Cerene. Thank you.
I have been in personal counseling for over 15 yrs for myself because of my childhood abandonment and ACOA issues.
I want you to know that the reasons why I felt like its somehow my fault of him cutting contact was because I know it was getting stressful and he was feeling pressure almost immediately once he finished the program. Unfortunately, that was coupled with him being a terribly beligerent, inpatient, immature, distant sometimes even mean person. Honestly....this person had reared his ugly head; but only when he was actively using. The timing seemed too.coincidental because he was saying things like "we got this babe!" "God hasnt brought us this far to seperate us now!!" And when i'd feel inpatient or lose faith he'd say how much time we had left to be apart..."only two.more months and it will get easier. We can see each other more and I am.free to call and text you whenever!"
Of course, the anticipation was palpable. It was like waiting for a celebration.of freedom.on so.many levels for him, for us...for our relatiinship...so I had a clear and seemingly reasonable expectation set. By him.
I would be upset when he would not call me. But it was because he would say he would call, follow that up with a text that said he cant call now and he will call later..followed by another txt that says he cant call and now he is too tired to call or text? Repeat this daily....and later never happened. I realize that he has priorities and that I.am not number one. I went into this realizing that....however, if the above scenario happens over and over...and the behavior is that of mirroring the behavior he acted on while actively drinking....it really is a mess for knes mind. Over the last few wks/months he had been lying, getting caught in lies and bizarre scenarios he woul himself create (ie: i sent him.a card and something small for Vday. He told me he sent a card in the mail to me....must have been lost in the mail.....he swore it for two wks..on his own *did the card come yet?" until I.finally said " there is no card, is there? You never did send me a.card for Vday?" He finally admjtted that in fact no there was no card coming....)
Shame or not. Whats the point of that? Getting my hopes hp in expectation only to fully flat out create a scenario to let me down......okay so now FF to last week. He was excited about my birthday wknd all week. We both were. We even went to a tennis match for date night last Monday....was really nice. That though was followed by a crazy week.of being late for work, sleeping all the time, avoiding me, blowing me off altogether.
Just because I have needs and expectations does not make me needy. The constant build up then disapppointment of his words became an issue. I never cared that he couldnt call me or text me. But then dnt tell me you are going to at x time and then don't. (This would happen EACh time.... It seemed very much like avoiding me and before i knew it three days have past and we havent talked at all. I believe ive done an excellent job checking my expectatiins throughout this entire scenario....being realistic and fair to both of us.
I knew he was tired last week...I wanted him to relax and not feel.pressure to.come up. Starting Fri morning he was already saying "oh snow is bad. May not come" followed by a few more other excuses why he may not be able to make jt.....We talked on Friday on a phont call .....1st one I was met by anger and a seething nasty lecture about "what dont i understand about tge fact tgat he is tired and he just wants to be abke to relax after work and not go anywhere."
I wasnt pressuering him to do anything but try and solidify plans that was made and understand what he needed to feel less prrssure...whatever that meant and regardless of whether or not they had to be modified.
This went on until Saturday morning, in which he texted me at 630am saying he slept from after dinner until just now (13 hrs), he was sorry and he was sleeping the entire time. Thats it. I didnt know whatvto think. And theyvsay if your not sure what to say....dont respond. So I didnt. I didnt txt or call him back. And quite frankly it felt like he was making yet another excuse about trying not to see me.
I called him Sun morning and left a VM. Told him.i got his txt and i didnt hear from him as well as the fact thatvi was giving him space he seemed he needed. I told him i hoped he had a nice day and caught up on some good rest which js what he seemed to need. I told him i hoped to hear from him soon.....
Never responded Sunday..... And yesterday was my actual birthday and not even one txt/call/nothing...That hurts. Of all days? Why would he pick that one? Trying to get a pointvacross? That its over? Teaching me a lesson (which he often does with silence/brooding) for actually having needs or a bad minute or just needjng to regroup mentally so that we can come back together with clear heads??
Im damned if i do. Im.damned jf i done. But either way...he seems to be the only one in the equation...always.
I have aquienced on so many occasions and didnt think expeting a call would be so difficult...all while being blown off.
Im doind the best i can in a very difficult situatiin...and knkw that many of us who.love addicts find ourselves sad, angry and even resentful that it seems we cant have bad days... cant be upset over something legit; because it doesnt fall within the A/Ah comfort zone. Its frustrating but I believed in us and in this process. With patience and love and compassion and understanding......but i am.not perfect. I screw up too. However that doesnt seem forgivable. And some question why our self worth is shot? Self esteem suffers from.not feeling valued or respected? So i stepped back.....and look what happens......he throws me away the second I didnt fall back.into the games of the back.and forth, underlying point he would try to get across by avoidjng me, piecing things together through text msg.
I was doing my best for someone who is in a pretty unique and messed up situation....
I go back.and forth betweeen jts my fault. I shoild have been.MORE understanding....MORE this MORE that. But isnt that not pitting boundaries up for my own well being??
As soon as I started to NOT be ONLY taking care of his needs wants an desires....Im thrown away???
It all seems so.deliberatley hurtful...I.mean why on my birthday would you not at least reach out??
So so hurt. Still.confused. heartbroken and still so.lost in this.
I would LOVE to get to a mtg every single day....i have three children which makes it very hard when.there is no childcare at the mtgs....but im doing my best.
He told me he loved me couldnt wait to see me...only to cut me totally out which just feels alot like me being punished for not giving him another break. Not giving him what he wants.......
Whats worse? He is acutely aware that being abandoned is my biggest issue.....did he really never care because he now abandoned me.....
Just seems unneccesarily cruel.....