Thank you all for the speedy replies. It is very kind of you to say hello and show me that I'm not completely alone.
I guess to the outside world I am mostly functional. I have worked most of my adult life, am educated, have lots of skills, appear articulate and together. I have a heap of flaws as well. I have deep abandonment wounds which will not heal, , but I know it is possible to walk with them more positively than I do now.
I really relate to the comments about "best thinking" and also relate to the issues of low self esteem and have probably had depression most of my life (note: I live with this and am not suicidal or anything - it is more of a pervasive inner sadness). Something I have realised is that these issues have been with me whether I was drinking or not. I have explored therapy/counselling on various occasions to try and fix what I think is my flawed self, somehow whatever I have found in those situations has not stayed with me.
I do think I'm kind of primally damaged, but I also know many people are, and this is no excuse to continue to harm myself more.
So, I'm not thinking things will be spectacular when I stop harming myself with alcohol and other substances (I also smoke cigarettes which needs to stop), but hope there will be a kind of contentment somewhere at some point in my life.
Many thanks for saying hello, and having a space for someone like me to offload. I will check in again soon.
x