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Not sure I belong...

Old 03-19-2013, 07:34 PM
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Not sure I belong...

Hi all,

Ok I'm gonna lay it all out on the table. In point form for easy reading

-I've been a 12 step program for an eating disorder for 2 years
- I continually lose my abstinence because of alcohol. I just lost a year because I got hammered and lost all defense against it
- I am willing to give up sugar, wheat, dairy, caffeine, virtually anything yummy but I can't give up alcohol
-I can't control enjoy my drinking, the two can't coexist for me
- I love drugs and sometimes wake up in the morning thinking about cocaine and how much I love it. Just fantasizing.
- I know I have the spiritual malady.
- I drink to change how i feel and to make friends
- I do really unsafe/not smart things when I drink
- I blackout often
- I can't enjoy two drinks or a glass of wine. Is this normal?
- I feel the promises come true when I drink.

Here are the BUTS
-if my work situation were different, I wouldn't have to drink
- I can have alcohol in the house and not drink it
- I don't drink everyday, I can go weeks without drinking if I don't have to be in social situations
-I can stop drinking once I start, I will want more but I won't have it
- I was a hypochondriac as a kid, someing was always wrong. Always wanting to belong, I would make up a sickness, I once made a paper cast and wore it to school. Am I deluding myself into thinking I have a problem?
- I haven't done cocaine in more than 2 years (but i still think about it), but I could stop doing it.
- doesnt everyone feel this way? I thought everyone drank to cover up social anxiety.

I've just it to be honest. I feel like a fraud at meetings, but I also feel like I can really relate. I don't know why I'm posting this, or what kind of reply I'm looking for...but I just need to get it out. Part of me (my mind?) thinks i'm creating a problem out of nothing. Thanks

JS
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Old 03-19-2013, 07:43 PM
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When you say you can give up fairy and wheat but not alcohol and that you can't enjoy and control at the same time, those are red flags. If you already know the steps, the format, etc, what would it hurt to go if you wanted?

ETA: welcome!
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Old 03-19-2013, 07:53 PM
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I just feel like I'm not a "real alcoholic" and it makes me feel like a fraud. I know it's in my head but it's still there.
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Old 03-19-2013, 08:11 PM
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Originally Posted by Jakeysnakey View Post
I just feel like I'm not a "real alcoholic" and it makes me feel like a fraud. I know it's in my head but it's still there.
Only you can decide if you are or aren't. You list several red flags that could indicate a problem with drinking. No one here can or will tell you that you are or aren't and alcoholic, we are here to help if you desire to quit.
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Old 03-19-2013, 08:15 PM
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it doesn't matter if you are an alcoholic or not. 'alcoholic' is pretty much a meaningless term. i personally don't even use it to describe myself. what matters is if you want to stop drinking, and if so, then this board, aa meetings, etc... are resources to help and motivate you to do so. think of 'sobriety' as an active lifestyle choice, something you're adding to your life, like going to the gym, for example, rather than as a 'lack' of 'alcoholism' or anything else.
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Old 03-20-2013, 03:17 AM
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Originally Posted by Jakeysnakey View Post
I just feel like I'm not a "real alcoholic" and it makes me feel like a fraud. I know it's in my head but it's still there.
I remember this feeling... I used to watch intervention a lot and think, well. I'm nothing like that person, I am not an alcoholic. I also knew a couple of folks who had serious alcohol problems. They drank from the moment they woke, downing pints of vodka. And compared to them, I didn't have a problem in my mind. Then I learned that it was making my life unmanageable and I shouldn't compare.

Good luck with whatever you decide... I would love to know more about the WOE that you do.
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Old 03-20-2013, 04:53 AM
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Ah, if only it were as simple as the amount of booze we drink being a barometer of how 'bad' our addiction is.

The level of seriousness is much more about how our lives are affected. How much we are in the control of a substance or behavior. We can give up the carbs, daquaris,and porn but still be eaten up inside with rage,shame, and compulsions.

Your "outsides" may not match up with those of the people on "Intervention" but from what you shared your insides match up with people here.

Welcome home?

I too have a history of eating disorder, throw in drug use, dangerous relationships, bizarre behavior, cutting, taking risks...and a few other things, and it's clear to see that how much I drank really wasn't the most pressing issue.

I have a love/hate relationship with life. I am learning to better communicate and compromise with it (and myself).
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Old 03-20-2013, 06:16 AM
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Originally Posted by Jakeysnakey View Post
I just feel like I'm not a "real alcoholic" and it makes me feel like a fraud. I know it's in my head but it's still there.
That being "on the fence" period is quite painful.

You say you are in a 12 Step program for an eating disorder, are you in a 12 Step program for alcoholism?

All the best.

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Old 03-20-2013, 06:19 AM
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For me the problem is what happens when I do decide to drink. I can go long periods without drinking as well but when I do drink I can't stop at just one. I drink until I blackout. For this I know I have a problem. I am not a regular person when it comes to alcohol. Don't feel like a fraud at AA. if you want to go then go....there is no prerequiste. If just sitting there listening to other people helps you then it is worth it. You listed some things above that somewhat indicate you do have a problem with alcohol. You may not be a full-blown alcoholic but when you drink bad things happen.
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Old 03-20-2013, 08:09 AM
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Thanks a lot everyone, your comments mean a lot. If I completely disregard the "label" I can admit that I have a problem with alcohol and drugs and my life is unmanageable. Just because I'm not using right now doesn't mean there isn't a problem. Just because I'm not binging and restricting my food right now also doesn't mean there is no problem. The minute I let the insanity back in (by taking back my will) life gets really unmanageable again.

It's what it's doing to my head. It's making me crazy. I gonna keep going to meetings.
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Old 03-20-2013, 09:28 AM
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To me the most important thing is this - when I drink, I drink too much and too often. This causes problems in my life. So I have decided not to drink and avoid the problems it causes for me. I really don't care what people label that to be, i simply don't drink because it's a better alternative for my life than drinking. Glad to see that you realize that too and are actively figuring out a way to not drink....that's the most important thing.
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Old 03-20-2013, 10:13 AM
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I agree with not worrying about the label alcoholic. It's how you feel about yourself when you drink that matters. I became a person that I couldn't stand. I hope you give sobriety a try and I'm glad you found us.
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Old 03-20-2013, 11:01 AM
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Why not honestly and thoroughly work through all of those steps (again)?

You might get some more insight into you.
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