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Im not going to drink today

Old 02-23-2013, 07:43 PM
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Im not going to drink today

But to be perfectly honest, I'm still going to take my benzos. My hubby is not a good hider of drugs.

This is a good start right!!? I get suicidal without them and I can't bear that today.

I've had NA drummed into my head that it's all or nothing but today I'm going harm minimization and will work towards the rest

Woke up and could barely move so hungover. Another morning of being surprised I actually woke up.

Went to Churxh.

No drinking today. You hear me av??
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Old 02-23-2013, 07:46 PM
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Are you still planning to see someone next week, MLC?

D
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Old 02-23-2013, 07:52 PM
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I've still got an appointment but I really want to fond someone elae
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Old 02-24-2013, 12:54 AM
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No drink yet. Lots of benzos and lots of tears. My poor
Family: what's the fecking point honestly???
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Old 02-24-2013, 03:40 AM
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What's driving you to want to see someone else?

The point is, you're better than this and deserve to be sober and happy. We've all been where you are, know and *understand* just how difficult it is, but you can do this!

Other members have stated what has worked for them; some have suggested that they got (and stayed) sober for their kids and partners, and gained enough self-worth to want this for themselves. Why not try that?

You have a duty and a responsibility as a Mother and Wife to not only look out for your family, but YOU too! Believe it or not, you have the choice to pick up the phone and reach out, get to an AA meeting (would you drive 2 hours to get alcohol if you felt that was your only option?), call Directline, but the crux of the matter is you need to start somewhere.....

Knowing your own history, you have every right to tear up a script or seek a second opinion; I know that in active alcoholism, I'd pick and choose those who I knew would tell me what I wanted to hear, or give me what I wanted to take. Being a medical professional doesn't make anyone Godlike; even Doctors can be prone to oversights and lack knowledge in some areas.

Every alcoholic or addict I've met has said that the ticket to recovery is in action (no matter what their recovery method), not in thinking about it. I hope you find the courage within yourself to do this and grab it with both hands while you still can

Xx
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Old 02-24-2013, 06:23 AM
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Take more serious measures in locking down the things that are causing you pain. Feeling like nothing else matters except the present. But the present is a gift for the future and it does not stay still. Make a present for yourself, for your family, just keep trying, keep moving. Eventually you have to face reality and that is benzos are not that great for long term. I actually find them quite addicting. They compliment drinking so well. Russian roulette is a lot safer.
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Old 02-24-2013, 07:33 AM
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Originally Posted by Midlifecrisis View Post

I've had NA drummed into my head that it's all or nothing
Are you going to the meetings? Got a Home Group and a sponsor?

It sounds like you haven't surrendered to the NA program. I couldn't stay sober until I surrendered to AA.

All the best.

Bob R
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Old 02-24-2013, 07:46 AM
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Thumbs up

No alcohol is perfect along with not
having it in your home so you are
not faced with temptations to pick
up.

A visit to a doctor to get non narcotic
meds or anything that is habit forming
for a chemical imbalance in ur system
is also perfect in early recovery.

To insure you remain sober and clean
would mean being honest with your doctor
that being in early recovery, your sobriety
and recovery is extremely important to
you and that he not prescribe things that
would put ur recovery in jeopardy.

In todays age, doctors freely give meds
out for anything and everything a patiant
would ask for unless they know we are in
recovery. Be stern and honest with them
and patiant as they work with you to find
the right meds to work with ur body, mind
and soul.

It took me a year to find what worked well
for my own chemical embalance. Nothing
habit forming nor narcotic and no alcohol
for the past 22yrs.

Remember that what works for one person
may not be be right for you. We all have
different bodies and inner systems, so work
with your doctor for medical assistance
and a recovery program of NA or AA for
sobriety.
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Old 02-24-2013, 07:52 AM
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What is the "point"? LIFE is the point, MLC. And I think you want that, or else you would not be reaching out to us.

I said in an earlier post that your children NEED you. My hope is that you take to heart even just one small thing any of your friends here have said. We care and want you to live a beautiful life.....But that cannot happen with drugs and alcohol.

Even if it's not the doctor you want right now, I hope you will keep your appointment. THAT is a start.
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Old 02-24-2013, 07:55 AM
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Not drinking is a start, but only a start.

The benzos are messing with you badly right now. You don't need your husband to hide them from you. Call a Crisis line and get a tapering plan going and stick with it. It's your responsibility to do this for yourself and your five children. Go to an ER if you need to in order to get started on getting off the drugs. Prayers for you.
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Old 02-24-2013, 07:57 AM
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(I'm not going to drink today) = Good! I am sure you can do it.

