anathaine

Pls help me with this. I know the answer but I just need someone
To say it to me. Also this post is very very long, I dunno if I'm allowed to post such a big post. I was gonna put it on my blog but I'm afraid no one will see it there and I need help so badly!
Ok, I have no close friends at all except my x-boyf of 5 yrs. I've never

Been attracted to him or been in love with him. He is a decent guy and gave me a place
To stay when my dad wldnt let me come back to stay with him coz I was using crystal and sometimes prostituting myself on the side of the road, mixing with unsavoury characters etc.
So "John" let me stay there, he never used drugs and he didn't drink. and it went unsaid that I had to play the part
Of girlf. I felt it was my duty to give it to him in exchange for him letting me stay there. I stopped using crystal but still hung onto my beloved codeine cs. We had a deal now and again where he wld buy me CS and I wld have sex with him. I was extremely depressed during these yrs. I've always been, since I was 9 yrs old It was exacerbated obv by the CS. I had no job and nowhere
To stay. So that is "John". He is a decent guy, was good to me, more than I deserved.
I felt so guilty when I finally left him coz my dad paid for a room here in ______
I met a guy last year Dec, and I got a job and the guy I met was my boss. But now that I've broken up with "Chris" (boss) John is trying desperately to get back into my life. So John and I are friends but with a sordid undertone. I had told "Chris" about the sex "contracts" with John. He was
Furious about it. Also John was holding my bank card and I.D. Book ransom coz I still owed him sexfrom sometime ago. Just after I left him, before I met Chris I slept with John for 6 days in a row which means I had a 100ml bottle on those days. 600ml.
Fast forward to now - he will NOT let go of me, I absolutely cannot shake him off coz he just won't
But 2 months ago or so, I asked him for alzam (benzo) which I'm not supposed to take. I used to REALLY abuse them yrs ago. He knows I want it or will want it and so that's how he keeps me running to him. But also he helps me buy CS. He goes to various chemists to get it for me.
And I pay him with sex. On Fri I phoned "Chris" in tears saying I didn't want to be a prostitute anymore. Chris said "Tell him to leave and if he is not gone in 5 mins then he will make him go. So I did that, and I blocked his email, blocked bbm, but he kept insisting, and harassing me. Not in an abusive way. On Mon I was so down I only got out of bed at 3pm. Had to catch a train to go to a different chemist. So John and I met up again. I am lonely for company but I also use him for the drugs - despicable I know. When I see him my first thought is CS. I'm trapped I just DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!! Must I cut him off AGAIN? I know it is my fault but if it were not for him getting it for me I might have had this relapse more under control. Coz I'm totally out of control. but I get lonely and also when I have a craving I know he will get it coz he wants sex. I LOATHE having sex with him. It feels like I'm a child who is being molested, I hate it. Pls can someone give me an objective view of what is going on here coz I'm just losing the plot! I'm sorry this is so long, thank u for making it all the way through. Pls help me I feel like I'm in a nightmare.