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Anyone here in SAA?

Old 11-29-2004, 01:52 PM
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Unhappy Anyone here in SAA?

I am wondering if anyone else here is struggling with this addiction, and if so, how they are doing. I had 3 years sobriety 2 years ago, then fell "off the wagon" when I separated from my husband. Sobriety is different for me now than it was when I was married. During my marriage sobriety was staying faithful to my husband. Now it is so much more difficult to figure out how to live as a sexually healthy person. I've committed to myself and my sponsor that I'm going to be celibate for six months but I'm a month into it and I feel invisible, lonely, sad, bored and hopeless. I've had to change my whole personality, my way of interacting with people (men), my whole life. Anyone with some words of wisdom?
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Old 11-29-2004, 02:17 PM
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(((((Minneappolisgirl)))))

Welcome to sober recovery.

All I know is that a persons sex life does not have to define who they are. There is real freedom in being celebate. If you do not know who you are without a sex partner how can you know yourself at all? Another person cannot fill us or make us whole.....
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Old 11-29-2004, 05:08 PM
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((((Minneapolisgrrl))) In my opinion an addiction is an addiction is an addiction. Just like a drug is a drug is a drug. I hope you will find some friendship, comfort, hope and help here. Somehow we always manage to help each other out no matter what the issue. You are not alone!

jojo
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Old 11-29-2004, 06:30 PM
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I am in SLAA (Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous) in Boston for a month now, and have been finding sobriety to be very hard. I know I have to stick with it. I cannot got back to my old ways of lying, and cheating. I am finally growing up at age 50+ - it's almost a relief to be sober.

I find myself drifting into fantasy frequently, longing for somebody to cuddle with , to make love with. I even went to a porn site the other day, first time in a month. Such "slips" are to be expected, I think.

Don't beat yourself up if you find yourself drifting into fantasy, or whatever your bottom-line behaviors are. You need to build yourself up now, not tear yourself down.

Being sexually sober is really important. I have not been as successful as I want. It's really hard for me to totally burn my bridges, to leave all my bad habits behind, and become the person I want to be. I know if I stick with it long enough, the reward will truly be worth it.

Hang in there!

Mark
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Old 11-29-2004, 06:54 PM
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((((Mark))))

Just read your post - and it brought back something my Dad said to me a long time ago. He said I was not in love with my husband but rather in love with being in love. Fantasy plays a huge role in my life and didnt realise that perhaps I am fueling just further addictive behaviour. This site continues to be a revealation to me. Eyes opening wider and wider......

Think I will have to work this one out. HALT (Hungry Angry LONELY Tired)!!!! Time to get better - for all of us too. Luvs and Gentle Recovery to All Luvs Ama
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Old 11-29-2004, 07:16 PM
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The emotional dynamic around sex addiction is complex. Try to keep yourself busy - volunteer for 2 or 3 local charities! Study piano! Learn Japanese! Get outside your own head & find activities that keep you busy so the lack of a relationship does not bother you. It is really important to do this, in my opinion. It takes time to resolve the addiction behaviors.

Trying affirmations is important. Telling yourself that you love the new you is good - but keep it simple, make sure that you believe the affirmation,a nd do it on going to sleep & waking up. There are some good affirmation sites online - I'll send you a link if you want one.

Calling it sex addiction is a bit of a misnomer - it's through sex that we act out our real problems. In my case, its "abandonment" - feeling that I have to be in a relationship or I am not valued - then screwing things up and cheating or hurting somebody because I can't be happy in the relationship!

If any of this rings a bell - you know what I'm talking about.

I feel lonely, too. You need to build yourself up, to feel like a happy, whole person as best you can, so that you are secure in yourself, and comfortable with the new life you have chosen.

Don't quit, don't give up - keep working on sexual sobriety. I wish you the best.

Mark
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Old 11-29-2004, 07:19 PM
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relaxing...

get some rest! and try to limit those fantasies -

telling yourself STOP!

relax.....

let it go.....

might help

good luck!

