Take more serious measures in locking down the things that are causing you pain. Feeling like nothing else matters except the present. But the present is a gift for the future and it does not stay still. Make a present for yourself, for your family, just keep trying, keep moving. Eventually you have to face reality and that is benzos are not that great for long term. I actually find them quite addicting. They compliment drinking so well. Russian roulette is a lot safer.