Reality check
Hi, folks--I realize this is something I should probably be addressing in a sponsor-type relationship in AA, but in the 5 meetings I have been to so far, I have not found a prospective sponsor yet. Wondering if I can get some feedback here in the meanwhile? As briefly as possible:
My A is my hub. We are married 16 years. I knew he was an RA when we met, and yet we both drank and smoked. I think I believed this was somehow OK b/c he made me feel safe, which I desperately wanted at that time, and also the drinking was not in any way unusual--no secrecy, not excessive, etc. The first time there was a problem, it did not involve alcohol at all. Shortly after we were married, he came home from playing cards w/some friends and announced that so-and-so and his wife were quitting smoking and so should we. I did quit and so far as I knew, so had he. A couple of years later, I found out he had NEVER quit smoking, and his excuse for not telling me was "well, YOU succeeded, but I was too ashamed to tell you." Guess I kind of bought this at the time, stupid tho it sounds to me now. He then went on to "really quit."
Over the next few years, I found his cigarettes a couple times, each time making a big scene, "why are you lying to me, why don't you just smoke openly if you want to smoke?". At one point, he was honest for a month or 2 about his smoking but then "really quit" again, which, amazingly enough, turned out not to be true. (Should also add that my sense of smell is very poor, so I never noticed a smell, coupled w/the fact that he was always VERY careful about ventilation, from what I later learned.)
Moving forward, our relationship seemed to grow more distant and he just didn't seem like "the man I married". He would come down later and later for dinner from his upstairs room where he would build model airplanes, his hobby. Many nights things just seemed off, but I couldn't put my finger on it. Finally, a little over 4 years ago, he was unmistakably drunk when he came down. Turns out he had been drinking up there alone every night for years and the times he came down late were the times he had "overshot" and had to wait to sober up to where I would not notice. He immediately agreed to return to AA and started going to a meeting each weekend. He would come home and tell me the topic of the meeting, a little about what was said, even sometimes things like "oh, we had a newcomer" or the like.
In that 4 years, there were times I observed that he seemed as if he had been drinking upstairs again, but after agonizing about asking him (oh, I can't show that I DOUBT him!) and finally asking on several occasions, I was told "no, of course I'm not drinking." Again, in the interest of brevity, I found out about a month and a half ago that he had NEVER gone to one single meeting and did not change ANYTHING, had been drinking and smoking and lying about it the whole time. This time, completely unwilling to make a change, things like "this is my only pleasure in the day!" and "our relationship is just like ROOMMATES!" coming out of his mouth.
I am not willing to live w/an active alcoholic. I filled out divorce papers (no kids, just us) and told him I am not willing to go on like this. Now he is allegedly on the wagon again. I am making myself crazy trying to figure out if this is for real. Typing it, I guess I see that it's about a 99.9% chance that it's NOT real. Now I'm trying to decide, am I nuts? He is not abusive, he is not a fall-down drunk, we do not have financial problems--yet. Part of me says "so let him drink, who cares, it's not all that bad" but another part says "is that what you really want?"
I feel incredibly stupid--this should not be a hard decision! Yet part of me wants to "help", wants to somehow hope that, after being lied to for essentially the entire duration of our marriage, THIS time it will stop. And is he really an alcoholic, or is he a LIE-aholic, since this same behavior has involved other things besides alcohol?
Thank you to anyone who has pressed on and read thru this epic....and I dread yet need input. I'll be watching, and I think I need to ask someone to be at least a temporary sponsor for me very soon. Again, thanks.
Wanted to add: I understand that only he can make the decision to stop drinking/lying. I am in Alanon and understand I have a LOT to work on regarding myself and how F'd up our relationship was right from the get go.