Dissection of these behaviors takes it to a deeper level.
I couldn't stand seeing anyone or anything get hurt. I couldn't even watch a lion catch a gazelle on TV for instance......it was too painful for me to watch.
Some might say....heck that's not a character defect....it IS hard to watch a lion hunt and kill a gazelle. That's not the point.....it was my inability to accept this as a part of nature and the life cycle and putting this very natural (and imperative) activity in perspective. I related to it in human terms. I couldn't watch because I was unable to detach. It has a lot to do with detachment and acceptance.
I was very defensive on behalf of anything "weaker". I came to the rescue to save them.....because I thought they couldn't save themselves.
Again.....this doesn't sound so bad, right? I definitely feel this way on behalf of animals and children....but those feelings can go viral if not kept in perspective. Hoarding (animal) is an example of this gone viral (and no....I'm not a hoarder in any sense....but I understand how it can happen to someone). But it can also morph into something that makes others feel "disabled" rather than "enabled". So it can be a character defect and an asset.......it simply needs balance and is something to be mindful of.
I would also pride myself in anticipating a person's needs.....delivering to them what I suspected they might need before they had a chance to verbalize it.
Some might think.....well.....that's what I consider to be "being NICE". But it can be an EGO based action. Most often, I was doing it to gain their approval. And it's another thing that can go viral and become a huge negative. It's can fall on either side of the ledger as an asset or a character defect....depending where I am on that scale. Balance and mindfulness.
I often felt like a "victim".....when in truth......I was really a volunteer who just didn't understand I had choices to change things.
There are times people really are victims.....but for me....more often than not....I would be in situations (when I felt like a victim) that I had a choice about......I just wouldn't consider the options because they were unacceptable to me. Example: He treats me like crap....he victimizes me....but I can't leave him because (fill in the blank). I didn't leave my XAH for five years and endured emotional and psychological abuse because he said if I did....he'd kill himself. "Because I love him". "Because people would think I'm a failure". "God doesn't approve of divorce". "Because no one else will love me like he does". are some examples of other things that could go in the blank. I endured five years of suffering and "victimization" because I couldn't bear the thought of being "responsible" for my XAH's death. And as I've said often....he's still alive.....30 years later.
I always put my needs dead last.......and then was resentful about it.
This one's a doozie. Recognizing this one thing did more to get me into healthy thinking than most of the others combined. It is the epicenter of my codependence. It's has everything to do with Self care. There are times when I do put the needs of others ahead of my own needs.......it's the "and then was resentful about it" that was the negative. I will not put another's needs ahead of mine if it is going to evolve into my own resentment. (If someone else becomes resentful because I won't put their needs ahead of mine....they own that....I don't.)
Acknowledging codependence is not an admission of being some kind of worthless or deeply flawed being. It is (for me) a path towards self acceptance. It is acknowledging myself flaws and assets. Some people ARE NOT codependent. I am. It's not something I'm proud of but it's also nothing I'm ashamed of....it just is....and I
can change what I acknowledge and strive to understand.
Glad this thread helped a few peeps.
gentle hugs
ke