Dating for about 1yr-->He was in Recovery-->Relapse-->6mo sober living-->Now what?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: NJ
Posts: 48
Dating for about 1yr-->He was in Recovery-->Relapse-->6mo sober living-->Now what?
Hi there. Im new to this site and posted something a few wks ago, but but no responses in another Forum. It was sugessted I post here too for more feedback. 
Last January I started to date a guy who I've known since I was in grade school. We lost touch over quite a few years and reconnected through Facebook. Started to date seriously last January 2012.
July 1, 2012 he emotionally disclosed to me (while drinking), that he was a recovered heroin addict. Clean and sober for 8 years.
Me not really understanding the disease of addiction; I was assuming he was having just a bad couple of weeks leading up to him telling me this.... being MIA frequently, erratic behavior, emotional.... just all around seemingly tortured.
I was never a big drinker at all so during Jan-July 2012 we would go out often, never have any issues or discussions about alcohol. He would usually get water or diet coke, Id get a coke. It was just a non-issue (or so I thought)
Anyway, very very quickly him 'just having a hard time' turned into 3-5 pints of vodka a day, losing his job, etc.....Because we were in a long distance relationship (an hour or so away from each other); I wasnt even aware how bad things were getting esp. since I never really saw him drunk and certain shady events would transpire (general MIA stuff, moody/mean etc)...
So after the entire month of July and half of August and 3 hospital detoxes...He decided to enter a 6 month rehab program and sober living facility at the Salvation Army.....
He has been.incredibly committed and will be graduating the program this week.
Over the last 6-9 wks, Ive noticed him becoming more moody, agitated, beligerent 'dry drunk' stuff. Sporadic communication/texts, generally seems like Im just a bother to him. Hasnt been treating me well at all.
After we speak about it, he feels remorseful and acknowledges his guilt and shame in having a hard time with being scared and unsure about the end of the program.....
I realize throughout this time,standing by him, supporting him, waiting for him to get out of the program.....I am exhausted.
I have so many issues myself, lost myself, slupped into.this needy co dependant mess of a woman whose self esteem has suffered greatly during this time.....with that I had decided to start going to AlAnon mtgs for myself.
At this point, Im wondering if this will get better. Will.I always feel.like I.can't have bad days myself? I cant have bad moods or depend.on him in any way shape or form.....just feel generally like Im not able to have a life with a person who doesnt seem.all that interested in me anymore?
I want to believe this is going to work, as long as he has this program (and.so.do.I)...
I dont usually give up.on.people....ughhh...but Im.just confused on how recovery works and whether this is considered early recovery? Or is this jyst a blip on.the radar of an alcoholic/addict??
Im an emotional mess and love this.man.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated ........
Last January I started to date a guy who I've known since I was in grade school. We lost touch over quite a few years and reconnected through Facebook. Started to date seriously last January 2012.
July 1, 2012 he emotionally disclosed to me (while drinking), that he was a recovered heroin addict. Clean and sober for 8 years.
Me not really understanding the disease of addiction; I was assuming he was having just a bad couple of weeks leading up to him telling me this.... being MIA frequently, erratic behavior, emotional.... just all around seemingly tortured.
I was never a big drinker at all so during Jan-July 2012 we would go out often, never have any issues or discussions about alcohol. He would usually get water or diet coke, Id get a coke. It was just a non-issue (or so I thought)
Anyway, very very quickly him 'just having a hard time' turned into 3-5 pints of vodka a day, losing his job, etc.....Because we were in a long distance relationship (an hour or so away from each other); I wasnt even aware how bad things were getting esp. since I never really saw him drunk and certain shady events would transpire (general MIA stuff, moody/mean etc)...
So after the entire month of July and half of August and 3 hospital detoxes...He decided to enter a 6 month rehab program and sober living facility at the Salvation Army.....
He has been.incredibly committed and will be graduating the program this week.
Over the last 6-9 wks, Ive noticed him becoming more moody, agitated, beligerent 'dry drunk' stuff. Sporadic communication/texts, generally seems like Im just a bother to him. Hasnt been treating me well at all.
