Hey honeypig,
I, too, lived within a fog of mystery and mistrust in a 17 year marriage with an A.
for me, the best thing ever is time and space away from the A!!!! The more time and space I get, the more strength and clarity I find within myself. But mine is also abusiveand manipulative. So there ain't much to miss, except the appearance of normality. But that, too, was a cursebecause people would be so jealous of me for myprivileged existence while in reality I was suffering alone.
I love my life away for the questions and suspicions and mistrust.
How about taking a break andgoing on vaca without him for a bit? See what that feels like.
In the meantime, you are asking excellent questions and know that this isall a process, but once clarity hits, such joy!
Have a great weekend!