Dear M-Girl,
I only joined this forum yesterday - you are my first post in response. THere is so much good stuff on this site and this forum - people are amazing.
Though alcohol and chain smoking constitute my numbing combo of choice, I'm also aware that I use sex as a way of numbing pain; it definitely provides a quick fix of pleasure (well...depends on who you're with...sometimes not so quick). And, like you, it comes from being raised in an atmosphere of UBER conditional love - at best - and with cold, indifferent parents at worst (which is not so heinous as being sexually abused, as some are, but still, it does lodge in a child's brain as being worthless).
So my pattern has been to get extremely inebriated (binge drink 12 beers in a night...and that's CANADIAN beer - strong stuff) and then have sex...because I thought that sex was love. I LOVED the contact of being that close to a man - to another human - because I craved recognition - I just wanted to be SEEN. To get approval from another person, rather than understanding I'm the only approval I need. Even as an addict, I have to remember to tell myself that I am A-#1.
Boggles my mind the unrealistic standards women are asked to live up to - starting at such an early age. I am very tired of magazines and hollywood and the media practically scream at us that we're not thin/pretty/sexy enough, and equally pissed at myself that i fall for it. (I am a size 12 and consider myself enormous.) but it started at an early age; when i was 12 I asked my mom once if I was okay to look at and she said "well, you're different." sheesh! from then on i wanted the attention of boys; never mind that i've got a smart head on my shoulders, a wicked sense of humour, and an unconditionally loving heart (that I was born with...it's still in there somewhere); all i could think about was getting the approval of others - especially men. this is a losing game.
i am still uncomfortable in my own skin and i'm having my difficulties with hardcore binge drinking (one day sober!), but i can tell you that those flutters of clarity that you mentioned - i get those too...and i am learning to stop everything when they come and to concentrate on them for a while. hopefully one day they'll be with me constantly.
i am learning to love myself - I hope you'll join me do the same; it's a winning game, i think.
i wish you the best!
kathryn