Tuffgirl, thanks for bringing a little laugh to all this--I guess I didn't think about it that way, but it IS kind of funny....and thanks for the advice to go slow.
Blueskies, I do not mind at all that he spends the amount of time he does on his hobby. He is genuinely good at it, wins awards, and I have my own interests. I did actually ask him last night why he hid his drinking if he didn't (and apparently still doesn't) view it as a problem. The answer was "Because YOU thought it was bad..."
The intimacy issue is a big one also. He routinely did not listen to/remember virtually anything I said, would not remember things we did together, almost seemed as if he didn't live in the same house after a few years just b/c of how unfamiliar he seemed w/so many things. (Due to how I kind of took over things so they would be done "my way"?) When I complained about not being heard, I was told that whatever I had said was was "not important enough to commit to memory." This has been ongoing for all but the first few years of us being together. He would be very thoughtful in some ways, (for instance, if I was heading out for a long run on a Sunday AM, he would be very solicitous about did I have the phone, did I have enough water, etc.) but in the day-to-day talking/listening/communicating way, there was really nothing. Physical intimacy has been fading ever since the first time I knew I had been systematically lied to, and I feel it has faded from both sides more or less equally. I do not know his side for sure, tho.
Good questions, to be pursued in more depth in my journal. Thank you.