I don't eat, sleep is a joke, I barely work and I'm devastated and depressed.
When I look in the mirror I have aged 5 years in 1 month. I have no answers or closure
and although I know I need to move on I can't seem to pull it together. I feel so abandoned.
After everything I went through and did for him for 4 years, he dumped me again!
Please help :/ >>>>>>>>>
.......is no joke.We have all been there or we wouldn't BE here.We are not fools,
romantics,or losers.Some of us function at the highest places in society.
Don't do this.Listen to the wisdom of SR.Although anonymous,these people care
because each and every one of us has fought our way out of a web or two and know
the extreme importance of winning this battle against addiction.
Running in this context is not cowardice.It is a tactical retreat to marshall your
emotional,financial,and time resources----to fight another day.....in battles WORTH
fighting.
We understand very well.The hurt.The disappointment.The sadness.
Napoleon said it best.Nothing is more difficult,and therefore more precious,than to
be able to decide.
So decide that you are better than this.Decide that you will not allow yourself to
be treated like this.
Then execute a plan of action that reflects on this decision.
......you KNOW we will all be rooting for you!
It is EXTREMELY HARD because we do not WANT
to comprehend how the addicted mind works.
1.Can't you see how much I care?
(Yes,I do,I count on it.You have been programmed by decades
of feel good media/programming to believe that 'love always wins
in the end'. I use that belief to separate you from your resources).
2.How could you be so cruel?
(Cruelty is a non sequitor to me.It implies empathy--which is a high
order function that I have no use for.You go to the grocery store
with money....that you exchange for food...and which the store
employees can in return exchange for goods they need.I go to the
store with a pistol----and take what I need.And if the poor grocery
lady is traumatized for the rest of her life? -- I DON'T CARE!)
3.WHY are you doing this to me?
(I don't recognize that there IS a YOU.I have devolved to a point where
I am a spider,and you are a fly.Full of juice that I need to sustain my
addiction.Spiders don't "talk it out" with flies.They trap and eat them.)
4.But you were so charming,handsome,successful,etc.!
(How close to your resources would I have been able to get if I were an
uncouth,boorish,ugly,repellant piece of trash that sent women and children
screaming?)
Jodie,this piece is especially hard hitting.....I pray your feeling are not hurt by
it---but the passage you wrote,to whit:
>>>>I'm a mess. I don't eat, sleep is a joke, I barely work and I'm devastated and depressed.
When I look in the mirror I have aged 5 years in 1 month. I have no answers or closure
and although I know I need to move on I can't seem to pull it together. I feel so abandoned.
After everything I went through and did for him for 4 years, he dumped me again!
Please help :/ >>>>>>>>>
.......is no joke.We have all been there or we wouldn't BE here.We are not fools,
romantics,or losers.Some of us function at the highest places in society.
Don't do this.Listen to the wisdom of SR.Although anonymous,these people care
because each and every one of us has fought our way out of a web or two and know
the extreme importance of winning this battle against addiction.
Running in this context is not cowardice.It is a tactical retreat to marshall your
emotional,financial,and time resources----to fight another day.....in battles WORTH
fighting.
We understand very well.The hurt.The disappointment.The sadness.
Napoleon said it best.Nothing is more difficult,and therefore more precious,than to
be able to decide.
So decide that you are better than this.Decide that you will not allow yourself to
be treated like this.
Then execute a plan of action that reflects on this decision.
......you KNOW we will all be rooting for you!
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
When I finally read Codependent No More, my eyes and mind started to open for the first time in years. I would highly recommend reading it.
Healthy people attract healthy people. Boy, did I need to get healthy.
Healthy people attract healthy people. Boy, did I need to get healthy.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Jodie
I am so very sorry for the pain you are feeling right now. Your heart hearts terribly....that is evident. I want to welcome you to SR but, please know that I'm so very sorry for the circumstances that bring you here.
After the initial shock of the breakup, I think it's normal to go through a grieving period. It's normal to mourn the relationship that you thought you had with him. It's ok to feel sad, numb, and shaken.......
