Loving myself?

Old 02-20-2013, 07:15 AM
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Loving myself?

So i have been reflecting a lot lately. I have been working on loving myself-for who I am am, and for who I am not. I know that I am a good person. I am generous, caring, campassionate, loving, and hard working. Yet-everyone seems to see and believe that except for me. I know it's true but there is that nagging part of my head that says it isnt good enough.

I didnt date for most of my life. A few one or two month relationships in high school, didnt date at all in college. Unlike most of my friends, I just wasn't interested in wasting my time with someone I didnt see a future with. I thought when I met him I would know. And that would be it-he would be the one for me. Stupid, I know.

I guess I am just holding myself to ridiculous standards. Standards that nobody else is even thinking about. Nobody is criticizing me, or looking down on me if I don't reach them. Well nobody except for myself. Why can't I realize that who I am is good enough? It is good enough for everyone around me. Heck it is more than good enough for everyone around me. I have had several guys ask me out recently and all I can think is....why would they want to date me? I'm not looking to date right now anyway, but why cant I see what they see?

Why can't I realize that I am good enough as I am?
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Old 02-20-2013, 08:09 AM
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bamboo,

I think this is one of the most painful places to be...this place allows for poor treatment/abuse, self-betrayal, self-abandonment, etc. Ugh.

I think the best way I can respond to your post is to talk about my own experiences with this issue. Most of my life was a facade for a long, long time. I was "successful" in the eyes of many, but not in my own eyes. So I started to journal to the parts of me that didn't feel good about myself and began the deep process of examining my grief and anger that served as a barrier to self-esteem...the same barrier that allowed me to put myself in relationship with alcoholics and abusers and then to be crazed with emotion much of the time.

In addition to journaling I meditated, went to Alanon (at times up to 5 meetings a week), surrounded myself with people actively working the program, got a sponsor, and went to therapy. I learned a lot.

After a while I started to truly "date" for the first time in my life, at 40 years old. Prior to that I would meet someone and immediately get into a relationship with them. I wanted to do it differently this time. So I spent 3 months going on multiple "coffee dates"--and I mean ONE date only, and ONLY for coffee. I kept notes. I found out that I didn't like dates who showed up in ripped jeans and faded T-shirts to meet me for the first time, those who included any kind of sexual flirting when I barely knew them (no matter if they said they were "joking" or not--I didn't find it funny), or those who asked me out to a bar instead of a coffee shop. The list goes on. They all showed me aspects of who they were before I went any further. I got REALLY picky and found out that I liked how that felt. My self-esteem grew. I got comfortable saying "no thanks" to having another date if the person didn't meet my criteria, which got more specific. Every time I said "no thanks" I seemed to have better "candidates" arrive on the scene. It was amazing! I made up my mind that I wouldn't allow myself to even consider exclusively dating any of them until I had dated them for at least 3 times and didn't see any red flags. Only 2 men got 2nd dates. The first one I dated for 3 weeks, the second one is still my boyfriend after 1.5 years. He isn't alcoholic or addict-like in his behavior, he can argue respectfully, he isn't perfect but he supports my success and independence, my dedication to Alanon and my spiritual path. He has a different path in his life, but he respects the way I'm living life and in fact admires it (who knew THAT could happen??!). But more importantly, I respect myself and my path, above all else.

I'm telling you all of this because I hear you, and I've walked the same steps that it sounds like you're walking. For me, I had to find myself, and that meant beginning to learn that the way I treated myself was the magnet for how I would be treated in relationship.

Oh, and as an additional note I also made a list of the things I truly liked about myself--it could be as simple as the way I pet/care for/love my dog. For me I had to be as specific as possible because the general words such as "caring," "compassionate" and "loyal" all applied but I had to find specific examples in my life where I recognized those characteristics about myself and appreciated them. But once I got started, and consistently focussed on what I liked about myself, I could consider the possibility of loving myself. And now I do!

Sending you hugs,
posie
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Old 02-20-2013, 08:37 AM
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Originally Posted by posiesperson View Post
bamboo,

I think this is one of the most painful places to be...this place allows for poor treatment/abuse, self-betrayal, self-abandonment, etc. Ugh.

I think the best way I can respond to your post is to talk about my own experiences with this issue. Most of my life was a facade for a long, long time. I was "successful" in the eyes of many, but not in my own eyes. So I started to journal to the parts of me that didn't feel good about myself and began the deep process of examining my grief and anger that served as a barrier to self-esteem...the same barrier that allowed me to put myself in relationship with alcoholics and abusers and then to be crazed with emotion much of the time.

In addition to journaling I meditated, went to Alanon (at times up to 5 meetings a week), surrounded myself with people actively working the program, got a sponsor, and went to therapy. I learned a lot.

