Bumble, I had a similar experience. I started seeing an alcohol counselor a few yrs ago & all the talking & working on "trying" to stay sober, the minute I my hour was up, I was at the liquor store 1 block away.
The whole time thinking WTH?
It created major anxiety & fear as Dee said. And I couldn't cope, didn't know how.
But the main thing was I just was not ready yet. I did not want to quit BAD enough yet. I had to get to point where the thought of never drinking again was OKAY.
Unfortunately, it took me a few more yrs of misery & fighting myself to get there.
I hope you can be honest with yourself. It's hard. You think how am I gonna do this? Even faced with ALL the evidence of how bad it is hurting you.
And you know deep down you need to but can't.
We've all been there. Addiction is irrational.
I got sober after I found SR, utilized things from here, read the BB, Beyond the Influence...Then studied AVRT..that helped me the most. Realizing it wasn't ME who wanted to drink, it was my addictive voice. Lizard brain, whatever you wanna call it.
I felt like a crazy person, Jekyll & Hyde...AVRT made sense to me.
I hope you find whatever works for you. Just keep looking & working toward recovery.
Never give up.