I want to gently suggest that you begin to take care of you. You listed a bunch of very wonderful characteristics about yourself......and unfortunately, addicts have a special radar to find people who have lots of love to give. When given in the right circumstances, those characteristics are wonderful assets......in the wrong circumstances, those same characteristics can work against us. It's not a personal "defect" unless you continue to become involved with men who do not treat you with the love and care you deserve.
I often share with people who come here after a break up that two years after a dreadful divorce from my XAH (ex-addicted husband), I met my current husband. He is kind, gentle, loving, funny, communicative, and demonstrates that he loves me every single day in the things he does. We've been married 28 years. If I hadn't divorced my XAH, my heart never would have been open and available for life with such a dear man. The divorce was an ugly pain (we also had a small child together) but the last 28 years have been pretty darn good on the marriage front.....and with an addicted adult son.....that's saying something because that can really take a toll on a marriage!
Time heals......and time takes time......however much is needed.
gentle hugs
ke
I am so very sorry for the pain you are feeling right now. Your heart hearts terribly....that is evident. I want to welcome you to SR but, please know that I'm so very sorry for the circumstances that bring you here.
After the initial shock of the breakup, I think it's normal to go through a grieving period. It's normal to mourn the relationship that you thought you had with him. It's ok to feel sad, numb, and shaken.......
I want to gently suggest that you begin to take care of you. You listed a bunch of very wonderful characteristics about yourself......and unfortunately, addicts have a special radar to find people who have lots of love to give. When given in the right circumstances, those characteristics are wonderful assets......in the wrong circumstances, those same characteristics can work against us. It's not a personal "defect" unless you continue to become involved with men who do not treat you with the love and care you deserve.
I often share with people who come here after a break up that two years after a dreadful divorce from my XAH (ex-addicted husband), I met my current husband. He is kind, gentle, loving, funny, communicative, and demonstrates that he loves me every single day in the things he does. We've been married 28 years. If I hadn't divorced my XAH, my heart never would have been open and available for life with such a dear man. The divorce was an ugly pain (we also had a small child together) but the last 28 years have been pretty darn good on the marriage front.....and with an addicted adult son.....that's saying something because that can really take a toll on a marriage!
Time heals......and time takes time......however much is needed.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 348
Thank you all SO very much for your kind words, insight, compassion and support. I appreciate each one of your responses. I'm actually reading Codependent No More currently. I still can't wrap my head around why, if I'm everything he said I was, and he "cries himself to sleep at night", why he dumped ME. It was so cruel (especially after the 2 month hiatus we had) because we got engaged and he seemed so happy. His mindset changed on a dime. None of this makes sense.
He's 40 years old, not 21. I now realize why he left his first wife (she is so gracious, beautiful, has a Masters in Psychology and is a great mother). Why does he think he can "control" his addiction? He's not worried about his health and although to the eye he appears to be VERY healthy, he actually has a congenital heart defect. I worry about his heart. How can he be so immature yet successfully run a business and be an available father? Why did I have to be the one who got tossed to the side? There seem to be so many inconsistencies and I'm confused not to mention depressed like hell.
Why is he OK with discarding me if I was so "great" to him? That's what I'm baffled by. Will he ever realize what he's lost or even care? And why so mailed failed rehab stints. He's extremely intelligent. Ugh I have no idea. He also mentioned he was bipolar so perhaps he's trying to self medicate. Who knows. Thanks for listening. No one else understands....
He's 40 years old, not 21. I now realize why he left his first wife (she is so gracious, beautiful, has a Masters in Psychology and is a great mother). Why does he think he can "control" his addiction? He's not worried about his health and although to the eye he appears to be VERY healthy, he actually has a congenital heart defect. I worry about his heart. How can he be so immature yet successfully run a business and be an available father? Why did I have to be the one who got tossed to the side? There seem to be so many inconsistencies and I'm confused not to mention depressed like hell.
Why is he OK with discarding me if I was so "great" to him? That's what I'm baffled by. Will he ever realize what he's lost or even care? And why so mailed failed rehab stints. He's extremely intelligent. Ugh I have no idea. He also mentioned he was bipolar so perhaps he's trying to self medicate. Who knows. Thanks for listening. No one else understands....
