Well, I had a using dream last night (this morning...nice way to wake up eh?)
I don't recall using in the dream, but I recall knowing I had used and being angry, dissapointed and scared. I was debating whether or not I was going to give up my clean time, arguing with myself because I am so proud of my clean time and was so sorry to have besmirched it. But I knew that being dishonest and saying I'd been clean for such and such amount of time when I had not was just more addict behavior.
There was such a sense of hollowness over having used again, and wondering why I would have done such a thing when I KNOW it wouldn' help anything and I gave up something precious for essentially nothing.
OH, and the dream was also another stress fest dream over the job I quit two days ago!
I have done some binge eating over the past few days and I think that is the "clean time" thing in my dream, though in the dream it was pills I had taken.
So....waking up, fresh day, living clean. How can just a dream leave me feeling so beaten up and shaken up?