After we speak about it, he feels remorseful and acknowledges his guilt and shame in having a hard time with being scared and unsure about the end of the program.....
I realize throughout this time,standing by him, supporting him, waiting for him to get out of the program.....I am exhausted.
I have so many issues myself, lost myself, slupped into.this needy co dependant mess of a woman whose self esteem has suffered greatly during this time.....with that I had decided to start going to AlAnon mtgs for myself.
At this point, Im wondering if this will get better. Will.I always feel.like I.can't have bad days myself? I cant have bad moods or depend.on him in any way shape or form.....just feel generally like Im not able to have a life with a person who doesnt seem.all that interested in me anymore?
I want to believe this is going to work, as long as he has this program (and.so.do.I)...
I dont usually give up.on.people....ughhh...but Im.just confused on how recovery works and whether this is considered early recovery? Or is this jyst a blip on.the radar of an alcoholic/addict??
Im an emotional mess and love this.man.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated ........
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
July 1, 2012 he emotionally disclosed to me (while drinking), that he was a recovered heroin addict. Clean and sober for 8 years.
ok let's back up to this point for a moment...if he was DRINKING he was NOT clean and sober. clean and sober means NO drugs OR alcohol, at all, ever. so he's been active and using for a while and hit the downward spiral... 3 hospital detoxes indicate a very serious condition. he wasn't just overdoing it a bit now and then, he had a death wish.
it is now all of what? six months later? in a protected insulated environment? sober enough now to start realizing just how bad it got....to barely dig into those underlying issues that found him reaching for some substance to try and make it stop, make it go away. sober enough to begin to look at the devastation his using caused.
compare it to the captain of the Titanic, or perhaps the Exxon Valdez....plowed the ship into the iceburg....or onto the rocks. one hard turn of the wheel to port might have staved off the resulting chaos and destruction. but what's done is done.
it's never about GIVING UP on them....its about making sure we do not give up on OURSELVES. on the airplane, in the event of a loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks drop...one for EACH person. if you don't grab YOURS first, you won't survive.
breathe your own air. live your own life. put you first.
ok let's back up to this point for a moment...if he was DRINKING he was NOT clean and sober. clean and sober means NO drugs OR alcohol, at all, ever. so he's been active and using for a while and hit the downward spiral... 3 hospital detoxes indicate a very serious condition. he wasn't just overdoing it a bit now and then, he had a death wish.
it is now all of what? six months later? in a protected insulated environment? sober enough now to start realizing just how bad it got....to barely dig into those underlying issues that found him reaching for some substance to try and make it stop, make it go away. sober enough to begin to look at the devastation his using caused.
compare it to the captain of the Titanic, or perhaps the Exxon Valdez....plowed the ship into the iceburg....or onto the rocks. one hard turn of the wheel to port might have staved off the resulting chaos and destruction. but what's done is done.
it's never about GIVING UP on them....its about making sure we do not give up on OURSELVES. on the airplane, in the event of a loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks drop...one for EACH person. if you don't grab YOURS first, you won't survive.
breathe your own air. live your own life. put you first.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: New York
Posts: 15
RUN ! You are not giving up , you are saving yourself . After spending 5 years with an AH it took 2 years to rediscover the person I was . I too had never been around addiction and had no clue . When I first joined this forum I read a post where someone said that alcoholics don't have relationships , they take hostages . They destroy those around them . It is not worth your sanity to go thru that !
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: NJ
Posts: 48
Thank you so much for the replies and great insight.
I need as much as I can get right now.....not.understanding this whole process; but more importantly what has happened to my sense of self and my self respect, even. I was a very confident and self assured woman; who has worked incredibly hard to overcome my own dysfunctional adversity from my own childhood.....(which I see now as not such a coincidence that I am a g'friend to an alcoholic/addict)
Please keep the responses coming. I.am open to all of it....mybeyes are open.and my ears are even.more so....
I need as much as I can get right now.....not.understanding this whole process; but more importantly what has happened to my sense of self and my self respect, even. I was a very confident and self assured woman; who has worked incredibly hard to overcome my own dysfunctional adversity from my own childhood.....(which I see now as not such a coincidence that I am a g'friend to an alcoholic/addict)
Please keep the responses coming. I.am open to all of it....mybeyes are open.and my ears are even.more so....
