I miss him. :(

Old 03-14-2013, 04:06 PM
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Exclamation I miss him. :(

I am completely new to this, but I think this can be a healing experience for me. It's beyond complicated to try to talk about addiction to those who have no idea what it feels like, who have no idea how bad the pain hurts. I am grateful to be able to openly discuss my problems with peers who can, will and do understand my situation and what I'm going through. With that being said, here goes...

I have made a great life for myself. I am a registered nurse at 23 years old (well, in June) and I have a great job, family, and friends. However, I am madly in love with someone who suffers from addiction. Here's my story.

I was in my second semester of nursing school when I met my ex through a mutual friend. The girl who introduced us was in my class, and she told me that I should meet her husband's cousin. I was in a long-term (but rocky) relationship at the time. I figured I wasn't looking for someone else, so why not? More than likely, I wouldn't like him. I thought I was in love at the time with the guy I was seeing.. Yeah, young and dumb is what I was. He treated me like complete crap. I guess that's why when I met my friend's husband's cousin (aka my ex), I instantly fell in love with him. From the moment I saw him, my heart had melted. I had never felt that for anyone before. I immediately knew.. This boy was going to be my husband one day.

About 6 months into a relationship with him, I found pills in his truck. I knew my friend's husband had an addiction problem to prescription drugs. I was so naive at the time, I was 19 years old, I had no idea that if his cousin was doing drugs and they were together all of the time.. OBVIOUSLY my ex would have a problem. He was so amazing though, I guess I expected so much more from him. We did everything together. He knew every detail about me. He knew me better than I knew myself. We always had the best times together, even in the worst situations. He was not only my soulmate, but he was hands down, my very best friend in the world. I threatened to leave, and he cried like a baby. He promised me he would get sober, because I meant everything to him. He said he couldn't lose me. I believed him and gave him another chance. In my young mind, I figured if he had a true "addiction" problem- it would be as obvious as his cousin's was. However, my ex didn't look sick. He didn't act like he was on drugs. He hid it very well. He did get and stay sober for about 4 months. Around the time he started using again, his grandfather became very ill with cancer. My ex loved his grandfather more than anything - they were extremely close and his grandfather getting sick crushed his heart into pieces. He still was not open about his usage, but I would notice anger in the mornings.. and I became a little detective. When he wasn't around, I was constantly checking his wallet, his drawers, everything. I did find pills in his knife case once- and threw them out the window as we were driving down the road. I was getting completely fed up. I thought he had quit so how could he do this to me? I knew he was going through a hard time but I also was very stern in my belief that it is NOT an acceptable or healthy coping mechanism. My ex lived 2 hours away from me, and I was in school.. But on my days off, he would drive to come get me no matter how long he had worked that day or if it meant he would have to bring me right back in a few hours.. We were always together when we could be. So I figured if something was fishy and he had started using regularly, I would know it. I am understanding in that everyone will relapse. I figured he had just slipped up. So I gave him another chance.

2 days before my ex's birthday, his grandfather passed away. I was not with my ex when it happened because I was away at school - but he called me and let me know the moment it happened. I couldn't bear the pain in his voice. It was 1:30 in the morning, and it was snowing outside. I got up, got ready, and was there. We had the funeral on my ex's birthday, which really broke his heart. The night of the funeral, I was at his grandmother's studying for a nursing exam, when my ex came in and it was the first time I had ever truly seen him high and known it. He said he had taken some valium, which he got from his cousin, and I knew his drug of choice was oxycodone/oxycontin. I couldn't even understand anything he was saying. He was nodding out, not making any sense, and being a complete jerk to me. No one in his family noticed -- there was so much going on. I was heartbroken once again. I left to go home the next morning, all the while, holding in my hurt and anger from his family. I had no one to talk to about this, and he surely wasn't going to listen if I tried to talk to him. He truly did not care about anything I had to say at that time. He was broken. He had just lost one of the most important people in his life. I had promised his grandfather on his death bed that I would do everything in my power to take care of his grandson. My ex had truly only wanted his grandfather to be proud of him, and he knew he wasn't making him proud. He had dropped out of school (his grandfather was a veteranarian and my ex wanted to follow in his footsteps), and became a bartender. He had promised his grandfather he would go back to school but he never did. I guess he had his demons to face, and I felt like there was nothing I could do to help.