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
we understand!
not trying to be simplistic, but it's what addicts do, and it's what addiction does to addicts.......and the people that love them. WRECK EVERYTHING.
addiction is the great equalizer, doesn't matter how cute, smart, or rich you are, nor race, social status, degrees, neither gender nor sex - addiction will gobble them all up. even when they WANT to, addicts can't make good choices - it's always dope first. doesn't matter if your the hottest woman or man in the room, or the police, or the doctor saying "do that again and you'll die" - love doesn't cure addiction, waving babies in their face won't cure it. it's a singularly LOUSY disease for which there is no CURE - only a chance to put it in remission and then spend your life committed to keeping it there.
he was using before you met. he was using when you met. he's still using. it's messed up but it's what it is. coke jacks people up and then kicks them off an 80 story building without a parachute. you're up one minute (let's get married, great idea!) and down the next (changed my mind, can't do this, go away).
your relationship had a pattern to it..together....apart....together...apart, dosie do. how you feel right now should be your BEST indicator that this was not good for YOU. it's been chaos and upheaval, hopes built, and hopes dashed.
and while you might not "get" this right now...it had nothing to do with you...the drugs, the volatility, the seeming rejection. he just CAN'T be that guy.......not til he deals with his demons....and that could take a long long time.
not trying to be simplistic, but it's what addicts do, and it's what addiction does to addicts.......and the people that love them. WRECK EVERYTHING.
addiction is the great equalizer, doesn't matter how cute, smart, or rich you are, nor race, social status, degrees, neither gender nor sex - addiction will gobble them all up. even when they WANT to, addicts can't make good choices - it's always dope first. doesn't matter if your the hottest woman or man in the room, or the police, or the doctor saying "do that again and you'll die" - love doesn't cure addiction, waving babies in their face won't cure it. it's a singularly LOUSY disease for which there is no CURE - only a chance to put it in remission and then spend your life committed to keeping it there.
he was using before you met. he was using when you met. he's still using. it's messed up but it's what it is. coke jacks people up and then kicks them off an 80 story building without a parachute. you're up one minute (let's get married, great idea!) and down the next (changed my mind, can't do this, go away).
your relationship had a pattern to it..together....apart....together...apart, dosie do. how you feel right now should be your BEST indicator that this was not good for YOU. it's been chaos and upheaval, hopes built, and hopes dashed.
and while you might not "get" this right now...it had nothing to do with you...the drugs, the volatility, the seeming rejection. he just CAN'T be that guy.......not til he deals with his demons....and that could take a long long time.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Your story is very familiar to me. I'm sure you are completely exhausted. It will be very important now to concentrate on your health. If you can afford it, I suggest a counselor for your mental health, a regular schedule of therapeutic massage for your physical health, and an increase of daily water intake and B vitamins. What you have been through is comparable on an emotional level to the experience of a major and devastating car crash.
The beaten-down man with his head in his hands is such a hook for a loving woman. This forum is packed with rescuers, men and women alike. We rescue all the strung out drug addicts and the relapsed alcoholics and the bankrupt crackheads. And one reason we do so is because the beaten-down hopeless desperate self-hating shame-filled ego-deflated human being is the one we love most of all. Some of us were born this way. Some were trained by our families. But that is our method of operation until we hit our personal brick wall.
He has had you quite on a hook, and that is one of the unchanging elements of the addict script: the loved one is on a hook. And my guess is you have not heard the last of him. Please continue your recovery, as you have started here and perhaps there as well, for you are extremely vulnerable to his influence and in your current state of mind could so easily be persuaded that the reality-- which is so apparent to all of us here on the outside-- is not really real. But it is very real. He operates with the mind of a full-blown drug addict, and that mind is predatory, self-seeking, and callous beyond belief. You cannot yet absorb this. But in time you will look back and see the undercurrent of threat which was always there in the relationship.
It's good you have found SR. You are not crazy and none of this is your fault. But now that you do know he is in active addiction, the choice to return to him--which may present itself--will be your own, your responsibility, and the consequences of that will be paid not only by you but by all those who love you dearly. Please try to stay away from contact with him until you get your head straight. It will take as long as is necessary, but most here suggest a full year of recovery and self-focus to find our health again.