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Recovery is tough.
I think my advice to you is to definitely go to Al Anon, go often - work the steps and see what happens. Unless you end your co-dependent and enabling behaviors this relationship is always going to be troubled even if he remains sober.
You don't have to make any decisions right now about what to do with him and I think you understand that you are getting back a different person than you knew 6 months ago. Sobriety doesn't mean perfection. Sober people have feelings and emotions just like the rest of us. Whether or not ya'll are a match is yet to be seen and whether or not he is the kind of man you want a future with is yet to be seen as well.
I think my advice to you is to definitely go to Al Anon, go often - work the steps and see what happens. Unless you end your co-dependent and enabling behaviors this relationship is always going to be troubled even if he remains sober.
You don't have to make any decisions right now about what to do with him and I think you understand that you are getting back a different person than you knew 6 months ago. Sobriety doesn't mean perfection. Sober people have feelings and emotions just like the rest of us. Whether or not ya'll are a match is yet to be seen and whether or not he is the kind of man you want a future with is yet to be seen as well.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: NJ
Posts: 48
@redlanta
Maybe Im not versed in all of this yet...
but what am I doing that would be considered enabling and codependant? I feel I have become careful not to be these things...but what is it that I missing?
Ive done so much work on myself and would love to try and identify what these 'behaviours" look like....
Sorry if I sound naive....I just don't know?? Thx.....
Maybe Im not versed in all of this yet...
but what am I doing that would be considered enabling and codependant? I feel I have become careful not to be these things...but what is it that I missing?
Ive done so much work on myself and would love to try and identify what these 'behaviours" look like....
Sorry if I sound naive....I just don't know?? Thx.....
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
It is ALARMING that he started dating you in JANUARY 2012 but did not tell you he is a HEROIN ADDICT until JULY 2012. I used caps to bring this information out in relief.
My experience dating a recovering heroin addict: he told me on our second date. He told me he was an addict. He told me he moved from pot to alcohol to cocaine to heroin. And that he had ten years clean and sober in Cocaine Anonymous. We had dinner and conversation on our first date. Light, casual conversation. On our second date, he TOLD ME what was absolutely vital for me to know. Before I made the leap. Before any start of relationship-building had begun. Because that's what recovering heroin addicts DO when they work a program, clean and sober and accountable.
So I would be greatly concerned that this man has been conning you since the day you started seeing each other. He drinks to drunkenness, so we have issues of alcoholism plus the opiate addiction, lying, lost jobs, and have you ever checked his history on a site like peoplefinders to see what kind of police record he may have, or bankruptcy, or marriages, or lapsed child support to a child out there somewhere?
Because from the start, he has withheld critical information from you, which you needed to know, and even if he was clean and sober and active in 12 Step, if a man dated me for six months before telling me he was a heroin addict, I would feel scammed.
Your self-esteem and your health and your friendships and your family relationships: all are at risk right now.
Please consider suspending this relationship until he has two years clean and sober of all mind-altering substances. Many women cannot walk away from a man they love, even when he brings serious risk to them. So if ending things right here and now seems impossible for you, at least suspend building a relationship for two years, because he is very very messed up. It will take a year for him to fight to stay clean. It will take another year for him to handle his feelings. And if he has no counseling, believe me, he will not be ready for a mature and intimate relationship. He will disappear on you.
Very worried for you.
My experience dating a recovering heroin addict: he told me on our second date. He told me he was an addict. He told me he moved from pot to alcohol to cocaine to heroin. And that he had ten years clean and sober in Cocaine Anonymous. We had dinner and conversation on our first date. Light, casual conversation. On our second date, he TOLD ME what was absolutely vital for me to know. Before I made the leap. Before any start of relationship-building had begun. Because that's what recovering heroin addicts DO when they work a program, clean and sober and accountable.
So I would be greatly concerned that this man has been conning you since the day you started seeing each other. He drinks to drunkenness, so we have issues of alcoholism plus the opiate addiction, lying, lost jobs, and have you ever checked his history on a site like peoplefinders to see what kind of police record he may have, or bankruptcy, or marriages, or lapsed child support to a child out there somewhere?
