Hi guys, thanks everyone for being here. I'm lying in bed, just trying to get through. I've read through the site and like what I see. I think it will be a good place for me to check in and give my progress. I've been drinking on and off for about 18 years??? I went through many years when it was not such a huge problem, although I would be in a much different place in life if I had not been drinking. No job, no prospects of getting a job. 20 years of NO Experience. I went through college late in life and then did nothing. If I'd quit 6 years ago when this started to really hold me down, I'd be set now. I wanted to be a Biologist in Africa, not a 'sick loser' in my poophole apartment. Regret, guilt, anger, fear.
I always, always felt different, alone, depressed and all that. Now the drinking is never fun. I turn into a really nasty person, and I'm a sweet guy. I am barely tolerated at the bar and have been banned from one. I feel awful when I drink and worse when I don't. The problem now is the extreme joint pain, especially my knees, and I tend to sleep for most of a week if I stop, hence being in bed. But after that week, I should feel better. I went for 30 days about 1 year ago and couldn't believe how much better I felt. And I felt better right away, now at 43 I can't bounce back and it would only get worse. I had to keep pushing, keep experimenting, and now it's way harder. I can't take the joint pain anymore and that's it, PERIOD, no more!! My knees are really bad and I am going to go to the Doc this week. I think it's all inflammation.
The selfishness and resentment are totally there. I live in one of the worst places in the US, a depressing post industrial wasteland, and I want to get out and be sober and feel well. Thats really all I want right now. Go back to the country with my parents, save money and take care of myself. This stupidity must end. So for today, that's it, I'm going to eat well and treat myself to some ice cream or something after a nap, and take on tomorrow. I know junk food can contribute to the pain, but one thing at a time right?
I hate AA but I guess most people do until they realize they like AA. So for now, I'm going to talk to you guys. Thank you. And I pray to god that I will post more and more with more time behind me!!