Take care
Valx
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Old 02-24-2013, 08:21 AM
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MLC

When i would run out of pain pills or decide not to use them, i would take benzos thru the day.

You said lots of benzos and lots of tears...

I'm not sure how many or what exactly your taking but do be careful.

Stop the insanity!!! You don't have to go on and on like this.

I used benzos ALOT, sometimes a whole prescription in a couple days.

Now that I'm looking back with a clear head, i AM lucky to be alive!!

You need to get a doctors help with this at the very least!!
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Old 02-24-2013, 02:42 PM
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Originally Posted by Quinne View Post
What's driving you to want to see someone else?

The point is, you're better than this and deserve to be sober and happy. We've all been where you are, know and *understand* just how difficult it is, but you can do this!

Other members have stated what has worked for them; some have suggested that they got (and stayed) sober for their kids and partners, and gained enough self-worth to want this for themselves. Why not try that?

You have a duty and a responsibility as a Mother and Wife to not only look out for your family, but YOU too! Believe it or not, you have the choice to pick up the phone and reach out, get to an AA meeting (would you drive 2 hours to get alcohol if you felt that was your only option?), call Directline, but the crux of the matter is you need to start somewhere.....

Knowing your own history, you have every right to tear up a script or seek a second opinion; I know that in active alcoholism, I'd pick and choose those who I knew would tell me what I wanted to hear, or give me what I wanted to take. Being a medical professional doesn't make anyone Godlike; even Doctors can be prone to oversights and lack knowledge in some areas.

Every alcoholic or addict I've met has said that the ticket to recovery is in action (no matter what their recovery method), not in thinking about it. I hope you find the courage within yourself to do this and grab it with both hands while you still can

Xx
Actually at this point I would not drive 2 hours to get alcohol. Back in the day I would have driven that far to get heroin or meth. I'm not doing a 5 hour round trip at night time to go to a meeting, I've decided that. Dee gave me some links to online ones and I'm going to get serious today about following them up. I have also told my hubby I'm ringing a detx today. I will choose a program of recovery.

I was honest with both the doc and the counselor. The prob out here is that we have all the new docs doing their country serivce and nobody sticks around for long. I'm freaking as I'm nearly out of another prescription. Thanks for the reply.

Originally Posted by hollowx View Post
Take more serious measures in locking down the things that are causing you pain. Feeling like nothing else matters except the present. But the present is a gift for the future and it does not stay still. Make a present for yourself, for your family, just keep trying, keep moving. Eventually you have to face reality and that is benzos are not that great for long term. I actually find them quite addicting. They compliment drinking so well. Russian roulette is a lot safer.
I find them totally addicitive. They are like a beautiful blanket that makes all the emtional and physical pain melt away. Take a handful and you can just pass out and forget everything. I was totally addicted a few months ago as well as taking a box of painkillers everyday or two, plus alcohol, oxy if I could get it and morphine. Even the kids phenerghan when all else failed. Insanity. All justified by 'at least I'm not shooting up meth/heroin/pills' anymore....at least it's legal, blah blah. The withdrawal frm benzos last year was terrifying and I'm so scared. It hasn't been long this time but I'm only small and it doesn't take long for me to build a tolerance.

Originally Posted by 2granddaughters View Post
Are you going to the meetings? Got a Home Group and a sponsor?

It sounds like you haven't surrendered to the NA program. I couldn't stay sober until I surrendered to AA.

All the best.

Thanks, no, we have no meetings here but as I sa d above, I am seriously looking today for online meetings. My pastor has been great as an ex addict himself.
Bob R
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Old 02-24-2013, 02:50 PM
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Originally Posted by LDT View Post
What is the "point"? LIFE is the point, MLC. And I think you want that, or else you would not be reaching out to us.

I said in an earlier post that your children NEED you. My hope is that you take to heart even just one small thing any of your friends here have said. We care and want you to live a beautiful life.....But that cannot happen with drugs and alcohol.

Even if it's not the doctor you want right now, I hope you will keep your appointment. THAT is a start.
I want a beautiful life too I just said that to my hubby this morning before he went to work. I'm TERRIFIED that without substances I'll go straight back to bulimia and THAT will kill me faster than the drugs. I will keep the appointment. That counselor frustrated me no end though

Originally Posted by Anna View Post
Not drinking is a start, but only a start.

