Tough situation all the way around.
I am the addict/alcoholic wife with mental illness. He and his friends decided I am BPD, but my therapist and I are not so sure...anywhooo...
You are doing the right thing by taking care of yourself and your kids. Getting into recovery is no guarantee the marriage will right itself. Some of us DO "play" the role of recovering addict, often thinking we truly are doing it. Sometimes it takes a long time before we are capable of a level of honesty that leads to real growth. I know that was true for me.
I went through the motions for a long time, and little bits sank in until I reached a "critical mass" of honesty and was able to make any real headway.
I would advise you to not play "sponsor" as in judging how she is doing or how deeply she is doing her steps. I think it's unwise for spouses to do so, and better left up to a sponsor, there is less room for her claiming the sponsor has ulterior motives etc.
I am sorta stuck on 8 myself. It is truly hard for me to see how I've hurt some people. I don't see it. I don't necessarily see myself as victimized by many of them, but I truly don't have the perspective to stand back and understand my influence on others. As I continue in my recovery I hope and trust that I will grow to a point where I CAN see that, and own it. I'm not there yet.
For many of us it is difficult to feel as if we matter much to anyone...or thus have the importance to actually effect another. On the other hand, the thought that we DO have that much impact is TERRIFYING! It's a level of responsibility that we feel totally unwilling and unprepared for. It can be an extremely difficult thing for BPD's to come to terms with.
The "dont you see what your behavior is doing to..." line of reasoning often doesn't get very far..no, actually we DON'T. People who are busy running in a blind panic don't notice much of what is going on around them or who or what they are stepping on along the way.
For those of us who have been self medicating with booze and drugs, getting off them often unleashes some whole lotta ugly that needs to be addressed. People hope that getting clean will make us better, but there is often a period of "worse" before real healing begins.
My husband divorced me. I am continuing to work my recovery for ME. I accept that he had to do this for his own well being and so he can find happiness and freedom in his life. He could no longer deal with being strapped to my mental illness. I understand because I have often felt that way myself.
I would encourage her to stay in recovery, even if it looks like it's doing little good. She may hear things, learn things, grow and recover at her own pace, and maybe have a break through moment here and there. The end result might not be what you hope for, but recovery is worth working towards.