Sometimes I feel clarity coming on. It's so elusive-It's like I feel it flutter by me but if I turn to look at head-on, it slips away again. I want to hang on to that feeling of wellness, that feeling of complete-ness. I want to be in the moment. But then memories come back, filtering through the holes created by my lack of acting out. Memories of my mother, when I became dangerously thin (anorexic) as a teenager, instead of getting me to a doctor, trying to find me a modeling agent. (wha???) Memories of my father, telling me over and over again that no one would love me if I was fat. Learning from them that my only worth was my body and the way I looked. Not my brain, not my talents...and as a little girl I learned that I could trade my body for love and acceptance and I would be taken care of.
It makes me so sad/mad/disgusted that their love for me was so conditional. I was good to them only if I reflected them well. It was all about appearances.
That must be why it seems I go from relationship to relationship and still end up wanting, needing, never satisfied. That no matter how much someone would tell me they loved me, it was never enough. And when I was dumped, it truly was the end of the world for me. I couldn't eat, sleep, think, even breathe.
Now my parents are very old and fragile. There is no way they could even begin to understand the pent-up anger I have. It is my duty as their daughter to accept and let go. They need me to love them unconditionally even though they could not do that for me.