Thank you for sharing posiesperson.
Your post resonated with me as I'm in that stage you were in regarding figuring out what I want and don't want in a date. I was in a situation not too long ago where I found myself hanging out with a male friend a lot and developing what I thought were feelings, but I had to step back and ask myself, are these really feelings? My analysis brought me to understand that they weren't feelings, but more so, he was filling that void I have concerning my low self-esteem. I liked the attention he was giving me, even though he was also talking to another female (we weren't officially dating or anything serious). I thought I wanted something more, but when I was honest with myself, I could list numerous traits of his that I did not want for my future or in my life, so why was I getting upset over the fact that he was talking to another female? I liked him chasing me. I liked the attention he gave me, but ultimately do I see myself with him? No. There are a lot of things in his life that would not help me positively.
While he had a lot of traits I did like, I also noted that he was very insecure, which reminded me a lot of my XABF. He could not take a joke, made "joking" side comments about other guys who might be after me, or would fish me for compliments about himself and it was such a familiar feeling as my ex needed a lot of reassurance as well. I discovered that I tend to date insecure men. I tend to put myself in situations that I know is not ideal but somehow deeply wish that the man would "change" for me, thereby, making me feel "worth it" (e.g. this man talking to another female and hoping he would leave her and pick to be exclusively with me). It's crazy that even after leaving my XABF some patterns just follow me around, but I am thankful to SR and Al-Anon that I can recognize this was a pattern and end it immediately.
I do want to take things slowly as you have to avoid jumping into another relationship that is bound to fail. When I caught myself behaving in ways that would not lead me to my goal, that's when I felt such a relief of maturity and gratitude. It is wonderful to be able to identify these things and stop them before they get worse. Really and truly, I still have to work on myself to help me recognize that I do deserve better and I am good enough so that I don't just date any guy and subject myself to these things that bring me down.