After a while I started to truly "date" for the first time in my life, at 40 years old. Prior to that I would meet someone and immediately get into a relationship with them. I wanted to do it differently this time. So I spent 3 months going on multiple "coffee dates"--and I mean ONE date only, and ONLY for coffee. I kept notes. I found out that I didn't like dates who showed up in ripped jeans and faded T-shirts to meet me for the first time, those who included any kind of sexual flirting when I barely knew them (no matter if they said they were "joking" or not--I didn't find it funny), or those who asked me out to a bar instead of a coffee shop. The list goes on. They all showed me aspects of who they were before I went any further. I got REALLY picky and found out that I liked how that felt. My self-esteem grew. I got comfortable saying "no thanks" to having another date if the person didn't meet my criteria, which got more specific. Every time I said "no thanks" I seemed to have better "candidates" arrive on the scene. It was amazing! I made up my mind that I wouldn't allow myself to even consider exclusively dating any of them until I had dated them for at least 3 times and didn't see any red flags. Only 2 men got 2nd dates. The first one I dated for 3 weeks, the second one is still my boyfriend after 1.5 years. He isn't alcoholic or addict-like in his behavior, he can argue respectfully, he isn't perfect but he supports my success and independence, my dedication to Alanon and my spiritual path. He has a different path in his life, but he respects the way I'm living life and in fact admires it (who knew THAT could happen??!). But more importantly, I respect myself and my path, above all else.

I'm telling you all of this because I hear you, and I've walked the same steps that it sounds like you're walking. For me, I had to find myself, and that meant beginning to learn that the way I treated myself was the magnet for how I would be treated in relationship.

Oh, and as an additional note I also made a list of the things I truly liked about myself--it could be as simple as the way I pet/care for/love my dog. For me I had to be as specific as possible because the general words such as "caring," "compassionate" and "loyal" all applied but I had to find specific examples in my life where I recognized those characteristics about myself and appreciated them. But once I got started, and consistently focussed on what I liked about myself, I could consider the possibility of loving myself. And now I do!

Sending you hugs,
posie
Haha I love your dating idea! I have actually started doing that myself. More to get out and about than anything-but it's been fun. I tend to attract the weirdos...or maybe there are just a LOT of weirdos out there. The one guy kept messaging me and asking me out even after I said I was not interested. The other started talking about how he pleases his lady in bed and how much he loves to please a lady before I even met him-so no need to meet that one! I will def start writing down what I liked/disliked about each-thats a good idea!
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Old 02-20-2013, 09:39 AM
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there is that nagging part of my head that says it isnt good enough.

is there a voice from your past or childhood that said that?
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Old 02-20-2013, 09:40 AM
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
there is that nagging part of my head that says it isnt good enough.

is there a voice from your past or childhood that said that?
No, thats the funny part. Nobody has ever put pressure on me in any way. Not my family, friends, teachers-nothing. It all comes from myself
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Old 02-20-2013, 10:06 AM
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Thank you for sharing posiesperson.

Your post resonated with me as I'm in that stage you were in regarding figuring out what I want and don't want in a date. I was in a situation not too long ago where I found myself hanging out with a male friend a lot and developing what I thought were feelings, but I had to step back and ask myself, are these really feelings? My analysis brought me to understand that they weren't feelings, but more so, he was filling that void I have concerning my low self-esteem. I liked the attention he was giving me, even though he was also talking to another female (we weren't officially dating or anything serious). I thought I wanted something more, but when I was honest with myself, I could list numerous traits of his that I did not want for my future or in my life, so why was I getting upset over the fact that he was talking to another female? I liked him chasing me. I liked the attention he gave me, but ultimately do I see myself with him? No. There are a lot of things in his life that would not help me positively.

While he had a lot of traits I did like, I also noted that he was very insecure, which reminded me a lot of my XABF. He could not take a joke, made "joking" side comments about other guys who might be after me, or would fish me for compliments about himself and it was such a familiar feeling as my ex needed a lot of reassurance as well. I discovered that I tend to date insecure men. I tend to put myself in situations that I know is not ideal but somehow deeply wish that the man would "change" for me, thereby, making me feel "worth it" (e.g. this man talking to another female and hoping he would leave her and pick to be exclusively with me). It's crazy that even after leaving my XABF some patterns just follow me around, but I am thankful to SR and Al-Anon that I can recognize this was a pattern and end it immediately.

I do want to take things slowly as you have to avoid jumping into another relationship that is bound to fail. When I caught myself behaving in ways that would not lead me to my goal, that's when I felt such a relief of maturity and gratitude. It is wonderful to be able to identify these things and stop them before they get worse. Really and truly, I still have to work on myself to help me recognize that I do deserve better and I am good enough so that I don't just date any guy and subject myself to these things that bring me down.
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Old 02-20-2013, 02:01 PM
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bamboo,

There are a lot of weirdos out there if I'm energetically sending out the "vibe" to welcome them in. When I have a "healthy vibe" then I attract the same--like attracts like. At times when I'm surrounded by "weirdos" or by several things happening that are challenging my boundaries, then it's time for me to do some reconnecting with myself and make some adjustments to increase my own emotional health. There were times I was coffee-dating when I STOPPED dating long enough to focus on myself because I was attracting the people that were more like my unhealthy patterns than the new goals for myself that I was learning to set.