Because from the start, he has withheld critical information from you, which you needed to know, and even if he was clean and sober and active in 12 Step, if a man dated me for six months before telling me he was a heroin addict, I would feel scammed.
Your self-esteem and your health and your friendships and your family relationships: all are at risk right now.
Please consider suspending this relationship until he has two years clean and sober of all mind-altering substances. Many women cannot walk away from a man they love, even when he brings serious risk to them. So if ending things right here and now seems impossible for you, at least suspend building a relationship for two years, because he is very very messed up. It will take a year for him to fight to stay clean. It will take another year for him to handle his feelings. And if he has no counseling, believe me, he will not be ready for a mature and intimate relationship. He will disappear on you.
Very worried for you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New York
Posts: 877
I am also very worried for you. The whole thing just sounds like a mess you'd be much better off walking away from. Easier said than done, I know.
I appreciate your question about what you have done exactly that could be labeled codependent or enabling. I have had that same question myself. I mean, you meet someone, fall in love, and before you know it, are sucked into HIS addiction. It's not like you lie for him, cover up at work, or commit any of those obvious acts of enabling. So what could you have done differently?
Codependents and Alcoholics fit together like two perfectly matched pieces of a bad puzzle. So by not working on your codependency and/or being in recovery yourself, you set yourself up in the first place to attract an addict. I'm guessing you are enabling him by overlooking the fact he never told you he was a heroin addict/alcoholic, and sticking with him through rehab. Because I am codie myself, again, I can only guess, but I'm assuming someone who was not codependent would have walked away from your situation by now, realizing it was out of her hands completely, as well as contained way too many risks to her own well being.
It all comes back to what people say hundreds of times a day on here: go to Al Anon and focus on your own recovery. If you really accept you are powerless over his monster of a problem, maybe you will want to walk away. At the least, you will be able to cope better with all the stuff that comes up in his recovery.
Best wishes to you.
I appreciate your question about what you have done exactly that could be labeled codependent or enabling. I have had that same question myself. I mean, you meet someone, fall in love, and before you know it, are sucked into HIS addiction. It's not like you lie for him, cover up at work, or commit any of those obvious acts of enabling. So what could you have done differently?
Codependents and Alcoholics fit together like two perfectly matched pieces of a bad puzzle. So by not working on your codependency and/or being in recovery yourself, you set yourself up in the first place to attract an addict. I'm guessing you are enabling him by overlooking the fact he never told you he was a heroin addict/alcoholic, and sticking with him through rehab. Because I am codie myself, again, I can only guess, but I'm assuming someone who was not codependent would have walked away from your situation by now, realizing it was out of her hands completely, as well as contained way too many risks to her own well being.
It all comes back to what people say hundreds of times a day on here: go to Al Anon and focus on your own recovery. If you really accept you are powerless over his monster of a problem, maybe you will want to walk away. At the least, you will be able to cope better with all the stuff that comes up in his recovery.
Best wishes to you.
Trudging that road.
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Seattle Wa
Posts: 6,840
I really think the best advise given on here so far has been you go to Alanon and not just one or two meetings try going to 90 meetings in 90 days. Try not to make any major decisions about anything, You need to get your head straight over all of this. I heard this story once and it seems to fit.
A turtle was crossing a heavy stream when it came upon a scorpion. The scorpion said hey Mr turtle can I ride on your back to the other side? The turtle said oh Mr. Scorpion I can't do that you will sting me with your poison. Mr Scorpion says oh no I promise I would never do that. Okay if you promise jump on. Just as they are about to get to the other side pow the scorpion stings him. As he is drawing his last breath he said you promised why did you do that. Mr Scorpion said its in my nature.
I to am a heroin addict and I haven't used in almost 9 years but when I read all you were writing I thought yep its in his nature as an addict. That is why you need to protect yourself and to also learn about the addict so you don't get stung.
Blessings.