You could have died in this relationship.
The beaten-down man with his head in his hands is such a hook for a loving woman. This forum is packed with rescuers, men and women alike. We rescue all the strung out drug addicts and the relapsed alcoholics and the bankrupt crackheads. And one reason we do so is because the beaten-down hopeless desperate self-hating shame-filled ego-deflated human being is the one we love most of all. Some of us were born this way. Some were trained by our families. But that is our method of operation until we hit our personal brick wall.
He has had you quite on a hook, and that is one of the unchanging elements of the addict script: the loved one is on a hook. And my guess is you have not heard the last of him. Please continue your recovery, as you have started here and perhaps there as well, for you are extremely vulnerable to his influence and in your current state of mind could so easily be persuaded that the reality-- which is so apparent to all of us here on the outside-- is not really real. But it is very real. He operates with the mind of a full-blown drug addict, and that mind is predatory, self-seeking, and callous beyond belief. You cannot yet absorb this. But in time you will look back and see the undercurrent of threat which was always there in the relationship.
It's good you have found SR. You are not crazy and none of this is your fault. But now that you do know he is in active addiction, the choice to return to him--which may present itself--will be your own, your responsibility, and the consequences of that will be paid not only by you but by all those who love you dearly. Please try to stay away from contact with him until you get your head straight. It will take as long as is necessary, but most here suggest a full year of recovery and self-focus to find our health again.
You could have died in this relationship.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 168
Jodie,
All I would say is step out of your situation and lok from the inside out into your relationship..
What would you say to your best friend or your daughter or sister if she told you what you told us?
I would bet that you would say to her, honey you are beautiful, smart, successful, caring charming and you could do much better he does not deserve you you deserve to be truly happy and not have to deal with his c**p.
The hardest part is applyiing those advice to ourself.
Hugs take care of yourself before you can take care of anyone else.
All I would say is step out of your situation and lok from the inside out into your relationship..
What would you say to your best friend or your daughter or sister if she told you what you told us?
I would bet that you would say to her, honey you are beautiful, smart, successful, caring charming and you could do much better he does not deserve you you deserve to be truly happy and not have to deal with his c**p.
The hardest part is applyiing those advice to ourself.
Hugs take care of yourself before you can take care of anyone else.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 505
Jodie77, my heart aches for you. Although I was only with my XA for 16 months and it wasn't a 'committed' thing (at least to him), your story hit many triggers for me. I also torment myself with the 'why, why, WHY's???' of my situation. All of us here have been there or are STILL there, and what I'm learning through reading so many other stories here is that there is NO reason why, other than that they are addicts and THAT'S WHAT ADDICTS DO. I don't know if you've had a chance to read it yet, but if not, please read the sticky at the top of this forum entitled "What Addicts Do." It really helped me start understanding that I'm never going to find out WHY he did what he did, I'm never going to get the closure I so desperately need and want - the fact is he DID it and has moved on with his life, not giving me another thought, making it more than clear that I am NOTHING to him. I was simply an object for him to use as he wished and then toss aside when he grew tired of me and moved onto the next thing. It's almost four weeks since he dumped me by text, and I'm just getting back to functioning normally again and not wanting to cry every second of every day. The pain is still there, but it's not as sharp as it was even a few days ago.
You're already doing some excellent reading....I've just started Women Who Love Too Much. Keep coming here to read and vent - it really DOES help. I honestly do not know where I'd be right now if I hadn't found SR three weeks ago - the people here are AMAZING and they are all here to HELP. I just found a therapist who I click with and had my first appt last night. We didn't get into a lot of stuff, but even the few things we did talk about helped to take the weight off so I could breathe a little easier. And as EnglishGarden suggested, PLEASE be good to yourself and think about putting yourself first for a change. The main thing that is going to help you through this awful heartache right now is TIME. Everything heals with time - please take as long as you need to heal. (((HUGS)))
You're already doing some excellent reading....I've just started Women Who Love Too Much. Keep coming here to read and vent - it really DOES help. I honestly do not know where I'd be right now if I hadn't found SR three weeks ago - the people here are AMAZING and they are all here to HELP. I just found a therapist who I click with and had my first appt last night. We didn't get into a lot of stuff, but even the few things we did talk about helped to take the weight off so I could breathe a little easier. And as EnglishGarden suggested, PLEASE be good to yourself and think about putting yourself first for a change. The main thing that is going to help you through this awful heartache right now is TIME. Everything heals with time - please take as long as you need to heal. (((HUGS)))
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
EnglishGarden makes SUCH an excellent point.
