Viperidae

Hi guys, thanks everyone for being here. I'm lying in bed, just trying to get through. I've read through the site and like what I see. I think it will be a good place for me to check in and give my progress. I've been drinking on and off for about 18 years??? I went through many years when it was not such a huge problem, although I would be in a much different place in life if I had not been drinking. No job, no prospects of getting a job. 20 years of NO Experience. I went through college late in life and then did nothing. If I'd quit 6 years ago when this started to really hold me down, I'd be set now. I wanted to be a Biologist in Africa, not a 'sick loser' in my poophole apartment. Regret, guilt, anger, fear.

I always, always felt different, alone, depressed and all that. Now the drinking is never fun. I turn into a really nasty person, and I'm a sweet guy. I am barely tolerated at the bar and have been banned from one. I feel awful when I drink and worse when I don't. The problem now is the extreme joint pain, especially my knees, and I tend to sleep for most of a week if I stop, hence being in bed. But after that week, I should feel better. I went for 30 days about 1 year ago and couldn't believe how much better I felt. And I felt better right away, now at 43 I can't bounce back and it would only get worse. I had to keep pushing, keep experimenting, and now it's way harder. I can't take the joint pain anymore and that's it, PERIOD, no more!! My knees are really bad and I am going to go to the Doc this week. I think it's all inflammation.

The selfishness and resentment are totally there. I live in one of the worst places in the US, a depressing post industrial wasteland, and I want to get out and be sober and feel well. Thats really all I want right now. Go back to the country with my parents, save money and take care of myself. This stupidity must end. So for today, that's it, I'm going to eat well and treat myself to some ice cream or something after a nap, and take on tomorrow. I know junk food can contribute to the pain, but one thing at a time right?

I hate AA but I guess most people do until they realize they like AA. So for now, I'm going to talk to you guys. Thank you. And I pray to god that I will post more and more with more time behind me!!

Richierich777

Where is this wasteland? Maybe going back home would be a good idea. Hey I eat what I want but also do a lot of things around the house as well. Welcome and hope to read more of your post.

Hevyn

Welcome johnny! Sounds like you are ready to do this. We're happy you joined us. It's great to not be alone fighting the beast.

Don't let the regret, guilt, and remorse thing keep you from moving forward. You are reaching out for a new beginning, and you can still make all your dreams come true. It's terrible what we do to ourselves - but here's where it can end.

Nattythreads

Welcome back Johnny and congratulations on doing that, mate. You know your story is the same as many on here and you're not alone.

Really check around in here - there's a whole section devoted to Secular Recovery if AA is not your bag.

But hang around and post in here whatever you're going through. Someone will come up with some thoughts, advice or suggestions just at that moment when it all seems a bit much.

All strength to you,

NT

Sazzle

Welcome to SR Johnny. You're in the right place. Glad you found us

S x

Viperidae

The wasteland is Hartford CT. Once the capital of the industrialized world. Now it's like detroit. My parents and sister have a big houses in the woods in one of the local suburbs. My family will gladly help me. My dad keeps offering to empty the den and his office and make it my place. He'd do anything to help me, but paying for Rehab at 40k a month in this state is out of the question. My $1000 a month money would go a long way if it wasn't paying the rent here, besides all the other bills. And I would be out of my drink element, an industrial loft building full of artists and musicians on weed and booze, and surrounded by bars and 'the walking dead.' Dangerous area. I have a great high school buddy, who never touched booze, down the road from my parents who still lives with his dad, I probably could rekindle our friendship and go to movies and play video games with him. I want to be sober and travel with camera and computer and blog, and I CAN do that, whenever I want. What a moron I am, for waiting all this time.

Viperidae

I think a good time for me to post is the second when I think it's ok to drink and that I am going to, and then I hesitate for 5 minutes and do it anyway!! I'm a genius like that. ARRGGGG

misspond

Johnny555, post just before you're going to pick up - hang on a wee bit longer, and you can be sure someone will be here with words to help you put it right back down again. You're in a good and helpful place now, being here at SR. Make sure you use the forum for what it can offer

least

You can do this, but it takes effort on your part. How badly do you want to be sober? Maybe moving in with your parents for a while would be helpful at this stage. Give it a try.