A turtle was crossing a heavy stream when it came upon a scorpion. The scorpion said hey Mr turtle can I ride on your back to the other side? The turtle said oh Mr. Scorpion I can't do that you will sting me with your poison. Mr Scorpion says oh no I promise I would never do that. Okay if you promise jump on. Just as they are about to get to the other side pow the scorpion stings him. As he is drawing his last breath he said you promised why did you do that. Mr Scorpion said its in my nature.
I to am a heroin addict and I haven't used in almost 9 years but when I read all you were writing I thought yep its in his nature as an addict. That is why you need to protect yourself and to also learn about the addict so you don't get stung.
Blessings.
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
Carry on with YOUR life.
Support YOU not him.
Heroin Addiction is an absolute nightmare.
It's for you to make a decision, it's important for YOU to be HAPPY with what is going on. You don't sound it.
You don,t give up on people, he'll give up on you in a split second.
Support YOU not him.
Heroin Addiction is an absolute nightmare.
It's for you to make a decision, it's important for YOU to be HAPPY with what is going on. You don't sound it.
You don,t give up on people, he'll give up on you in a split second.
Originally Posted by workingonme11 
Hi there. Im new to this site and posted something a few wks ago, but but no responses in another Forum. It was sugessted I post here too for more feedback.
Last January I started to date a guy who I've known since I was in grade school. We lost touch over quite a few years and reconnected through Facebook. Started to date seriously last January 2012.
July 1, 2012 he emotionally disclosed to me (while drinking), that he was a recovered heroin addict. Clean and sober for 8 years.
Me not really understanding the disease of addiction; I was assuming he was having just a bad couple of weeks leading up to him telling me this.... being MIA frequently, erratic behavior, emotional.... just all around seemingly tortured.
I was never a big drinker at all so during Jan-July 2012 we would go out often, never have any issues or discussions about alcohol. He would usually get water or diet coke, Id get a coke. It was just a non-issue (or so I thought)
Anyway, very very quickly him 'just having a hard time' turned into 3-5 pints of vodka a day, losing his job, etc.....Because we were in a long distance relationship (an hour or so away from each other); I wasnt even aware how bad things were getting esp. since I never really saw him drunk and certain shady events would transpire (general MIA stuff, moody/mean etc)...
So after the entire month of July and half of August and 3 hospital detoxes...He decided to enter a 6 month rehab program and sober living facility at the Salvation Army.....
He has been.incredibly committed and will be graduating the program this week.
Over the last 6-9 wks, Ive noticed him becoming more moody, agitated, beligerent 'dry drunk' stuff. Sporadic communication/texts, generally seems like Im just a bother to him. Hasnt been treating me well at all.
After we speak about it, he feels remorseful and acknowledges his guilt and shame in having a hard time with being scared and unsure about the end of the program.....
I realize throughout this time,standing by him, supporting him, waiting for him to get out of the program.....I am exhausted.
I have so many issues myself, lost myself, slupped into.this needy co dependant mess of a woman whose self esteem has suffered greatly during this time.....with that I had decided to start going to AlAnon mtgs for myself.
At this point, Im wondering if this will get better. Will.I always feel.like I.can't have bad days myself? I cant have bad moods or depend.on him in any way shape or form.....just feel generally like Im not able to have a life with a person who doesnt seem.all that interested in me anymore?
I want to believe this is going to work, as long as he has this program (and.so.do.I)...
I dont usually give up.on.people....ughhh...but Im.just confused on how recovery works and whether this is considered early recovery? Or is this jyst a blip on.the radar of an alcoholic/addict??
Im an emotional mess and love this.man.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated ........
Last January I started to date a guy who I've known since I was in grade school. We lost touch over quite a few years and reconnected through Facebook. Started to date seriously last January 2012.
July 1, 2012 he emotionally disclosed to me (while drinking), that he was a recovered heroin addict. Clean and sober for 8 years.
Me not really understanding the disease of addiction; I was assuming he was having just a bad couple of weeks leading up to him telling me this.... being MIA frequently, erratic behavior, emotional.... just all around seemingly tortured.
