I can look back 25 years when I was an addict and still cringe at the things I did for drugs, and feel disgust for the people I hung out with.
The first thing I did on my journey to get clean was break free of all my "druggie" relationships.
You have to do the same thing. Whatever it takes, and then you have to start working on you. Find a way to quit using people like you use drugs, in a destructive manner. An online forum can only do so much. You need to find services locally. They are there, somewhere. I pray you find them and use them.