My ex was supposed to come see me a few days after the funeral but he never showed. He had told me had just woken up later that night, and a mutual friend had called me and told me she had seen him buying drugs earlier that day. Why would she lie? I knew he was back to using, and this time, I knew it was a problem. I called him and asked him about it, and that's when the lying became a problem. I went to see him, and later that night, found him OD'd in the bathroom with a belt around his arm and a syringe on the floor. This was the last straw. I couldn't watch him kill himself.

I confronted his dad (both of his parent's are also nurses) and told him everything. He felt like, since his specialty was addiction, he could get him clean. We gave it a try. My ex detoxed and began the recovery process. However, as we all know, if an addict isn't ready- he isn't going to quit and he relapsed once more. This time, it was worse. He was sleeping all of the time, and when he wasn't, you knew he was high. He lost 30 lbs very rapidly. He looked terrible. We had a family intervention and he agreed to get help. He went into a Christian-based rehab for 3 months. He got out exactly 1 day before my nursing school graduation. I went and picked him up. I hadn't seen him in 3 months and only got 1 phone call a week for 30 minutes. He looked amazing. I had my world back.. I was on cloud nine.

Not long after, I got a good job and he got a factory job and he moved to my hometown with me. We figured it would be a fresh start.. Within 2 months, he had lost his job and was not looking to find one. He started school, and I thought everything was going good.. Until I opened my bathroom drawers and found a can that had been burned with melted pills in it. I FREAKED OUT.

What?! We're back to this?! Really?!

I stayed with my parent's that night. I was literally crushed. I don't know why- but something told me to check my bank account, because sometimes I would let him use my credit card.. Over a 5 month period, he had taken about $2,000 from me. I noticed withdrawls here and there.. Starting at $25 and maxing out at $500 at a time. I could not believe it. This was a new low.
I told him to get out. He packed his stuff that night, I stayed with my parents, and he went back home.. 2 hours away and moved in with his family. Through it all, his family and I were extremely close.. and it seemed like when I told them, they just said: "Well, make sure you get your card back!" The last thing they said to me was: "Take care of yourself, young lady. We love and will miss you.." I felt abandoned. By everyone.

My ex and I had talked on and off for a few weeks and I literally BEGGED him to go back to treatment. He wouldn't budge. He said he wasn't addicted. He did pay back most of the money, but whenever I would mention it, he would laugh and say that amount wasn't even close to what he was spending. I knew he had borrowed $8,000 for a truck from his parents. What I found out later, was that he also borrowed $5,000 more in a 3 month period. I never saw a dime of that money. My ex was putting that money up his nose and in his arm.

His cousin called me one night to tell me that the day he got out of rehab, he bought heroin from him. Apparently my ex was smoking pot while IN REHAB. After multiple stories, he finally admitted to that one. I could not believe it. It was like I didn't even know him anymore.. I broke it off completely- cried myself to sleep every night, and lost 20 lbs in 2 weeks. I was sick. I could not believe the person who I loved so much had done this to me.. He basically told me that he needed to fix himself and he quit talking to me. I couldn't understand it. After 4 months, we got back in touch. I was still beyond heartbroken. When I saw him, he looked amazing. He was sober.. and we were right back to square 1. I had my world back.. The only problem was, I had met someone else at that time.

I was torn. Should I give my ex another chance or give someone new a chance? I figured the new guy had to have a fair shot. I had given my ex so many chances.. I wanted him to feel the pain I felt. I wanted HIM to miss ME. Once the new guy and I started officially dating, my ex snapped. We quit speaking again. I was SO angry at him for abandoning me again.. He didn't miss me. He didn't care about me. I couldnt understand it. Where was the guy I knew and fell in love with?