Mark
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Old 11-29-2004, 07:34 PM
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Self affirmation sounds good for us all! I am lucky that I have a wonderful man who loves me - He lives West Coast US - I in Ireland :-( but has to be that way due to work committments and others too - but he has helped me so very much as his love is unconditional whereas that of my husbands was not! He tells me every single day but it is hard getting it! Not used to it after 20 years in an abusive marriage where so much hurt and pain abounded - my ex Bless Him was not a happy man and capable of giving and an alcoholic with many problems himself that he brought to our marriage - a Mother who never loved him being one. Stayed in that destructiveness as I feared being alone so very much. Daft!!! Co-dependance......I used to think that meant doing drugs and drink - only recently have I had it explained to me but it is addictive behaviour I do know.

I know I am lucky in many ways but still get attacked with loneliness and feelings of self worthlessness. Dont feel I deserve good things and do the self sabbotage stuff like drink when it is killing me. I know it is the insanity of addiction and know I need to work on this everyday. I also wish good things and sobriety for you! Keep getting better a day at a time.....Luvs Ama
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Old 11-30-2004, 06:43 AM
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Sometimes I just collapse on my couch crying because actually feeling pain is so new to me. I've always tried to avoid feeling by getting involved in numerous affairs with men who, for whatever reason, were unavailable to me emotionally. And the more I tried to get them to "love" me, the more empty I felt. The more I tried to become what I thought they wanted, the less I knew who I was anymore. I was so afraid to be alone because I knew I would have to face years and years of pain and childhood memories of sexual and emotional abuse. I've been running away for so many years from myself...Waking up alone, going to bed alone, being alone in my house-all so new to me. Not trusting that I am worthy because there is no one there to tell me so. Not feeling lovable or beautiful because there is no one there to shower compliments on me. I know that sounds selfish and vain, but actually it comes from a place deep down inside where I was taught that my only worth was how I looked. And all these years, being a staunch feminist, I was always so ashamed and would deny to myself that deep down that was a core belief drilled into me by my parents. Growing up in this culture doesn't help - this youth-obsessed, body-conscious culture that emphasizes appearance over content. Sex and love addiction is a progressive disease, just like any other addiction. My affairs went from being a couple months long to a few weeks or dates and my behaviour got more and more self-destructive just to get someone to love me and save me from myself. I've spent tons of money on airline tickets, clothes, gifts - I've allowed men to hit me, I even had unprotected sex. The behaviour took on a life of its own and I contemplated suicide so many times. I just couldn't stop. I wasn't paying attention to any of the important things in my life. For the first time in my life, ever, I am facing pain head-on. I am not running away. I'd like to say that I feel brave, but I'm just scared. I feel so ill-equipped to handle these emotions. So I just sit still and let the pain just roll over me and try not to do anything-try to stay in the moment-because the more I try to push it away, or cover it up or deny it, the more it grows. I just need to take it like medicine-it's really icky but it will make you feel better...right?
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Old 11-30-2004, 07:17 AM
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As an addict I see the disease manifest in all areas of my life.

Before I got clean I just thought the drugs were the source of the problems.

Through step work, sponsorship, and meetings, I've learned that my real problem is an obsessive compulsive reaction to the misguided idea that I can somehow fill the emptiness inside. First the thought..the obsession. Unless I recognize quickly that the returning fixed thought of obtaining a substance, job, money, sex, or ______ ( fill in the blank) is the beginning I can get consumed by it. (To me this is the beginnig of the relapse process) Unarrested at this point, eventually I will begin to act out on the obsession. ( the next stage of relapse) The first time I act out puts me on the edge of full blown relapse. Now the compulsiveness has a physical maifestation to latch itself to, and I will be in danger of repeating the action or behaviour until I am caught up in the slavery of active addiction.

The exact nature of all my wrongs is misplacement of my faith. If I immediatley turn over my dilemma to my higher pwoer and seek the next right thing, the disease process is arrested and serenity returns.

From my own experience, and from sharing with others it seems that even after ceasing the compulsive behaviour, then learning not to initially act on that fixed thought, the obsessive process can plague us for decades.

I struggle with the thought process on a regular basis. The greatest relief from acting out compulsively comes from vigilently maintaining my recovery process through .... step work, sponsorship, and meetings.

