I am completely new to this, but I think this can be a healing experience for me. It's beyond complicated to try to talk about addiction to those who have no idea what it feels like, who have no idea how bad the pain hurts. I am grateful to be able to openly discuss my problems with peers who can, will and do understand my situation and what I'm going through. With that being said, here goes...
I have made a great life for myself. I am a registered nurse at 23 years old (well, in June) and I have a great job, family, and friends. However, I am madly in love with someone who suffers from addiction. Here's my story.
I was in my second semester of nursing school when I met my ex through a mutual friend. The girl who introduced us was in my class, and she told me that I should meet her husband's cousin. I was in a long-term (but rocky) relationship at the time. I figured I wasn't looking for someone else, so why not? More than likely, I wouldn't like him. I thought I was in love at the time with the guy I was seeing.. Yeah, young and dumb is what I was. He treated me like complete crap. I guess that's why when I met my friend's husband's cousin (aka my ex), I instantly fell in love with him. From the moment I saw him, my heart had melted. I had never felt that for anyone before. I immediately knew.. This boy was going to be my husband one day.
About 6 months into a relationship with him, I found pills in his truck. I knew my friend's husband had an addiction problem to prescription drugs. I was so naive at the time, I was 19 years old, I had no idea that if his cousin was doing drugs and they were together all of the time.. OBVIOUSLY my ex would have a problem. He was so amazing though, I guess I expected so much more from him. We did everything together. He knew every detail about me. He knew me better than I knew myself. We always had the best times together, even in the worst situations. He was not only my soulmate, but he was hands down, my very best friend in the world. I threatened to leave, and he cried like a baby. He promised me he would get sober, because I meant everything to him. He said he couldn't lose me. I believed him and gave him another chance. In my young mind, I figured if he had a true "addiction" problem- it would be as obvious as his cousin's was. However, my ex didn't look sick. He didn't act like he was on drugs. He hid it very well. He did get and stay sober for about 4 months. Around the time he started using again, his grandfather became very ill with cancer. My ex loved his grandfather more than anything - they were extremely close and his grandfather getting sick crushed his heart into pieces. He still was not open about his usage, but I would notice anger in the mornings.. and I became a little detective. When he wasn't around, I was constantly checking his wallet, his drawers, everything. I did find pills in his knife case once- and threw them out the window as we were driving down the road. I was getting completely fed up. I thought he had quit so how could he do this to me? I knew he was going through a hard time but I also was very stern in my belief that it is NOT an acceptable or healthy coping mechanism. My ex lived 2 hours away from me, and I was in school.. But on my days off, he would drive to come get me no matter how long he had worked that day or if it meant he would have to bring me right back in a few hours.. We were always together when we could be. So I figured if something was fishy and he had started using regularly, I would know it. I am understanding in that everyone will relapse. I figured he had just slipped up. So I gave him another chance.
2 days before my ex's birthday, his grandfather passed away. I was not with my ex when it happened because I was away at school - but he called me and let me know the moment it happened. I couldn't bear the pain in his voice. It was 1:30 in the morning, and it was snowing outside. I got up, got ready, and was there. We had the funeral on my ex's birthday, which really broke his heart. The night of the funeral, I was at his grandmother's studying for a nursing exam, when my ex came in and it was the first time I had ever truly seen him high and known it. He said he had taken some valium, which he got from his cousin, and I knew his drug of choice was oxycodone/oxycontin. I couldn't even understand anything he was saying. He was nodding out, not making any sense, and being a complete jerk to me. No one in his family noticed -- there was so much going on. I was heartbroken once again. I left to go home the next morning, all the while, holding in my hurt and anger from his family. I had no one to talk to about this, and he surely wasn't going to listen if I tried to talk to him. He truly did not care about anything I had to say at that time. He was broken. He had just lost one of the most important people in his life. I had promised his grandfather on his death bed that I would do everything in my power to take care of his grandson. My ex had truly only wanted his grandfather to be proud of him, and he knew he wasn't making him proud. He had dropped out of school (his grandfather was a veteranarian and my ex wanted to follow in his footsteps), and became a bartender. He had promised his grandfather he would go back to school but he never did. I guess he had his demons to face, and I felt like there was nothing I could do to help.
My ex was supposed to come see me a few days after the funeral but he never showed. He had told me had just woken up later that night, and a mutual friend had called me and told me she had seen him buying drugs earlier that day. Why would she lie? I knew he was back to using, and this time, I knew it was a problem. I called him and asked him about it, and that's when the lying became a problem. I went to see him, and later that night, found him OD'd in the bathroom with a belt around his arm and a syringe on the floor. This was the last straw. I couldn't watch him kill himself.