A few months ago, my grandmother passed away. When my ex heard about it, he contacted me. I was thrilled. Here I had started a new life with someone new- but you know, he wasn't my ex. I don't get the same feelings.. I love my boyfriend, but in a different way. I dont think anyone could ever compare.. Ever. I still think about my ex every day. Every now and then, he texts me and tells me he misses me and still thinks about me, how he wishes we could still be together and he is sorry for it all. It took a long time, but once I got over the anger and frustration, I forgave him for it all. We text every now and then, and I know it is completely wrong. I can't help it.. He's like my addiction. I am constantly thinking about him, wondering what he's doing, how he's doing.. He says he's clean -- but how would I know? He's 2 hours away.. Would I ever be able to trust him again? He's talking about joining the marines.. so, should I even try? My boyfriend is good to me, though we have our disagreements.. And I'm over feeling like a horrible person -- but I literally cannot help it. I miss my ex. We have been broken up for a year and 13 days.. It's just not normal to have feelings for someone that long! Like, I should be over him.. But I'm not. I don't think I ever will be. When I picture my future, I see him.. But how can I know if he's changed?

What do you all think? Please help!

Sorry this was so long.. I got a little crazy with the story telling...

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Old 03-14-2013, 04:07 PM
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Let me add:

He said he quit talking to me for those 4 months to give me space and time to "heal". Now, looking back, I understand because I never would have if we had kept in contact. The problem is, I will never fully be "healed"... I am still heartbroken.

I can remember everything he said when we broke up. How I deserved better, how he was just a screw up, how he couldn't live in my home with me in my hometown because he needed to be with his family, etc. They were all excuses. He is still living at home with his parents, and guess what? He barely sees them. I ask how they are, and he says, "Fine, I guess. lol" -- It's like everyone just ignored he has a problem -- and enabled him. I just wanted them to support me like they did the first time and try to get him to go back to treatment but after the breakup, they just said they were going to do what was best for him. What was that? Let him move back home and pretend it never happened? Still hurt by this.

But now he's saying he thinks we can make it if we got back together.. And I miss him. I am so torn, you guys!!
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Old 03-14-2013, 05:06 PM
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Hi there JustBreathe. Your post sounds a lot like how things started out with my now AH when we were your age. The only real difference is that I married mine and we have 2 children together and he has literally cratered our lives with addiction.

Have you heard of NarAnon? If not, I would encourage you to check out their online forums or go to an in person meeting. I think that support community is fantastic - it was a life saver for me.

If I could go back in time and have my 40 year old self meet my bright-eyed, happy go lucky, 21 year old self who was literally addicted the way you mention to my handsome husband who was also my best friend, I would tell her "RUN, RUN FAR AWAY and don't you look back - you'll thank me for it later". Of course, life doesn't work that way, and I have come to realize that wondering about the what if's (both future and present) only cause us to not sit and appreciate what is in front of us today. For today, it doesn't sound like what he is behaving like isn't even what you want, so why go and play roulette with something that has only showed you its true colors over and over?

I love the saying "when people show you who they are, believe them". Words are just that, WORDS. Actions - now that's where the rubber meets the road in my life now because for far too long, I believed the empty words and paid for it greatly.

Hugs and keep coming back.
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Old 03-14-2013, 05:21 PM
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Ann
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I'm glad you joined us here.

When you look at him today, what has changed?

And what about you, what has changed?

Will this time be different from every other time, and if so, in what way?

These are questions to ask yourself, you don't have to answer them here.

Thinking this through, being completely honest with yourself, will help you find your way.

Hugs
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Old 03-14-2013, 05:23 PM
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HopeSpringsToo,

Your post was very helpful for me. I worry that I could end up in a situation similar to yours in the future. One thing I am grateful for is not marrying him in that time. He said he felt like he could have stayed clean if we had kids together, but you know from experience I'm sure, that just makes it harder. My father is an addict and we are not close. I've seen firsthand how it affects children..
I will have to check out that support group! I have been to Al-anon and enjoyed it. Thanks again for your post- I need all of the support/advice I can get.
Hugs.
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Old 03-14-2013, 05:25 PM
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Ann,