Every day I live a quasi victory over the disease by merely not acting out. Some days I experience the real nature of recovery through the relief of the obsessive thoughts.
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Old 11-30-2004, 07:34 AM
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Originally Posted by Gooch
Every day I live a quasi victory over the disease by merely not acting out.
This is so true. Some days it is easier than others. But if I can go to sleep knowing I fought against acting out, that's one more day of sobriety.
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Old 11-30-2004, 10:05 AM
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Like others who have responded here, I believe that addiction is addiction, whatever the behavior or substance involved. So many of us are addicted, sometimes seriously, to several different things. The nice thing is that what works for one usually gives us a clue as to what will work for the others, as long as we're completely honest with ourselves. For me it's been the 12 steps, but for you it might be something else. You'll find your way, I'm sure.
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Old 11-30-2004, 01:41 PM
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Hi all,
Mark, could you please send me the link to those?

I too am identifying addictive behaviors in other areas of my life as just that for the first time. Less SA than before, probably because I just got out of quite the doozy of a relationshit (haha, typo I left in). Maybe that's sort of the "oh, I'm never doing that again like when you get sick from drinking" though, I don't know. But I know I reeeeally have a problem with compulsive spending-like an addiction. Do they have such a thing for that? Any info would be greatly appreciated.

4 days sober by the way
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Old 11-30-2004, 06:36 PM
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RE: affirmation sites/URL's -

remember to keep affirmations in the PRESENT TENSE, keep it simple, and keep it personal (i.e. - make it up yourself). It's a form of neuro-linguistic programming, - making a new reality for yoruself, and leaving the old ways behind as best you can. Expect it to take up to 3 weeks before your subconscious begins to accept the new ways of thought. Here are a few links:

http://www.coping.org/growth/affirm.htm

http://www.salemctr.com/newage/center4.html

http://www.mjbovo.com/Affirmations.htm
(PLEASE NOTE: really annoying midi piano in the background - I suggest you mute your speakers before hitting this site)

I will try to find my old favorites & post them as well.

Remember - you create your own reality! Be positive, be patient - true change takes time. I gotta get some rest. Peace.

Mark
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Old 11-30-2004, 06:38 PM
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OMG - relationshit!!! I'm really LMAO!!!

That's a good one!!!!
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Old 11-30-2004, 06:52 PM
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minneapolisgrrl - you wrote:

"I've been running away for so many years from myself...Waking up alone, going to bed alone, being alone in my house-all so new to me. Not trusting that I am worthy because there is no one there to tell me so. Not feeling lovable or beautiful because there is no one there to shower compliments on me."

I love you - and wish I could give you a big hug for all your hard work trying to gain true perpective & become the person you want to be. Bless you!

I live alone as well, which is difficult, given my abandonment issues - and I have recently driven away a good woman because of my sex & love addiction - it got me to go to Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous, and the withdrawal is tough, but much better than living a lie! I need to finally learn who I am, and to try to love (myself and others) without lying or cheating, as I did in the past.

Making peace with yourself is hard. You MUST learn to forgive yourself, and learn to truly love yourself. The many horrible things addicts (esp love addicts) do is tied to childish origins.

A child is just that - immature, and using whatever coping mechanisms are available - and we (read: me) tend to use these coping, "guick fix" pleasure hits to self-medicate. Becasuse of this, I suggest you not bathe in pain, it may be feeding the negative self-image you have clung to. Try to feel some healthy pleasure.

Beating addiction is REALLY HARD!!! I repeat: Beating addiction is REALLY HARD!!!

But you need to stop (or lessen) the pain, by giving yourself some rest at times.

It reminds me of the old zen tale:

A martial arts student went to his teacher and said earnestly, "I am devoted to studying your system. How long will it take me to master it." The teacher's reply was casual, "Ten years." Impatiently, the student answered, "But I want to master it faster than that. I will work very hard. I will practice everyday, ten or more hours a day if I have to. How long will it take then?" The teacher thought for a moment, "20 years."

found at this site:
http://www.utah.edu/stc/tai-chi/stories.html#17

The basis is this - if you try too hard, if you single-mindedly push for one goal, you will not be open to the enlightenment gained by "stopping to smell the roses". Sorry to mix cultural metaphors, but --- you get the idea.

This morning I was singing to myself, "I love me, I love myself, I accept love from anybody else!"

It seemed to help.

With love,

Mark
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Old 11-30-2004, 07:03 PM
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((((Mark)))) Thanks.

I am like that zen student. I try so hard and somehow it takes me longer.

I suspect that we ALL have these issues to some degree or another. Addictions can manifest and act out in so many ways. I have long believed that the very root of my problems is a lack of self-love. I don't care how pretty I am or how smart I am or how much you ( a man ) tell me I am all of these things, if I don't love myself it means nothing.

