Recovering2, yes, I am in Alanon, but do not have a sponsor yet, and from what I have seen, the meetings are not the appropriate forum for the sort of specific issues I need to talk about, hence my comment about needing to find someone I can talk to one-on-one. Thank you for the book recommendation.
Just for clarification, the divorce papers were filled out when he was not willing to consider getting sober. When that changed, I decided to put things on hold for the time being.
SparkleKitty, this is exactly my problem: I CANNOT TELL what his actions are. Since he has successfully hidden his drinking from me over a period of many years, what is to say he will not appear to be working his program and I will continue to believe it until the NEXT time, however many years down the road? This is what I'm struggling with. I want the answer to be black and white, but it does not look that way to me (altho the lack of clarity, I am sure, lies with ME and not with the situation itself....).
I don't want to live w/an active alcoholic, but what if I can't tell if he is active or not? What kind of crazy question even IS that?
Thanks to both of you for your time and insights; will take them to heart.