We are not professional rescuers.We are amateurs.
An amateur rescuer vs a professional addict is going to get slaughtered.
If a professional rescuer tries to get 'cute',disregard his/her standard
operating procedures,operational limits---and go for the "hero gold"...he
or she doesn't get a pat on the back----he or she gets their qualifications
pulled,a severe reprimand,and likely loss of status/badge/wings/whatever.
Try it again and they will likely find themselves unemployed.
You are on SR now.You are amongst friends who want to see you beat
this thing.And beat it you will.The preferred weapon of ALL these 'types' is
ISOLATION. Separating you from the emotional/logical body politic of humanity.
Because they know that their highest probabilities of success lie in keeping you
unaware,confused,self doubting,and on unsure footing.
Play this game like a pro.Use SR as a continuing education resource.
When your limits are reached---abort the activity without remorse and without
regret.
Abuse=Abort.Keep your hand on that handle and DON'T be afraid to pull it.
And EG,this quote of yours:
"The beaten-down man with his head in his hands is such a hook for a loving woman"
......is pure gold!
We are not professional rescuers.We are amateurs.
An amateur rescuer vs a professional addict is going to get slaughtered.
If a professional rescuer tries to get 'cute',disregard his/her standard
operating procedures,operational limits---and go for the "hero gold"...he
or she doesn't get a pat on the back----he or she gets their qualifications
pulled,a severe reprimand,and likely loss of status/badge/wings/whatever.
Try it again and they will likely find themselves unemployed.
You are on SR now.You are amongst friends who want to see you beat
this thing.And beat it you will.The preferred weapon of ALL these 'types' is
ISOLATION. Separating you from the emotional/logical body politic of humanity.
Because they know that their highest probabilities of success lie in keeping you
unaware,confused,self doubting,and on unsure footing.
Play this game like a pro.Use SR as a continuing education resource.
When your limits are reached---abort the activity without remorse and without
regret.
Abuse=Abort.Keep your hand on that handle and DON'T be afraid to pull it.
And EG,this quote of yours:
"The beaten-down man with his head in his hands is such a hook for a loving woman"
......is pure gold!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 505
Originally Posted by Vale 
And EG,this quote of yours:
"The beaten-down man with his head in his hands is such a hook for a loving woman"
......is pure gold!
"The beaten-down man with his head in his hands is such a hook for a loving woman"
......is pure gold!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 348
I already feel a sense of relief knowing you all understand and I can't thank you enough. I'd like to thank each and every one of you for taking the time to read my story and for offering such wise and loving advice. It means so so much to me as I felt like a one man army until finding this site.
It has been a month since I moved out. Week 2 was the absolute hardest for me; I thought I would die from the pain. I still love him so much and need constant reminders that I will be better off, that it's not anything I did or didn't do, and that he was taking me down with him. He seems so unfazed by the loss of me as he went out partying on St Patty's Day, drinking and drugging all night....as if he didn't just end an engagement.
His behavior is baffling and I'm learning "that's what addicts do." I just fear he'll find someone he falls in love with and is happier with her and gets clean for her, yet I had to deal with all of the rejection and toxicity. And for what? I'm 35 and invested everything into him and his 3 children (as I do not have children of my own). He gave me false hope that he would give me a child of my own one day and kept me on a yo-yo for years. I felt like I was playing house with a 40 year old.
I guess for me it's learning the "why's." But I guess I'll never get answers and I can't make sense out of senselessness. I just don't want to be toyed with anymore. He was the most selfish, self centered, self seeking person I'd ever met. Literally EVERYTHING revolved around him: his schedule, his itinerary, his wants, his needs, his children, his job, his house, his addictions. There wasn't any room left for me.
