Sometimes I just collapse on my couch crying because actually feeling pain is so new to me. I've always tried to avoid feeling by getting involved in numerous affairs with men who, for whatever reason, were unavailable to me emotionally. And the more I tried to get them to "love" me, the more empty I felt. The more I tried to become what I thought they wanted, the less I knew who I was anymore. I was so afraid to be alone because I knew I would have to face years and years of pain and childhood memories of sexual and emotional abuse. I've been running away for so many years from myself...Waking up alone, going to bed alone, being alone in my house-all so new to me. Not trusting that I am worthy because there is no one there to tell me so. Not feeling lovable or beautiful because there is no one there to shower compliments on me. I know that sounds selfish and vain, but actually it comes from a place deep down inside where I was taught that my only worth was how I looked. And all these years, being a staunch feminist, I was always so ashamed and would deny to myself that deep down that was a core belief drilled into me by my parents. Growing up in this culture doesn't help - this youth-obsessed, body-conscious culture that emphasizes appearance over content. Sex and love addiction is a progressive disease, just like any other addiction. My affairs went from being a couple months long to a few weeks or dates and my behaviour got more and more self-destructive just to get someone to love me and save me from myself. I've spent tons of money on airline tickets, clothes, gifts - I've allowed men to hit me, I even had unprotected sex. The behaviour took on a life of its own and I contemplated suicide so many times. I just couldn't stop. I wasn't paying attention to any of the important things in my life. For the first time in my life, ever, I am facing pain head-on. I am not running away. I'd like to say that I feel brave, but I'm just scared. I feel so ill-equipped to handle these emotions. So I just sit still and let the pain just roll over me and try not to do anything-try to stay in the moment-because the more I try to push it away, or cover it up or deny it, the more it grows. I just need to take it like medicine-it's really icky but it will make you feel better...right?
