It's not my problem....

Old 03-21-2013, 07:53 PM
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It's not my problem....

As many of you know, my husband got the Vivitrol shot last month. I don't know if it because it is wearing off or he is struggling with dealing with life on life's term but I am seeing behaviors the last couple of days - that have left me feeling discouraged about saving our marriage.

I know early "recovery" is a difficult time and he shared some very private feelings he was having about himself. I was pretty shocked to hear him be so honest, insightful and vulnerable.

But to be very honest, I am tired and simply burnt out of being understanding. While I am still feeling compassion for him, I am also thinking "thats too bad, but it's not my problem." That may sound cold and mean to some but I know others will see the positive in that thinking.

In fact, I am pleased to say that I feel that way. I have allowed his problems to be mine for far too long. I have allowed his problems to affect me in so many negative ways. I was the frog in water, and I had no idea the temperature was increasing until I was stuck.

There is so my more to life then all of this. I am not sure I can or want to do it anymore. I didn't cause it, I can not control it - God knows I tried, and I can't cure it.

It's not my problem and I am exhausted from it all. I can't even listen to him another minute. A part of me still feels selfish for feeling this way, but I am merely being honest with how I feel right now.

P.S. Also, I have been here before...being "supportive and understanding." I have been to meetings, met with his therapist, went to his NA convention, helped him detox, etc....all for him to relapse. I can't help but feel like what a waste of my time and my life. Of course, had he not of relapsed - I am sure I would feel differently.

Recently he said - I know you did not "sign up for this" when we got together and all I could think was..."No, I didn't, this was not the future I envisioned."

He is now an addict for life, there is no cure....and its not my problem.

Am I just becoming cold or am I becoming more healthy??
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Old 03-21-2013, 07:58 PM
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((LMN)) - Though I wasn't at the point I could truly appreciate it (still a raging codie at the time), a perfectly normal friend of mine told me how her husband had tried to woo her when she filed for divorce. She told him "too little, too late".

I know that when I crossed the line of "that's enough" I was done. Though I did feel guilty at the beginning, I found SR and the great people here, and realized it was okay. I was allowed to feel what I felt, I'd DONE everything I could (right and wrong) and it was okay to be done.

We have but one life, and it's our responsibility to make the most of it.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 03-21-2013, 08:46 PM
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As has been said so many times to me, LMN, YOU have to concentrate on YOURSELF.

I was married to my XH for 12 years and although he was not an addict, he was very happy to enable me to be a codependent, because it benefitted him and he LOVED all the attention and having someone wait on him hand and foot and doing whatever he wanted. But like Impurrfect, I knew when I had reached my limit and enough was enough. There was no going back after that and I also suffered tremendous guilt for a long time over ending my marriage - I still do. I've even gone so far as to believe that the reason I was treated so badly by the last guy I dated (an addict) and now yet again by this XA, is because it's punishment for ending my marriage and hurting my XH because he didn't want a divorce. Of course in my head, I know that's not true, but it doesn't stop me from adding that weight to the already-heavy burden I carry around with me on a daily basis. But through SR and hopefully therapy, I can change that.

It is NOT cold or selfish of you to be thinking about YOURSELF and what YOU want or don't want. You have gone above and beyond to be supportive and understanding, much more than many people would do in your situation, and now you must turn that support and understanding back around to YOU and decide what YOU want/need to do. And whatever that may be, we are all here to support you every step of the way!! Sending HUGS!!
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Old 03-21-2013, 09:13 PM
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I can't imagine working out relationship issues with anyone during the first two years of sobriety. I realize not everyone here has that view, but it is my view because addiction takes such a toll on the brain. I just do not know how any addict could be capable of processing the complexities of intimate relationship.

I just want you to know I do so well understand your fatigue. And I hope your Higher Power will help you accept yourself, no matter what you choose or how you feel. You are doing the very best you possibly can under very intense and confusing conditions.
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Old 03-21-2013, 09:51 PM
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No. It doesn't sound cold hearted or selfish or any of that. It is simply how you feel.

As impurrfect stated....when I finally made the decision to leave the marriage and file for divorce.....it had taken me years of trying to make it work first. I had reached a point of fatigue so overwhelming that I had to do something about it. My XAH also made all of the promises, he said he'd made terrible mistakes and wanted to make it right again.......but I had nothing left to give to him. I was tapped out. It was a little too little a little too late.

I'm not suggesting you take the path of leaving your marriage....so please don't take it that way. I'm simply saying.....I understand how you feel.

Take care of you.

gentle hugs
ke
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Old 03-21-2013, 10:34 PM
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LMN,
There is no right or wrong to what we feel.
I was always thinking how TERRIBLE I'd feel if she didn't make it.
(She didn't)
What did I feel? Sadness for a wasted life.But at the end of the day it
wasn't MY life....and I wasn't responsible for her life choices.
I was responsible for MY choices.That's why I came to SR.To correct
a behavior pattern that was bringing no joy,happiness,or recovery to ANYONE.
Was I selfish?
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Old 03-21-2013, 11:13 PM
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Oh LMN hmmm seeing as we have the same HP i feel comfortable sharing my hope with you ... I refrain with others out of fear of being viewed as a bible thumper, and respect for thier individual HP, but when I fist came here what seems like a lifetime ago you reached out to me when I was confused about the whole "forgive 70x7" issue.

