It's not my problem....
As many of you know, my husband got the Vivitrol shot last month. I don't know if it because it is wearing off or he is struggling with dealing with life on life's term but I am seeing behaviors the last couple of days - that have left me feeling discouraged about saving our marriage.
I know early "recovery" is a difficult time and he shared some very private feelings he was having about himself. I was pretty shocked to hear him be so honest, insightful and vulnerable.
But to be very honest, I am tired and simply burnt out of being understanding. While I am still feeling compassion for him, I am also thinking "thats too bad, but it's not my problem." That may sound cold and mean to some but I know others will see the positive in that thinking.
In fact, I am pleased to say that I feel that way. I have allowed his problems to be mine for far too long. I have allowed his problems to affect me in so many negative ways. I was the frog in water, and I had no idea the temperature was increasing until I was stuck.
There is so my more to life then all of this. I am not sure I can or want to do it anymore. I didn't cause it, I can not control it - God knows I tried, and I can't cure it.
It's not my problem and I am exhausted from it all. I can't even listen to him another minute. A part of me still feels selfish for feeling this way, but I am merely being honest with how I feel right now.
P.S. Also, I have been here before...being "supportive and understanding." I have been to meetings, met with his therapist, went to his NA convention, helped him detox, etc....all for him to relapse. I can't help but feel like what a waste of my time and my life. Of course, had he not of relapsed - I am sure I would feel differently.
Recently he said - I know you did not "sign up for this" when we got together and all I could think was..."No, I didn't, this was not the future I envisioned."
He is now an addict for life, there is no cure....and its not my problem.
Am I just becoming cold or am I becoming more healthy??