And I, as an addict WILL contact him again when I'm dpressed (er..all the time) that is a sure thing.
You and your son deserve better than this.
I, as an addict, stopped doing self destructive demeaning things like that.
It wasn't easy but it wasn't impossible either.
Try some lateral thinking.
Find yourself some support...focus on your recovery - then you won't need to go find John anymore.
you can turn this around - if you want. Don't resign yourself - fight this.
D