I was never a big drinker at all so during Jan-July 2012 we would go out often, never have any issues or discussions about alcohol. He would usually get water or diet coke, Id get a coke. It was just a non-issue (or so I thought)
Anyway, very very quickly him 'just having a hard time' turned into 3-5 pints of vodka a day, losing his job, etc.....Because we were in a long distance relationship (an hour or so away from each other); I wasnt even aware how bad things were getting esp. since I never really saw him drunk and certain shady events would transpire (general MIA stuff, moody/mean etc)...
So after the entire month of July and half of August and 3 hospital detoxes...He decided to enter a 6 month rehab program and sober living facility at the Salvation Army.....
He has been.incredibly committed and will be graduating the program this week.
Over the last 6-9 wks, Ive noticed him becoming more moody, agitated, beligerent 'dry drunk' stuff. Sporadic communication/texts, generally seems like Im just a bother to him. Hasnt been treating me well at all.
After we speak about it, he feels remorseful and acknowledges his guilt and shame in having a hard time with being scared and unsure about the end of the program.....
I realize throughout this time,standing by him, supporting him, waiting for him to get out of the program.....I am exhausted.
I have so many issues myself, lost myself, slupped into.this needy co dependant mess of a woman whose self esteem has suffered greatly during this time.....with that I had decided to start going to AlAnon mtgs for myself.
At this point, Im wondering if this will get better. Will.I always feel.like I.can't have bad days myself? I cant have bad moods or depend.on him in any way shape or form.....just feel generally like Im not able to have a life with a person who doesnt seem.all that interested in me anymore?
I want to believe this is going to work, as long as he has this program (and.so.do.I)...
I dont usually give up.on.people....ughhh...but Im.just confused on how recovery works and whether this is considered early recovery? Or is this jyst a blip on.the radar of an alcoholic/addict??
Im an emotional mess and love this.man.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated ........
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
Read Co-Dependent No More by Melody Beattie.
Originally Posted by workingonme11
@redlanta
Maybe Im not versed in all of this yet...
but what am I doing that would be considered enabling and codependant? I feel I have become careful not to be these things...but what is it that I missing?
Ive done so much work on myself and would love to try and identify what these 'behaviours" look like....
Sorry if I sound naive....I just don't know?? Thx.....
Maybe Im not versed in all of this yet...
but what am I doing that would be considered enabling and codependant? I feel I have become careful not to be these things...but what is it that I missing?
Ive done so much work on myself and would love to try and identify what these 'behaviours" look like....
Sorry if I sound naive....I just don't know?? Thx.....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: NJ
Posts: 48
WOW. Just W.O.W.....
I feel blessed to have waken up to these responses and feel thankful that I reached out.
All of you have spoken to me in many specific ways; thank you...
Well.....ughhh......here goes another big deal that I am embarrassed to admit but;
"Does he have a criminal history etc." HERE GOES NOTHING....
Well, he also disclosed to me that same night in July that he and his exwife (who also is a recovering heroin addict) had lost custody of their now 9 yr old daughter when she was about 18mo. As it stands now; both grandparents share custody with both he and his exwife. Why did they lose custody, you ask?
Apparently, at the height of their heroin use; they had a scheduled supervised visit with the exwifes parents.... (now that I think of it...Im not even sure what the circumstances are surrounding why they had supervised visits in the 1st place
)
Anyway, they apparently :"planned" all this in advance where they took their daughter (18mo) from NJ to TX, got arrested when she was caught robbing a store in TX and after a multi-state search. Eventually both went to prison for kidnapping their own daughter; which was downgraded to contempt of court. Now they are both off of probation stemming from the incident. Currently, the daughter lives with his exwife in NYC and he sees her every wknd.
SIDE NOTE: BFs mother is a serious enabler, for sure, as she would buy him things specifically and with the full knowledge that he would sell/barter them for alcohol last year. I started to notice a pattern that when he sees his parents, specifically his mom; he would become distant from me. His mom is numero uno. She "needs" him for everything and he happily obliges. Some members in my AlAnon group say that he gravitates towards her because she is the "Chief Enabler" and will pretty much give him everything he wants and he knows that. (side note: BF dad was a raging alcoholic and it is NEVER talked about. He just quit drinking after a 2nd DUI about 15yrs ago, but never did a program, counseling, 12 step or anything..he just broods about the house and uses silence and anger to control his surroundings and people in the family...ughh) His mother just acts like "everything is okay. everything is perfect. wonderful. everyone is fine."
