minneapolisgrrl - you wrote:
"I've been running away for so many years from myself...Waking up alone, going to bed alone, being alone in my house-all so new to me. Not trusting that I am worthy because there is no one there to tell me so. Not feeling lovable or beautiful because there is no one there to shower compliments on me."
I love you - and wish I could give you a big hug for all your hard work trying to gain true perpective & become the person you want to be. Bless you!
I live alone as well, which is difficult, given my abandonment issues - and I have recently driven away a good woman because of my sex & love addiction - it got me to go to Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous, and the withdrawal is tough, but much better than living a lie! I need to finally learn who I am, and to try to love (myself and others) without lying or cheating, as I did in the past.
Making peace with yourself is hard. You MUST learn to forgive yourself, and learn to truly love yourself. The many horrible things addicts (esp love addicts) do is tied to childish origins.
A child is just that - immature, and using whatever coping mechanisms are available - and we (read: me) tend to use these coping, "guick fix" pleasure hits to self-medicate. Becasuse of this, I suggest you not bathe in pain, it may be feeding the negative self-image you have clung to. Try to feel some healthy pleasure.
Beating addiction is REALLY HARD!!! I repeat: Beating addiction is REALLY HARD!!!
But you need to stop (or lessen) the pain, by giving yourself some rest at times.
It reminds me of the old zen tale:
A martial arts student went to his teacher and said earnestly, "I am devoted to studying your system. How long will it take me to master it." The teacher's reply was casual, "Ten years." Impatiently, the student answered, "But I want to master it faster than that. I will work very hard. I will practice everyday, ten or more hours a day if I have to. How long will it take then?" The teacher thought for a moment, "20 years."
found at this site:
http://www.utah.edu/stc/tai-chi/stories.html#17
The basis is this - if you try too hard, if you single-mindedly push for one goal, you will not be open to the enlightenment gained by "stopping to smell the roses". Sorry to mix cultural metaphors, but --- you get the idea.
This morning I was singing to myself, "I love me, I love myself, I accept love from anybody else!"
It seemed to help.
With love,
Mark