Hi all,
Ok I'm gonna lay it all out on the table. In point form for easy reading
-I've been a 12 step program for an eating disorder for 2 years
- I continually lose my abstinence because of alcohol. I just lost a year because I got hammered and lost all defense against it
- I am willing to give up sugar, wheat, dairy, caffeine, virtually anything yummy but I can't give up alcohol
-I can't control enjoy my drinking, the two can't coexist for me
- I love drugs and sometimes wake up in the morning thinking about cocaine and how much I love it. Just fantasizing.
- I know I have the spiritual malady.
- I drink to change how i feel and to make friends
- I do really unsafe/not smart things when I drink
- I blackout often
- I can't enjoy two drinks or a glass of wine. Is this normal?
- I feel the promises come true when I drink.
Here are the BUTS
-if my work situation were different, I wouldn't have to drink
- I can have alcohol in the house and not drink it
- I don't drink everyday, I can go weeks without drinking if I don't have to be in social situations
-I can stop drinking once I start, I will want more but I won't have it
- I was a hypochondriac as a kid, someing was always wrong. Always wanting to belong, I would make up a sickness, I once made a paper cast and wore it to school. Am I deluding myself into thinking I have a problem?
- I haven't done cocaine in more than 2 years (but i still think about it), but I could stop doing it.
- doesnt everyone feel this way? I thought everyone drank to cover up social anxiety.
I've just it to be honest. I feel like a fraud at meetings, but I also feel like I can really relate. I don't know why I'm posting this, or what kind of reply I'm looking for...but I just need to get it out. Part of me (my mind?) thinks i'm creating a problem out of nothing. Thanks
JS