Welcome to SR. Yes, I can totally relate to every word of your post and want you to know you're not alone. There are many here who understand.
Getting sober will give you the clarity of thought you need to begin to see the reality of your past. I'm 9 months sober, and feeling stronger in so many ways. My life and relationships have improved in a way I never thought possible. I'm now ready to start dealing with the past, to move forward and grow into the person I deserve to be.
It starts with getting sober and maintaining that.
My very best wishes to you xxx