I don't know that asking him to drink in the open will change anything. I've had that conversation with my DH, told him I know, he doesn't have to hide, etc. He still went about hiding it. And yes yes yes on sober people remembering conversations. My DH has a fantastic memory, and yet while drinking, his memory is garbled and at times nonexistent. As for the intimacy thing - I told my DH that I wasn't "withholding" intimacy, it's not a punishment. I just don't feel like sleeping with someone who isn't my husband, and it took a long time for us to grow this far apart, and it will take time (and sobriety and recovery and trust building) for us to grow together again.