I have asked him those questions and told him that I have changed so much since we were together.. I'm sure he has as well. Thank you for your post! It means a lot to have people outside of the situation who listen and care.
Hugs.
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Old 03-14-2013, 05:29 PM
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I don't think your ex is good relationship material, and yes, you are addicted to him. I don't think it's fair to your current boyfriend to stay with him while you still have such strong feelings for your ex. I believe you need time to just be, without a love interest. Learn to love yourself and figure out what you truly want out of life.
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Old 03-14-2013, 06:13 PM
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Just like you asked your ex to stop the drug use...please, you need to do the same. However, your drug of choice is him. It is not doing you any good. It is harming and hurting you. You think he will bring you happiness, but it hurts you when he doesn't. The only power comes, when you walk away and stay away. Put yourself first, and stay first. All of us on SR have gone through the same thing in various scenarios. We all thought we would be different, we could fix it. We can't, we didn't and if we were lucky, we worked on fixing ourselves.
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Old 03-14-2013, 06:32 PM
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what EXACTLY is it you MISS?

I figured I wasn't looking for someone else, so why not? More than likely, I wouldn't like him. I thought I was in love at the time with the guy I was seeing.. Yeah, young and dumb is what I was. He treated me like complete crap. I guess that's why when I met my friend's husband's cousin (aka my ex), I instantly fell in love with him.
this might be a good time to take a good hard look at what you think LOVE is...cuz you went from one guy, who treated you like crap but you thought you were IN LOVE with to another guy, who happened to be a drug addict, and INSTANTLY fell in love with HIM.

whatever that was, it wasn't LOVE. love doesn't hop from person to person, based on a whim, or within moments of meeting.

I had my world back.. The only problem was, I had met someone else at that time.
that you think HE is your world indicates that you have no true sense of SELF. YOU are your world.....no one can BE your world. plus you have already within the year of splitting from addict guy, hooked up with yet another guy??

men can't fix you. I remember being torn between the "evil" bf and the new "angel" bf....I was a mess at the time, drinking too much, just getting over doing too many drugs - crystal and mda...i'd break if off with evil bf, hook up with good bf, get drunk, go find evil bf, break it off with good bf, sober up and say what the hell am I thinking?? and reconnect with good bf. I had to ultimately cut the ties with BOTH of them to get out of my own self created insanity.
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Old 03-14-2013, 07:09 PM
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My story is a lot like your story with your ex except I married mine and after 5 years of lies, Empty promises, cheating, job loss etc.. I'm thankfully now divorced from him..

Perhaps you should take a break from any kind of romantic relationships for a while and concentrate on the one the truly matters YOURSELF.. Start reading up on codependency.. Codependent No more by Melody Beattie and Women who love too much by Robin Norewood are two very good ones to get you started..

You will be an RN in a few short months, please please be thankful that you are no longer in a relationship with this man.. Imagine being with him if he ever got arrested for drugs.. Your career that I know you've worked so hard for would be ruined in an instant..

The best way to get over this guy is to go No Contact.. As long as you keep him in your back pocket he is going to keep coming around.. He's not coming around because he loves you, he's coming around because you are a potential enabler.. Please respect yourself and the new guy you are with because its not really fair I him that you are still communicating with your ex and block and walk...
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Old 03-14-2013, 11:54 PM
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Honestly I know it is really hard to let go..I am going through a breakup and it is sooo hard! But my advice would be to not get back together with him...at least not yet. Even if he is 4 months sober..that's good, but it's not really much time. I told my XBF i would only consider getting back together with him if he showed me 6 solid months of recovery. And, most people say you should wait at least a year. Early recovery is so rocky. Relapse is likely. I don't want to say that he WILL relapse..I hope he doesn't! But you just don't know. Like you said,
We text every now and then, and I know it is completely wrong. I can't help it.. He's like my addiction. I am constantly thinking about him, wondering what he's doing, how he's doing.. He says he's clean -- but how would I know? He's 2 hours away.. Would I ever be able to trust him again?
He is your addiction!!! My ex is mine too. IMO, it is not healthy to be in a relationship when that is the way you feel about someone (that you NEED them, that you can't survive without him). In my situation, I try to tell myself, whatever is meant to happen will happen. I truly believe that. If you guys are meant to be together, you will be. But for now......I wouldn't do it...too soon.

Just my 2 cents! Sorry you are struggling with this!
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