Hi and welcome WatsAllThisThen
You'll find a ton of understanding and encouragement here
I think a lot of us have suffered some kind of childhood trauma, and that alcohol and other drugs have been our maladaptive attempts to deal with the ripples from those events.
It was certainly the case with me.
I had to deal with that trauma every bit as much as I needed to deal with the more obvious problem of my alcoholism.
Have you seen a counsellor about this at all?
D