Yo Mr. C.
Sorry to hear you are going thru such hardship. I can appreciate some of your pain, as my story is similar to yours.
My darling wife asked to move out just a few weeks ago after 19yrs of marriage. We had a wonderful relationship for most of those years. Many years of pain pills and other serious meds slowly changed her and she is now a different person. We shared all kinds of good times and bad times. We started with nothing and built several small businesses over the years, and now share a small, but beautiful home. All of which is going to disappear in the next few weeks as we divorce.
As you have done your best for your wife, I did the best for mine. My life has always been devoted to being _different_ from my biological parents. As long as I feel that I am responsible, dependable, righteous and honest I know I have not become what my parents were.
My problem is that I use _external_ opinions to judge whether I am a good man. It is thru the program of Al-Anon that I am learning to use my own common sense to judge myself.
I am baffled by my wife's behavior, I do not understand why she is giving up 19yrs without so much as an "excuse me". I have learned in Al-Anon that I need to give her the respect to make her own choices in life, regardless of what I may think of those choices. Any thing else would be condescending to her.
Understanding "why" is not going to solve my problems. "Why" is not going to bring her back, or save me from the financial mess I am currently in. "Why" is not going to fix my health, or find me a place to work and live after we sell the house. "Why" is not going to stop the pain.
What will stop the pain is to take _action_. Get yourself to an Al-Anon meeting, there's tons of them all over OC. Share a little of your pain. They will give you phone numbers to call. Call those numbers, talk to at least one person over the phone every day. It's what I'm doing and it has made a huge difference in my emotions and ability to function.
The longer you look at what _she_ is doing, the longer you will stay in pain. I know this because it is what I do. Look at what _you_ are doing and the pain will quickly reduce and allow you to live properly and figure out what to do with your life. You are correct in that work keeps your mind busy, but you need to keep it busy after work. Al-Anon is a great way to do that. You can volunteer at the Al-Anon central office, you can show up early at the meetings to set up, and stay late to take down. You can meet other Al-Anons for lunch, and for dinner before the meeting, and for dessert after the meeting.
Fill your mind with positive action and the pain will clear so that you can make rational decisions. It is what I am doing and it works good for me.
Whadya think?
Mike :-)