I feel blessed to have waken up to these responses and feel thankful that I reached out.
All of you have spoken to me in many specific ways; thank you...
Well.....ughhh......here goes another big deal that I am embarrassed to admit but;
"Does he have a criminal history etc." HERE GOES NOTHING....
Well, he also disclosed to me that same night in July that he and his exwife (who also is a recovering heroin addict) had lost custody of their now 9 yr old daughter when she was about 18mo. As it stands now; both grandparents share custody with both he and his exwife. Why did they lose custody, you ask?
Apparently, at the height of their heroin use; they had a scheduled supervised visit with the exwifes parents.... (now that I think of it...Im not even sure what the circumstances are surrounding why they had supervised visits in the 1st place
) Anyway, they apparently :"planned" all this in advance where they took their daughter (18mo) from NJ to TX, got arrested when she was caught robbing a store in TX and after a multi-state search. Eventually both went to prison for kidnapping their own daughter; which was downgraded to contempt of court. Now they are both off of probation stemming from the incident. Currently, the daughter lives with his exwife in NYC and he sees her every wknd.
SIDE NOTE: BFs mother is a serious enabler, for sure, as she would buy him things specifically and with the full knowledge that he would sell/barter them for alcohol last year. I started to notice a pattern that when he sees his parents, specifically his mom; he would become distant from me. His mom is numero uno. She "needs" him for everything and he happily obliges. Some members in my AlAnon group say that he gravitates towards her because she is the "Chief Enabler" and will pretty much give him everything he wants and he knows that. (side note: BF dad was a raging alcoholic and it is NEVER talked about. He just quit drinking after a 2nd DUI about 15yrs ago, but never did a program, counseling, 12 step or anything..he just broods about the house and uses silence and anger to control his surroundings and people in the family...ughh) His mother just acts like "everything is okay. everything is perfect. wonderful. everyone is fine."
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 585
I would try to not think about it as giving up on him or walking away from him, but rather giving yourself a chance and walking *toward* you. For those of us involved in relationships with active addicts, we lose a part of ourselves somewhere along the way. It's easier to focus on them and help them than it is to focus on ourselves (although nothing about being involved with an addict is easy!).
Like many significant others of addicts, I naturally gravitate toward taking care of others. I have had to learn to take better care of myself and to focus on me. The addicts need to work on their own recovery and we need to work on ours.
My best advice would be for you to focus on you. Do what feels right, do what feels good, do what makes you happy. Seek out support and help. There's lots of information out there on the web for loved ones of addicts - this forum, Al Anon, Smart Recovery. Google is your friend - I did a quick search for "support for loved ones of addicts" and came across a wealth of information. This came up as the second hit (and SR gets a shout out there, too!). If you want to understand the science/biology of addiction better, I highly recommend watching Pleasure Unwoven (available in full on YouTube). Most of all, know that you're not alone in your struggles. There are many here who understand your pain and frustration.
Sending you strength, hope, and hugs.
Like many significant others of addicts, I naturally gravitate toward taking care of others. I have had to learn to take better care of myself and to focus on me. The addicts need to work on their own recovery and we need to work on ours.
My best advice would be for you to focus on you. Do what feels right, do what feels good, do what makes you happy. Seek out support and help. There's lots of information out there on the web for loved ones of addicts - this forum, Al Anon, Smart Recovery. Google is your friend - I did a quick search for "support for loved ones of addicts" and came across a wealth of information. This came up as the second hit (and SR gets a shout out there, too!). If you want to understand the science/biology of addiction better, I highly recommend watching Pleasure Unwoven (available in full on YouTube). Most of all, know that you're not alone in your struggles. There are many here who understand your pain and frustration.
Sending you strength, hope, and hugs.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: NJ
Posts: 48
FYI: He had graduated the Adult Rehab program last week. He is now still residing at the Salvation Army, after they offered him a salaried position with benefits. So he has gone from a beneficiary of the program to an employee of the agency. So, although it's good that he is still in a sober environment; someone said before....he is in an isolated, protected environment...so.....obviously I see the downside to that.
