Yes, most of us will relate, Mirage. Welcome to the family.
I did the same sort of thing for many years, but I finally figured out that trying to control the amounts I drank never worked. I was determined to not let go of it so I could have a few once in awhile. I tried everything - summoned up all the willpower I had - and I never once kept my promises to myself. Finally admitting I could never touch it is what made me free. You can do it, too. We're glad you are here.