It has been a month since I moved out. Week 2 was the absolute hardest for me; I thought I would die from the pain. I still love him so much and need constant reminders that I will be better off, that it's not anything I did or didn't do, and that he was taking me down with him. He seems so unfazed by the loss of me as he went out partying on St Patty's Day, drinking and drugging all night....as if he didn't just end an engagement.
His behavior is baffling and I'm learning "that's what addicts do." I just fear he'll find someone he falls in love with and is happier with her and gets clean for her, yet I had to deal with all of the rejection and toxicity. And for what? I'm 35 and invested everything into him and his 3 children (as I do not have children of my own). He gave me false hope that he would give me a child of my own one day and kept me on a yo-yo for years. I felt like I was playing house with a 40 year old.
I guess for me it's learning the "why's." But I guess I'll never get answers and I can't make sense out of senselessness. I just don't want to be toyed with anymore. He was the most selfish, self centered, self seeking person I'd ever met. Literally EVERYTHING revolved around him: his schedule, his itinerary, his wants, his needs, his children, his job, his house, his addictions. There wasn't any room left for me.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 505
Again, Jodie - you just hit about 5 more triggers for me!! 
I know EXACTLY how you feel, as I've had all of those same exact thoughts and still do. I just posted a thread the other night titled "Am I Being Naïve?" that asked the very same thing about my XA being happier with his now-current ex and that it would bother me if he got clean for her and went on to have this perfect little life now that I'm out of the picture. It might help you to check it out and read all of the helpful advice everyone gave me, since you seem to be asking the same exact thing. 
I know EXACTLY how you feel, as I've had all of those same exact thoughts and still do. I just posted a thread the other night titled "Am I Being Naïve?" that asked the very same thing about my XA being happier with his now-current ex and that it would bother me if he got clean for her and went on to have this perfect little life now that I'm out of the picture. It might help you to check it out and read all of the helpful advice everyone gave me, since you seem to be asking the same exact thing. Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by Jodie77
I already feel a sense of relief knowing you all understand and I can't thank you enough. I'd like to thank each and every one of you for taking the time to read my story and for offering such wise and loving advice. It means so so much to me as I felt like a one man army until finding this site.
It has been a month since I moved out. Week 2 was the absolute hardest for me; I thought I would die from the pain. I still love him so much and need constant reminders that I will be better off, that it's not anything I did or didn't do, and that he was taking me down with him. He seems so unfazed by the loss of me as he went out partying on St Patty's Day, drinking and drugging all night....as if he didn't just end an engagement.
His behavior is baffling and I'm learning "that's what addicts do." I just fear he'll find someone he falls in love with and is happier with her and gets clean for her, yet I had to deal with all of the rejection and toxicity. And for what? I'm 35 and invested everything into him and his 3 children (as I do not have children of my own). He gave me false hope that he would give me a child of my own one day and kept me on a yo-yo for years. I felt like I was playing house with a 40 year old.
I guess for me it's learning the "why's." But I guess I'll never get answers and I can't make sense out of senselessness. I just don't want to be toyed with anymore. He was the most selfish, self centered, self seeking person I'd ever met. Literally EVERYTHING revolved around him: his schedule, his itinerary, his wants, his needs, his children, his job, his house, his addictions. There wasn't any room left for me.
It has been a month since I moved out. Week 2 was the absolute hardest for me; I thought I would die from the pain. I still love him so much and need constant reminders that I will be better off, that it's not anything I did or didn't do, and that he was taking me down with him. He seems so unfazed by the loss of me as he went out partying on St Patty's Day, drinking and drugging all night....as if he didn't just end an engagement.
His behavior is baffling and I'm learning "that's what addicts do." I just fear he'll find someone he falls in love with and is happier with her and gets clean for her, yet I had to deal with all of the rejection and toxicity. And for what? I'm 35 and invested everything into him and his 3 children (as I do not have children of my own). He gave me false hope that he would give me a child of my own one day and kept me on a yo-yo for years. I felt like I was playing house with a 40 year old.
