anathaine

Thank you for your support thank you so much. But I just want to tell you that the change in my behaviour and cessation of substance abuse DID happen. (Except for the ongoing "duty" I felt I had to give to "John".) In August of 2011 - I began, through the guidance of pure minded individuals to have a kind of ....spiritual experience. I felt like all of the energy of my human life had surged and regenerated itself. But listen to this! (Shortly before this renewal) - One night I decided I thought I might like to die or something vague and idiotic like that. Oh yes! I remember now: It was coz I just cld not take this continual inexorable abuse of codeine that I had been fighting for 13 yrs. So I overdosed on Lamotrigine. But I didn't mind that I didn't die. Anyway, in the days after that I noticed that I had no desire WHATSOEVER to drink cough syrup. I never thought about, I never ever craved it, I could go into a chemist and not think about it. As had never abused it in my life before. So without that stuFf my antidepressants started working properly, I turned away from benzos (not completely but I was very reluctant to take them), I began to have a kind of aversion to headache tablets, (which I had taken with great abandon). I was Different and I yearned to be physically pure. Weird! I marveled at it. I felt like I had been let out of jail or sthing. So I didn't abuse anything from that Aug to the Aug last year.
I looked back at the sordid stuff I had done and I was seriously puzzled as to why I had done those things .Like that drug-addicted woman was not me, like watching a movie.
I became obsessed with quitting smoking too...but I simply cld not let go of that.
It was the FIRST time EVER in my life that I felt kind of excited about my future - etc
I became complacent tho, I shld have been monitoring my addictive behaviours and thoughts even if I was not using. I should have been going to NA.
In October I left "John", that was traumatic as I guess we had become dependant upon eae WHATSOEVER to drink cough syrup. I never thought about, I never ever craved it, I could go into a chemist and not think about it. As had never abused it in my life before. So without that stuFf my antidepressants started working properly, I turned away from benzos (not completely but I was very reluctant to take them), I began to have a kind of aversion to headache tablets, (which I had taken with great abandon). I was Different and I yearned to be physically pure. Weird! I marveled at it. I felt like I had been let out of jail or sthing. So I didn't abuse anything from that Aug to the Aug last year.
I looked back at the sordid stuff I had done and I was seriously puzzled as to why I had done those things .Like that drug-addicted woman was not me, like watching a movie.
I became obsessed with quitting smoking too...but I simply cld not let go of that.
It was the FIRST time EVER in my life that I felt kind of excited about my future - etc
I became complacent tho, I shld have been monitoring my addictive behaviours and thoughts even if I was not using. I should have been going to NA.
In October I left "John", that was traumatic as I guess we had become dependant upon each other, if not co-dependant. I experienced severe Separation Anxiety, I was terrified of being alone. That was the beginning of this present ditch that I declined into. I had forgotten that I would always be an addict, no matter if I was a recovered one.
I just wanted to tell you this. Coz I think I've been lazy and I've strayed VERY far.
It sounds odd for me to say I have no friends - I DO - but only the man in my life and sometimes immediate family are able to...or allowed....(Sounds so arrogant) to come close to the inner circle - the Dirty Circle? The real me that only the man (and there always has to be one) is allowed to see. God help HIM. There always has to be one to pick up the pieces. And he needs to be there so that I have a reason not to use, and a reason not to cut myself, a reason to imagine that I do have some vague abstract concept of self-worth. (Nevermind having it, I'm at a loss to understand what it actually means in the first).
I think I shld have posted this in the depression anxiety forum.
I did NOT go to the meeting. I did chastise myself but then I had to accept the extenuating circumstances. Grrrrr I'm so ------ off coz my token timed out.
Nvrmind, I send u all my love that can make it over the seas to you,
F.