Kindeyes

I am bringing this question over from another thread because I think Julez brought up a really interesting question in another thread.

The beginning of my codependency looked like this:

I couldn't stand seeing anyone or anything get hurt. I couldn't even watch a lion catch a gazelle on TV for instance......it was too painful for me to watch.

I was very defensive on behalf of anything "weaker". I came to the rescue to save them.....because I thought they couldn't save themselves.

I would act out to get in more trouble if my brothers got in trouble to divert my parent's attention.....I would rather be spanked than listen to my brothers get spanked and cry.

I always thought I was "nice" but sometimes I wasn't.....I was simply defensive.

I prided myself in "feeling" everything that others around me felt. I thought it was a "good" thing and that I was particularly "gifted". lol. Little did I realize that I WAS a particularly gifted codependent.

I would also pride myself in anticipating a person's needs.....delivering to them what I suspected they might need before they had a chance to verbalize it.

I often felt like a "victim".....when in truth......I was really a volunteer who just didn't understand I had choices to change things.

My heart was always in the right place but it was waaaaay too tender.

I always wanted to smooth things over........even if it was to force the conflict to the surface just to get it behind us.

I was sometimes quick to anger and quick to judge.....particularly if things didn't meet my standards of "fair".

I had a pretty huge ego. I thought I could do things better for other people than they could do for themselves.....and I was happy to help.

I had opinions......and I was quick to share them......particularly if I thought someone was waaaay off base.

I would become pretty darn bitter if someone didn't appreciate all of the nice things I did for them.....even if they didn't ask me to do them in the first place.

I was sensitive.....to an extreme......I took everything personally. Someone was mad. It was my fault. Someone was hurting. It was my fault. Someone felt wounded....I must have done something.

I usually felt guilty or shamed about something.

I couldn't say No.......easily.

I had few boundaries and those that I had were very weak and could easily be tread on.

I always felt unloved or under-loved....and undeserving of love.

I always put my needs dead last.......and then was resentful about it.

I reminded myself of the dog that would get kicked over and over and over again but go back with my tail wagging.....just to get kicked again. And I couldn't figure out that I didn't need to go back and I certainly didn't need to wag my tail.

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Well....there you have it. Confessions of a lifelong codependent.....and pretty much a public Fourth Step. lol These are just the behaviors that I could think of right off the top of my head. I'm sure I could go on and on and on....this is just the tip of the iceberg. These are behaviors that I can recollect having even as a small child......therefore....I do believe that my codependent tendencies were always there....not dormant but quite active. They simply got blown WAY up when my son began using drugs.

It feels pretty darn good to be honest with myself and others.....and be able to laugh at myself. It doesn't threaten me in any way. It is actually quite liberating. That's what Fourth Step stuff is all about.

I hope that helps anyone who is wondering......am I a lifelong codependent? Am I a codependent now? What does a fourth step look like?

So.....as you can see.......I had (and have) a lot of work to do on myself. It keeps me busy. I shouldn't have time to go snooping around in anyone else's inventory. lol

Julez......hope that answers your question.

gentle hugs
ke