I guess for me it's learning the "why's." But I guess I'll never get answers and I can't make sense out of senselessness. I just don't want to be toyed with anymore. He was the most selfish, self centered, self seeking person I'd ever met. Literally EVERYTHING revolved around him: his schedule, his itinerary, his wants, his needs, his children, his job, his house, his addictions. There wasn't any room left for me.
Many of us pray our addicts get clean, but never even realize what that really entails. Somehow we believe he will magically become Prince Charming overnight. Drugs are a symptom to a much bigger and deeper problem!
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Well, the thing is that even if he did meet someone else and got clean, it wouldn't be "for her". If he got clean it would be because he has hit some kind of huge wall such as a DUI, an overdose, loss of his children, loss of a girlfriend/fiance/wife, loss of his business, loss of his fortune, etc. In other words, it sounds like he has a long way to go to get from "here" to "there" and the road will not be pretty.
He ended his relationship with you because he has CHOSEN a relationship with drugs instead. He's hard core and it will take many huge losses before he ever seeks recovery. That is clear. You really do NOT want to be around for all that, do you?
Frankly, I believe you have a ginormous angel sitting on your shoulder, girlfriend. He did you a big, fat, freaking favor....you just can't see it yet.
He ended his relationship with you because he has CHOSEN a relationship with drugs instead. He's hard core and it will take many huge losses before he ever seeks recovery. That is clear. You really do NOT want to be around for all that, do you?
Frankly, I believe you have a ginormous angel sitting on your shoulder, girlfriend. He did you a big, fat, freaking favor....you just can't see it yet.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 22
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
we understand!
not trying to be simplistic, but it's what addicts do, and it's what addiction does to addicts.......and the people that love them. WRECK EVERYTHING.
addiction is the great equalizer, doesn't matter how cute, smart, or rich you are, nor race, social status, degrees, neither gender nor sex - addiction will gobble them all up. even when they WANT to, addicts can't make good choices - it's always dope first. doesn't matter if your the hottest woman or man in the room, or the police, or the doctor saying "do that again and you'll die" - love doesn't cure addiction, waving babies in their face won't cure it. it's a singularly LOUSY disease for which there is no CURE - only a chance to put it in remission and then spend your life committed to keeping it there.
he was using before you met. he was using when you met. he's still using. it's messed up but it's what it is. coke jacks people up and then kicks them off an 80 story building without a parachute. you're up one minute (let's get married, great idea!) and down the next (changed my mind, can't do this, go away).
your relationship had a pattern to it..together....apart....together...apart, dosie do. how you feel right now should be your BEST indicator that this was not good for YOU. it's been chaos and upheaval, hopes built, and hopes dashed.
and while you might not "get" this right now...it had nothing to do with you...the drugs, the volatility, the seeming rejection. he just CAN'T be that guy.......not til he deals with his demons....and that could take a long long time.
not trying to be simplistic, but it's what addicts do, and it's what addiction does to addicts.......and the people that love them. WRECK EVERYTHING.
addiction is the great equalizer, doesn't matter how cute, smart, or rich you are, nor race, social status, degrees, neither gender nor sex - addiction will gobble them all up. even when they WANT to, addicts can't make good choices - it's always dope first. doesn't matter if your the hottest woman or man in the room, or the police, or the doctor saying "do that again and you'll die" - love doesn't cure addiction, waving babies in their face won't cure it. it's a singularly LOUSY disease for which there is no CURE - only a chance to put it in remission and then spend your life committed to keeping it there.
he was using before you met. he was using when you met. he's still using. it's messed up but it's what it is. coke jacks people up and then kicks them off an 80 story building without a parachute. you're up one minute (let's get married, great idea!) and down the next (changed my mind, can't do this, go away).
your relationship had a pattern to it..together....apart....together...apart, dosie do. how you feel right now should be your BEST indicator that this was not good for YOU. it's been chaos and upheaval, hopes built, and hopes dashed.
and while you might not "get" this right now...it had nothing to do with you...the drugs, the volatility, the seeming rejection. he just CAN'T be that guy.......not til he deals with his demons....and that could take a long long time.
You'll get through this, like me, you came here for advice and help, you're getting some real jewels in all these replies. I'm sure it applies to a lot of us here.
Try to stay strong.
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