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i can't pass this obstacle, pls help me! very long

Old 03-21-2013, 04:08 PM
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i can't pass this obstacle, pls help me! very long

Pls help me with this. I know the answer but I just need someone
To say it to me. Also this post is very very long, I dunno if I'm allowed to post such a big post. I was gonna put it on my blog but I'm afraid no one will see it there and I need help so badly!
Ok, I have no close friends at all except my x-boyf of 5 yrs. I've never

Been attracted to him or been in love with him. He is a decent guy and gave me a place
To stay when my dad wldnt let me come back to stay with him coz I was using crystal and sometimes prostituting myself on the side of the road, mixing with unsavoury characters etc.
So "John" let me stay there, he never used drugs and he didn't drink. and it went unsaid that I had to play the part
Of girlf. I felt it was my duty to give it to him in exchange for him letting me stay there. I stopped using crystal but still hung onto my beloved codeine cs. We had a deal now and again where he wld buy me CS and I wld have sex with him. I was extremely depressed during these yrs. I've always been, since I was 9 yrs old It was exacerbated obv by the CS. I had no job and nowhere
To stay. So that is "John". He is a decent guy, was good to me, more than I deserved.
I felt so guilty when I finally left him coz my dad paid for a room here in ______
I met a guy last year Dec, and I got a job and the guy I met was my boss. But now that I've broken up with "Chris" (boss) John is trying desperately to get back into my life. So John and I are friends but with a sordid undertone. I had told "Chris" about the sex "contracts" with John. He was
Furious about it. Also John was holding my bank card and I.D. Book ransom coz I still owed him sexfrom sometime ago. Just after I left him, before I met Chris I slept with John for 6 days in a row which means I had a 100ml bottle on those days. 600ml.
Fast forward to now - he will NOT let go of me, I absolutely cannot shake him off coz he just won't
But 2 months ago or so, I asked him for alzam (benzo) which I'm not supposed to take. I used to REALLY abuse them yrs ago. He knows I want it or will want it and so that's how he keeps me running to him. But also he helps me buy CS. He goes to various chemists to get it for me.
And I pay him with sex. On Fri I phoned "Chris" in tears saying I didn't want to be a prostitute anymore. Chris said "Tell him to leave and if he is not gone in 5 mins then he will make him go. So I did that, and I blocked his email, blocked bbm, but he kept insisting, and harassing me. Not in an abusive way. On Mon I was so down I only got out of bed at 3pm. Had to catch a train to go to a different chemist. So John and I met up again. I am lonely for company but I also use him for the drugs - despicable I know. When I see him my first thought is CS. I'm trapped I just DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!! Must I cut him off AGAIN? I know it is my fault but if it were not for him getting it for me I might have had this relapse more under control. Coz I'm totally out of control. but I get lonely and also when I have a craving I know he will get it coz he wants sex. I LOATHE having sex with him. It feels like I'm a child who is being molested, I hate it. Pls can someone give me an objective view of what is going on here coz I'm just losing the plot! I'm sorry this is so long, thank u for making it all the way through. Pls help me I feel like I'm in a nightmare.
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Old 03-21-2013, 04:17 PM
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I'm NEVER going to recover unless I get rid of him. !!!! That is a terrifying
Thought. And if I get rid of him I may still contact him in a time of weakness to get me sthing. I just cannot see a way OUT. I wish I had money to go to rehab. All I have are the meetings and this forum.
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Old 03-22-2013, 03:00 AM
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You posted this in daily support forum which is only for continuations (part 2 and more) of existing threads.

You'll get more response here


I think you already know you deserve better than what you're allowing yourself here, anathaine.

It might look like the easy option... but it's really not.

Cut ties with this guy and stick to it - you'll look back and be glad you did, for both you and your son.

D
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Old 03-22-2013, 03:36 AM
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Anathaine, yes, you need to cut "John" off. He is dangerous to you; he is supplying you with CS and using you for sex.

Since you feel worried that you will contact him, could you explain to him that you need to get clean and that, even if you ask, he must not supply you with drugs? From what I have read, I'm doubtful he would respect this decision - he gains from your addiction - but I could be wrong.