Also....he is still surrounded by addicts and alcoholics every single minute of the day. Isn't it imperative in recovery to surround yourself with healthy individuals? Hmmm....this thread is certainly getting me to really think with way more insight than ever before
Also....he is still surrounded by addicts and alcoholics every single minute of the day. Isn't it imperative in recovery to surround yourself with healthy individuals? Hmmm....this thread is certainly getting me to really think with way more insight than ever before
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Actually, no--it is imperative to surround yourself with other alcoholics and addicts IN RECOVERY.
But my suggestion is to put your worries about his recovery program to the side for now, get some distance, and get focused on your own recovery. You haven't known him that long, you and he both had years and years being just fine without him in your life, you meet up, he is less than honest with you from the get-go, and goes into major relapse mode. I'm not quite sure what you think you want out of this relationship, but he clearly is not in a position to give it to you right now, and for all you know at the moment may never be in a position to give it to you. That's not to mention the family drama that will probably follow him for the next however many years.
Focus on yourself and what YOU want and deserve in life, and ask yourself whether this relationship is likely to give you that.
But my suggestion is to put your worries about his recovery program to the side for now, get some distance, and get focused on your own recovery. You haven't known him that long, you and he both had years and years being just fine without him in your life, you meet up, he is less than honest with you from the get-go, and goes into major relapse mode. I'm not quite sure what you think you want out of this relationship, but he clearly is not in a position to give it to you right now, and for all you know at the moment may never be in a position to give it to you. That's not to mention the family drama that will probably follow him for the next however many years.
Focus on yourself and what YOU want and deserve in life, and ask yourself whether this relationship is likely to give you that.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
I'm having trouble figuring out what you see in this relationship. When you close your eyes and think about what you want in this life for YOU, does this relationship describe that???
Addiction is a contagious disease. Those of us who become involved with an active addict become just as sick as they are. We behave in ways we wouldn't normally. We stop taking care of ourselves and put all our focus on the addict. We get to a point where we don't even recognize ourselves anymore. We stress, get headaches, nausea, trouble sleeping, etc.
You're only a year into this relationship. And he has a loooooong road ahead of him. You can't worry about his recovery, that's his business. You can only focus on your own recovery. I would say, honestly, run for the hills on this one. You don't want to take this on for the rest of your life, trust me. Stay with AlAnon and live your best life. Big hugs to you.
Addiction is a contagious disease. Those of us who become involved with an active addict become just as sick as they are. We behave in ways we wouldn't normally. We stop taking care of ourselves and put all our focus on the addict. We get to a point where we don't even recognize ourselves anymore. We stress, get headaches, nausea, trouble sleeping, etc.
You're only a year into this relationship. And he has a loooooong road ahead of him. You can't worry about his recovery, that's his business. You can only focus on your own recovery. I would say, honestly, run for the hills on this one. You don't want to take this on for the rest of your life, trust me. Stay with AlAnon and live your best life. Big hugs to you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: NJ
Posts: 48
Thank you for all your replies. Struggling right now. Lots of information over the past few days.
I am..... Angry. Disgusted. Motivated. Heartbroken. Sick. Resentful. Confused. Dysfunctional. Shameful. Embarrassed. Distraught.
I am realizing that I am in waaayyy over my head and I realize that I feel like I am drowning in his sickness. His illness has taken over my life, too.
And I didn't even realize it.
Sooooo.....WHY AM I FEELING LIKE I AM BEING UNREASONABLE, UNFAIR, I'M JUST NOT GIVING HIM A CHANCE....
I mean...we can all change right?????
Feeling so dejected......
I am..... Angry. Disgusted. Motivated. Heartbroken. Sick. Resentful. Confused. Dysfunctional. Shameful. Embarrassed. Distraught.
I am realizing that I am in waaayyy over my head and I realize that I feel like I am drowning in his sickness. His illness has taken over my life, too.
And I didn't even realize it.
Sooooo.....WHY AM I FEELING LIKE I AM BEING UNREASONABLE, UNFAIR, I'M JUST NOT GIVING HIM A CHANCE....
I mean...we can all change right?????
Feeling so dejected......
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
