It's great that you're here.
Recovery seems to be something that you just have to do on faith/hope/whatever. You just put one foot in front of the other, do the next right thing, and things get better. Most times, you don't even believe that they will.
Most of us (me) had rather sit around and think about it and find reasons why it couldn't work for ourselves. We're using, what is called our "best thinking". You'll hear in the recovery community the phrase "your best thinking got you right where you are". That is so true. If my best thinking got me where I am ..... it's probably not going to get me out of it.
Maybe find a meeting and do something different. I think you'll find that it works but you have to put out a little effort.
"If ya keep on doin what your doin....you'll keep on gettin what you're gettin".
And then the alcoholic/addict brain says "yeah, but {fill in the blank}...".
All the best.