Be strong. Best wishes to you.
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Old 03-22-2013, 03:38 AM
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I agree with Dee. Let the guy go and then focus on your substance addiction. For that you need medical help, counseling and the support of other recovering alcoholics. And finally you need your own determination,patience and sheer guts to get well. There is a way out. Countless others have taken it. Many of them are right here on SR to help you in any way they can.

W.
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Old 03-22-2013, 04:40 AM
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No he will NEVER accept it.
And I, as an addict WILL contact him again when I'm dpressed (er..all the time) that is a sure thing. I shld have a Master's degree in Manipulation. Not proud of it. If I offer him sex in exchange for ANYTHING sexual he will do it.

Maybe shld get a court order. But on what grounds?
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Old 03-22-2013, 05:15 AM
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And I, as an addict WILL contact him again when I'm dpressed (er..all the time) that is a sure thing.
You and your son deserve better than this.

I, as an addict, stopped doing self destructive demeaning things like that.

It wasn't easy but it wasn't impossible either.

Try some lateral thinking.

Find yourself some support...focus on your recovery - then you won't need to go find John anymore.

you can turn this around - if you want. Don't resign yourself - fight this.

D
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Old 03-22-2013, 05:57 AM
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Anathaine - do you have your bank and ID cards now?

You can let him go, you just don't believe it yet. You have so many things to try and deal with right now, you really need some real life support. Is there no-where you can turn to? No-one other than "John"?

Please think hard about where you could go for support and then stake a step towards it/them. And keep posting, support is here too.
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Old 03-22-2013, 06:00 AM
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Anathaine, you'll never find a world where there are no predators like this who'll help you out on this essentially downhill slope. As your post states you cannot but seek them out.

I suggest you consider a women based solution. A men free resource run by women who know. A refuge with boundaries.

This site seems to have contacts and links to many resources.

Counselling information Centre | Trauma Psychology in Cape Town, Western Cape, South Africa
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Old 03-22-2013, 06:04 AM
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I can look back 25 years when I was an addict and still cringe at the things I did for drugs, and feel disgust for the people I hung out with.

The first thing I did on my journey to get clean was break free of all my "druggie" relationships.

You have to do the same thing. Whatever it takes, and then you have to start working on you. Find a way to quit using people like you use drugs, in a destructive manner. An online forum can only do so much. You need to find services locally. They are there, somewhere. I pray you find them and use them.
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Old 03-22-2013, 06:19 AM
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You can and must get him out of your life. That's a given in your situation before you can get sober. And, he doesn't have to accept it. That's his choice and it has nothing to do with you. You need to focus on your own recovery.
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Old 03-22-2013, 06:42 AM
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You have to get rid of him....but I think what has to happen is you address your addiction problem first. B/c if you dont have the addiction then he has nothing on you. He is worthless to you once you get yourself better. As long as you want the pills you will have him in your life. Once you dont want the pills anymore you will have no need for him.
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Old 03-22-2013, 07:00 AM
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Your story is so sad. I feel horrible. You need to detox girl and stay that way. You have clearly and intelligently explained your problem. You know you are hooked and you know this guy is a perverted enabler. Get free Woman. Life doesnt have to be this way.
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Old 03-22-2013, 11:10 AM
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anathaine, I have been clean now for 23 months, but I'm still not mentally stable. I was prositututed myself out for drugs as well. It was the 2nd time I did. The first I was living in Los Angeles. I seen many things I should have never seen in LA. I told myself I would never do it again after I got out California. I did in 2010 and 2011. I just was so desperate for the drugs I gave in and hooked myself. I let them shot me up. It all lead to a suicide attempt to where I was in a coma for over 24 hrs. I then went to rehab for 6.5 months. I still have been in and out of pyschiatric hospitals and back in one by my choice.

You can get out of it. Don't worry about your bank card or ID. Those can be replaced. Your life can't though. Call some women's shelter to start with just to get away from him. They can help you with places for rehab and detox. Your life is so worth it. You are worth it.