The benzos are messing with you badly right now. You don't need your husband to hide them from you. Call a Crisis line and get a tapering plan going and stick with it. It's your responsibility to do this for yourself and your five children. Go to an ER if you need to in order to get started on getting off the drugs. Prayers for you.
I'm going to call the salvo detox today and see what they say Anna. I've told two people irl that I will so they can keep me accountable also. I'm so, so, so scared of losing the comfort of the benzos and the alchol just means I can get away with using less and hacing to lie to docs less. Familiar story. I'm terrified. It hasn't been long I've been abusing substances again but it's replaced my awful ED that was killing me after 16 years. I can't go back there.

Originally Posted by peanut44 View Post
MLC

When i would run out of pain pills or decide not to use them, i would take benzos thru the day.

You said lots of benzos and lots of tears...

I'm not sure how many or what exactly your taking but do be careful.

Stop the insanity!!! You don't have to go on and on like this.

I used benzos ALOT, sometimes a whole prescription in a couple days.

Now that I'm looking back with a clear head, i AM lucky to be alive!!

You need to get a doctors help with this at the very least!!
I'm using too many and scared of not being able to get more....last year they were combined with all kinds of opiates and alcohol and I haven't gone down the opiate track this time. Last year WAS insanity, I am lucky also to be alive. So was when I was early 20's and injecting all kinds f crap into my body Alot of people in my life still think I'm normal. I think.....
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Old 02-24-2013, 02:57 PM
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Hi MLC...your story frightens me as I remember oh too well those feelings you are sharing with us. This happend to me back a few months ago & I almost died. I pray you seek some help, I saw you have 5 children. ..I have 4. It can be so hard & scary, but you are important!

[QUOTE=jstar;3677652]alright ...getting back up & on with life!

last week was horrible the week before last on Thursday ...i had a bad moment & gave myself permission to buy vodka and drink it - throwing away 100+ days of sobriety . worst mistake I've ever made! I blacked out during/just after my first glass...while i was blacked out I apparently swallowed a handful of xanax and my husband had to take me to the ER. I had fallen several times in my house, had extremely low blood pressure, had a seizure and almost died...friggin the scariest thing that's ever happened to me.]
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Old 02-24-2013, 03:06 PM
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"lots of benzos and lots of tears"...

Ask yourself: What is the point of getting high if you are not having a good time but are feeling terrible? That's part of the insanity.

Best of luck to you. You can do it if you truly want it.
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Old 02-24-2013, 03:19 PM
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[QUOTE=jstar;3833940]Hi MLC...your story frightens me as I remember oh too well those feelings you are sharing with us. This happend to me back a few months ago & I almost died. I pray you seek some help, I saw you have 5 children. ..I have 4. It can be so hard & scary, but you are important!

Originally Posted by jstar View Post
alright ...getting back up & on with life!

last week was horrible the week before last on Thursday ...i had a bad moment & gave myself permission to buy vodka and drink it - throwing away 100+ days of sobriety . worst mistake I've ever made! I blacked out during/just after my first glass...while i was blacked out I apparently swallowed a handful of xanax and my husband had to take me to the ER. I had fallen several times in my house, had extremely low blood pressure, had a seizure and almost died...friggin the scariest thing that's ever happened to me.]
I'm so sorry. I can see how easily that could happen, that was nearly me n Sunday night for the same reasons except val not xanax.
Originally Posted by Carlotta View Post
"lots of benzos and lots of tears"...

Ask yourself: What is the point of getting high if you are not having a good time but are feeling terrible? That's part of the insanity.

Best of luck to you. You can do it if you truly want it.
Tears as the benzos wear off....easily fixed unfortunately You're right, what is the point???
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Old 02-24-2013, 03:36 PM
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How many benzos in a 24 period? What dose? Many people are worried about you ODing by accident.

As an addicted physician Mom, I am telling you right now, your kids aren't sure that you will wake up in the morning:

I am deadly serious MLC, they are VERY worried about you.

Hugs,
Pam
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Old 02-24-2013, 03:51 PM
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I thought benzos were actually pretty hard to od on unless combine d win drink or opiates?

Um, I'm truinfn to stop the alcohol. Didnt drink years us yay me

How Muxh is too Muxh Valium on its own?
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Old 02-24-2013, 03:55 PM
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With not win
And yesterday not years obviously.

I'm starting to freak out that someone that knows me is reading this.
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