Thanks, all, for creating this dialogue. It helps me to be more aware.

hugs,

jojo
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Old 12-01-2004, 07:17 AM
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Originally Posted by jojoZ
Addictions can manifest and act out in so many ways. I have long believed that the very root of my problems is a lack of self-love. I don't care how pretty I am or how smart I am or how much you ( a man ) tell me I am all of these things, if I don't love myself it means nothing.
This is so very very true indeed! I listen to all these positive reinforcements from others but the self-love is for me self-loathing beyond belief. Much work to do on this but it is great to explore this in this thread. Seems that much addiction is based in lack of self-love aka self - loathing.....

Much to ponder indeed - and I will.....I think the Steps give us tools to rebuild self love and self esteem. I know of one man who gets up everymorning and goes to the mirror and gives himself a big hug and says I love you. We need to learn to love ourselves - this man does now love himself and is a great guy with loads of sobriety - he is a howl actually and makes me laugh alot. Speaks volumes but we must listen.....Luvs Ama
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Old 12-01-2004, 07:33 AM
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Sometimes I feel clarity coming on. It's so elusive-It's like I feel it flutter by me but if I turn to look at head-on, it slips away again. I want to hang on to that feeling of wellness, that feeling of complete-ness. I want to be in the moment. But then memories come back, filtering through the holes created by my lack of acting out. Memories of my mother, when I became dangerously thin (anorexic) as a teenager, instead of getting me to a doctor, trying to find me a modeling agent. (wha???) Memories of my father, telling me over and over again that no one would love me if I was fat. Learning from them that my only worth was my body and the way I looked. Not my brain, not my talents...and as a little girl I learned that I could trade my body for love and acceptance and I would be taken care of.
It makes me so sad/mad/disgusted that their love for me was so conditional. I was good to them only if I reflected them well. It was all about appearances.
That must be why it seems I go from relationship to relationship and still end up wanting, needing, never satisfied. That no matter how much someone would tell me they loved me, it was never enough. And when I was dumped, it truly was the end of the world for me. I couldn't eat, sleep, think, even breathe.
Now my parents are very old and fragile. There is no way they could even begin to understand the pent-up anger I have. It is my duty as their daughter to accept and let go. They need me to love them unconditionally even though they could not do that for me.
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Old 12-01-2004, 10:00 AM
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Dear M-Girl,

I only joined this forum yesterday - you are my first post in response. THere is so much good stuff on this site and this forum - people are amazing.

Though alcohol and chain smoking constitute my numbing combo of choice, I'm also aware that I use sex as a way of numbing pain; it definitely provides a quick fix of pleasure (well...depends on who you're with...sometimes not so quick). And, like you, it comes from being raised in an atmosphere of UBER conditional love - at best - and with cold, indifferent parents at worst (which is not so heinous as being sexually abused, as some are, but still, it does lodge in a child's brain as being worthless).

So my pattern has been to get extremely inebriated (binge drink 12 beers in a night...and that's CANADIAN beer - strong stuff) and then have sex...because I thought that sex was love. I LOVED the contact of being that close to a man - to another human - because I craved recognition - I just wanted to be SEEN. To get approval from another person, rather than understanding I'm the only approval I need. Even as an addict, I have to remember to tell myself that I am A-#1.

Boggles my mind the unrealistic standards women are asked to live up to - starting at such an early age. I am very tired of magazines and hollywood and the media practically scream at us that we're not thin/pretty/sexy enough, and equally pissed at myself that i fall for it. (I am a size 12 and consider myself enormous.) but it started at an early age; when i was 12 I asked my mom once if I was okay to look at and she said "well, you're different." sheesh! from then on i wanted the attention of boys; never mind that i've got a smart head on my shoulders, a wicked sense of humour, and an unconditionally loving heart (that I was born with...it's still in there somewhere); all i could think about was getting the approval of others - especially men. this is a losing game.

i am still uncomfortable in my own skin and i'm having my difficulties with hardcore binge drinking (one day sober!), but i can tell you that those flutters of clarity that you mentioned - i get those too...and i am learning to stop everything when they come and to concentrate on them for a while. hopefully one day they'll be with me constantly.

i am learning to love myself - I hope you'll join me do the same; it's a winning game, i think.

i wish you the best!

kathryn
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