Feel free to PM if you need to talk.
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Old 03-22-2013, 12:22 PM
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did get Ident book and cards back awhile ago. 2nd time i tried to cut off

Originally Posted by misspond View Post
Anathaine - do you have your bank and ID cards now?

You can let him go, you just don't believe it yet. You have so many things to try and deal with right now, you really need some real life support. Is there no-where you can turn to? No-one other than "John"?

Please think hard about where you could go for support and then stake a step towards it/them. And keep posting, support is here too.
Thank you for your support thank you so much. But I just want to tell you that the change in my behaviour and cessation of substance abuse DID happen. (Except for the ongoing "duty" I felt I had to give to "John".) In August of 2011 - I began, through the guidance of pure minded individuals to have a kind of ....spiritual experience. I felt like all of the energy of my human life had surged and regenerated itself. But listen to this! (Shortly before this renewal) - One night I decided I thought I might like to die or something vague and idiotic like that. Oh yes! I remember now: It was coz I just cld not take this continual inexorable abuse of codeine that I had been fighting for 13 yrs. So I overdosed on Lamotrigine. But I didn't mind that I didn't die. Anyway, in the days after that I noticed that I had no desire WHATSOEVER to drink cough syrup. I never thought about, I never ever craved it, I could go into a chemist and not think about it. As had never abused it in my life before. So without that stuFf my antidepressants started working properly, I turned away from benzos (not completely but I was very reluctant to take them), I began to have a kind of aversion to headache tablets, (which I had taken with great abandon). I was Different and I yearned to be physically pure. Weird! I marveled at it. I felt like I had been let out of jail or sthing. So I didn't abuse anything from that Aug to the Aug last year.
I looked back at the sordid stuff I had done and I was seriously puzzled as to why I had done those things .Like that drug-addicted woman was not me, like watching a movie.
I became obsessed with quitting smoking too...but I simply cld not let go of that.
It was the FIRST time EVER in my life that I felt kind of excited about my future - etc
I became complacent tho, I shld have been monitoring my addictive behaviours and thoughts even if I was not using. I should have been going to NA.
In October I left "John", that was traumatic as I guess we had become dependant upon eae WHATSOEVER to drink cough syrup. I never thought about, I never ever craved it, I could go into a chemist and not think about it. As had never abused it in my life before. So without that stuFf my antidepressants started working properly, I turned away from benzos (not completely but I was very reluctant to take them), I began to have a kind of aversion to headache tablets, (which I had taken with great abandon). I was Different and I yearned to be physically pure. Weird! I marveled at it. I felt like I had been let out of jail or sthing. So I didn't abuse anything from that Aug to the Aug last year.
I looked back at the sordid stuff I had done and I was seriously puzzled as to why I had done those things .Like that drug-addicted woman was not me, like watching a movie.
I became obsessed with quitting smoking too...but I simply cld not let go of that.
It was the FIRST time EVER in my life that I felt kind of excited about my future - etc
I became complacent tho, I shld have been monitoring my addictive behaviours and thoughts even if I was not using. I should have been going to NA.
In October I left "John", that was traumatic as I guess we had become dependant upon each other, if not co-dependant. I experienced severe Separation Anxiety, I was terrified of being alone. That was the beginning of this present ditch that I declined into. I had forgotten that I would always be an addict, no matter if I was a recovered one.
I just wanted to tell you this. Coz I think I've been lazy and I've strayed VERY far.
It sounds odd for me to say I have no friends - I DO - but only the man in my life and sometimes immediate family are able to...or allowed....(Sounds so arrogant) to come close to the inner circle - the Dirty Circle? The real me that only the man (and there always has to be one) is allowed to see. God help HIM. There always has to be one to pick up the pieces. And he needs to be there so that I have a reason not to use, and a reason not to cut myself, a reason to imagine that I do have some vague abstract concept of self-worth. (Nevermind having it, I'm at a loss to understand what it actually means in the first).
I think I shld have posted this in the depression anxiety forum.
I did NOT go to the meeting. I did chastise myself but then I had to accept the extenuating circumstances. Grrrrr I'm so ------ off coz my token timed out.
Nvrmind, I send u all my love that can make it over the seas to you,
F.
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