I confronted his dad (both of his parent's are also nurses) and told him everything. He felt like, since his specialty was addiction, he could get him clean. We gave it a try. My ex detoxed and began the recovery process. However, as we all know, if an addict isn't ready- he isn't going to quit and he relapsed once more. This time, it was worse. He was sleeping all of the time, and when he wasn't, you knew he was high. He lost 30 lbs very rapidly. He looked terrible. We had a family intervention and he agreed to get help. He went into a Christian-based rehab for 3 months. He got out exactly 1 day before my nursing school graduation. I went and picked him up. I hadn't seen him in 3 months and only got 1 phone call a week for 30 minutes. He looked amazing. I had my world back.. I was on cloud nine.
Not long after, I got a good job and he got a factory job and he moved to my hometown with me. We figured it would be a fresh start.. Within 2 months, he had lost his job and was not looking to find one. He started school, and I thought everything was going good.. Until I opened my bathroom drawers and found a can that had been burned with melted pills in it. I FREAKED OUT.
What?! We're back to this?! Really?!
I stayed with my parent's that night. I was literally crushed. I don't know why- but something told me to check my bank account, because sometimes I would let him use my credit card.. Over a 5 month period, he had taken about $2,000 from me. I noticed withdrawls here and there.. Starting at $25 and maxing out at $500 at a time. I could not believe it. This was a new low.
I told him to get out. He packed his stuff that night, I stayed with my parents, and he went back home.. 2 hours away and moved in with his family. Through it all, his family and I were extremely close.. and it seemed like when I told them, they just said: "Well, make sure you get your card back!" The last thing they said to me was: "Take care of yourself, young lady. We love and will miss you.." I felt abandoned. By everyone.
My ex and I had talked on and off for a few weeks and I literally BEGGED him to go back to treatment. He wouldn't budge. He said he wasn't addicted. He did pay back most of the money, but whenever I would mention it, he would laugh and say that amount wasn't even close to what he was spending. I knew he had borrowed $8,000 for a truck from his parents. What I found out later, was that he also borrowed $5,000 more in a 3 month period. I never saw a dime of that money. My ex was putting that money up his nose and in his arm.
His cousin called me one night to tell me that the day he got out of rehab, he bought heroin from him. Apparently my ex was smoking pot while IN REHAB. After multiple stories, he finally admitted to that one. I could not believe it. It was like I didn't even know him anymore.. I broke it off completely- cried myself to sleep every night, and lost 20 lbs in 2 weeks. I was sick. I could not believe the person who I loved so much had done this to me.. He basically told me that he needed to fix himself and he quit talking to me. I couldn't understand it. After 4 months, we got back in touch. I was still beyond heartbroken. When I saw him, he looked amazing. He was sober.. and we were right back to square 1. I had my world back.. The only problem was, I had met someone else at that time.
I was torn. Should I give my ex another chance or give someone new a chance? I figured the new guy had to have a fair shot. I had given my ex so many chances.. I wanted him to feel the pain I felt. I wanted HIM to miss ME. Once the new guy and I started officially dating, my ex snapped. We quit speaking again. I was SO angry at him for abandoning me again.. He didn't miss me. He didn't care about me. I couldnt understand it. Where was the guy I knew and fell in love with?
A few months ago, my grandmother passed away. When my ex heard about it, he contacted me. I was thrilled. Here I had started a new life with someone new- but you know, he wasn't my ex. I don't get the same feelings.. I love my boyfriend, but in a different way. I dont think anyone could ever compare.. Ever. I still think about my ex every day. Every now and then, he texts me and tells me he misses me and still thinks about me, how he wishes we could still be together and he is sorry for it all. It took a long time, but once I got over the anger and frustration, I forgave him for it all. We text every now and then, and I know it is completely wrong. I can't help it.. He's like my addiction. I am constantly thinking about him, wondering what he's doing, how he's doing.. He says he's clean -- but how would I know? He's 2 hours away.. Would I ever be able to trust him again? He's talking about joining the marines.. so, should I even try? My boyfriend is good to me, though we have our disagreements.. And I'm over feeling like a horrible person -- but I literally cannot help it. I miss my ex. We have been broken up for a year and 13 days.. It's just not normal to have feelings for someone that long! Like, I should be over him.. But I'm not. I don't think I ever will be. When I picture my future, I see him.. But how can I know if he's changed?
What do you all think? Please help!
Sorry this was so long.. I got a little crazy with the story telling...