You see... for me, I believe that all things will work for good for you, because you love god. But what does it mean to love god? Keep his commands and walk in his ways. All those months ago you led me to this simple truth. Well, god led me through you

Matthew 18

15 "If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. 16 But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that `every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.' 17 If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector.

So, no. I don't believe at all that you are cold hearted. I believe that you have already done what this passage says. You have been in every way, shape and form patient, kind, trustworthy, honorable, forgiving, not self seeking, you have endured all things, even detox which at least in my experience a very deep valley.

Im sorry for your situation, but you have been a blessing to me. I believe that your feelings are valid. No matter what the future holds, and no matter what you decide, Im rooting for YOU and god has got your back.

I hope not to sound preachy cuz Im not in any way perfect, but you have given me so much hope and Im afraid this is the best ESH I can offer, cuz my E is still so limited, my S comes only from god, and he is my only H as well

Hugs and prayers for you and your husband
Lily
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Old 03-22-2013, 03:55 AM
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I say your getting healthy :-)! I remember those feelings of " I just don't care anymore ".. I think that's when I had finally detached enough from his addiction to really see the truth.. And the truth was ugly.. I struggled for a long time with divorce.. I filed once and he wooed me back with a 7 day stay in detox and a promise in recovery.. I think thats when my aha moment occurred.. It wasn't going to get better, I was only getting worse and what about Me??? Yes, for the first time I started thinking about ME, that's not selfishness that's called self love..

Keep turning it over to your HP, that's what i did and one day finally at my rock bottom, I turned it over and never took it back and that's when the miracles started occurring in my life.. Everything just fell into place after that
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Old 03-22-2013, 03:56 AM
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Most often when a marriage is over, it's closing the door on an already empty room.

I think your room just became a little more empty LMN. You've tried and you've been patient, but you don't have to stay sick just because he is. It's okay to stay and it's okay to move on. And you don't have to do either today.

Take care of yourself and time and God will take care of the rest.

Hugs
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Old 03-22-2013, 11:35 AM
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When we start to feel like we can't stand another minute of hearing about their addiction and their feelings it gets very easy to feel guilty about it or think that we are being cold hearted. A good way to look at is if you child kept coming to you complaining about bad grades and never put forth the studying to do better how long would you let him complain before you told him to study or shut up? Same with friends that ask for advice/need to vent but every week it is the same thing. After awhile you hit a limit where it is like if you're so unhappy do something ..at least work harder.

Keep focusing on yourself. Addicts love to share very personal things about themselves and make us think wow he/she is really opening up but in the end talk is cheap. I have also noticed that yeah the addict is opening up but all they do is talk about themselves. talk talk talk talk quack quack quack.

You have every right to feel the way you feel. In fact, by embracing your feelings you might figure out exactly how you want your life to go. I wish I would have listened to myself more in certain situations and not worried about others.
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Old 03-22-2013, 03:44 PM
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LMN,
I was just having this conversation with my friend. I have been trying for almost a year and I am not sure I can do it anymore. When my bf first went to rehab and came home I thought hey we can get through this. Wel he relapsed and hid it from me. Then went back to rehab. When he was gone the second time I just felt so hurt and disappointed, but thought it was just another bump in the road. Well things were going pretty good or so I thought. Then things just didn't add up or make sense and when I questioned it all got turned around on me. You know how that goes

I guess my breaking point was being told that I was not supportive and that I wasn't doing enough. I really didn't think there was possibly anything else that I could do. He basically told me he was "done" I was to tired to even argue. So I figured maybe this would be a good time think about things. I ordered the codependent no more book as well as a few others and started to do things such as working out. I realized that I am very codependent and was exibiting behaviors that were literally making me crazy. Working on"me" made me realize many things. I lost myself. I was tired, upset, anxious, felt physically and mentally drained. I was not happy at all and pretty much lied probably as much if not more than my addict bf. pretending everything was ok when it wasn't pretending to be happy when I just wanted to cry. I have been working out, went and bought myself new clothes and just focused on me. I haven't had contact with my bf for a few weeks. I told my friend today that I felt so guilty saying that I felt great! I am getting sleep! I am not up all night worrying, searching, wondering, questioning etc. I think it all can't up to me the last year and just not sure I can do it. After reading the books and doing a lot of soul searching I am beginning to think that maybe it's best if we part ways. I might not be good for his recovery as he may not be good for mine.
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Old 03-23-2013, 06:26 PM
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Your feelings sound very open and truthful. I have been there before--done with hearing the "poor me" stories from abf. It gets to be too much. I had tried helping and being supportive. I had tried being controlling. I had tried understanding. Then, I just got tired. I finally accepted that I was fatigued, and it was ok. It is not selfish to be tired of it. Anyway, if the addict is really going to recovery, they have to want it and do it on their own. So, it is good for us to admit that we are tired. We've had enough. We are ready to take care of our own needs!! Good for you. You are growing in your recovery.
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