Speaking of patterns, thanks to mdkathy for the insights about what you were doing--that's exactly what I found, too. Kudos to you!

I have to also say this: dating can be DANGEROUS. Period. It has substantial risks and I'm not just talking about a broken heart or contracting an STD. I posted a while ago about my safe dating tips: use a pseudonym, an e-mail address set up just for the purpose of dating, do NOT give out your phone number before you have met that person IN PERSON a few times (that's right, I always called the guy after our initial e-mail contact, until I felt comfortable with him having that info about me. Only the 2 guys who got 2nd dates got my phone number. And anyone who had a problem with that didn't get another minute of my time!), I parked my car away from the meeting place for coffee, such as in a plaza, and met in the daylight. After the date I could hang out at the plaza shops, meet a friend, etc. And speaking of friends, I told friends who I was meeting, where, when, and what I knew about that person--based only on my date's word, of course, so it was subject to some skepticism. I had a guy continue to contact me via e-mail when I said "no thanks" and I promptly blocked him and changed my e-mail address.

I made some mistakes but I learned and applied them to the next scenario. Was I tempted at times, early in my recovery, to loosen my "acceptable treatment" criteria? Absolutely. That's why every dating candidate was discussed with my sponsor, therapist and program friends to help me stay honest with myself.

Don't compromise. We receive the standards of treatment that we agree to...so what I've learned is to not settle!

Good luck and have fun,
posie
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Old 02-20-2013, 04:03 PM
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Wow, I'm impressed with your system.

I've been on indefinite hiatus from dating, in large part because a relationship feels like too much work to me right now. I enjoy not having to please anyone but myself, and maybe I'm just too damn selfish. On the positive side, I'm not making some poor guy miserable. :-)

My biggest problem has always been worrying about hurting people's feelings (no matter how much of a jerk they are), and also getting swept away by people who simply like me.

I have a feeling that the emotional wall I have around me isn't a hundred percent healthy, either, but right now it feels safe to me. And I'm not unhappy or lonely, so maybe that "should" thinking is just me imposing other people's values on myself.

At some point that may change, and I may be ready to open up to the possibility of sharing my life with someone else, but I don't feel any particular need to rush it.
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Old 02-21-2013, 05:55 AM
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Originally Posted by posiesperson View Post
bamboo,

There are a lot of weirdos out there if I'm energetically sending out the "vibe" to welcome them in. When I have a "healthy vibe" then I attract the same--like attracts like. At times when I'm surrounded by "weirdos" or by several things happening that are challenging my boundaries, then it's time for me to do some reconnecting with myself and make some adjustments to increase my own emotional health. There were times I was coffee-dating when I STOPPED dating long enough to focus on myself because I was attracting the people that were more like my unhealthy patterns than the new goals for myself that I was learning to set.

Speaking of patterns, thanks to mdkathy for the insights about what you were doing--that's exactly what I found, too. Kudos to you!

I have to also say this: dating can be DANGEROUS. Period. It has substantial risks and I'm not just talking about a broken heart or contracting an STD. I posted a while ago about my safe dating tips: use a pseudonym, an e-mail address set up just for the purpose of dating, do NOT give out your phone number before you have met that person IN PERSON a few times (that's right, I always called the guy after our initial e-mail contact, until I felt comfortable with him having that info about me. Only the 2 guys who got 2nd dates got my phone number. And anyone who had a problem with that didn't get another minute of my time!), I parked my car away from the meeting place for coffee, such as in a plaza, and met in the daylight. After the date I could hang out at the plaza shops, meet a friend, etc. And speaking of friends, I told friends who I was meeting, where, when, and what I knew about that person--based only on my date's word, of course, so it was subject to some skepticism. I had a guy continue to contact me via e-mail when I said "no thanks" and I promptly blocked him and changed my e-mail address.

I made some mistakes but I learned and applied them to the next scenario. Was I tempted at times, early in my recovery, to loosen my "acceptable treatment" criteria? Absolutely. That's why every dating candidate was discussed with my sponsor, therapist and program friends to help me stay honest with myself.

Don't compromise. We receive the standards of treatment that we agree to...so what I've learned is to not settle!

Good luck and have fun,
posie
Thanks for the tips. No worries-I am on first name basis only-have a seperate email account set up, and meet in busy areas-so im taking care of myself. :-)
Right now for me I need to find what I like. I never really dated-I just let it come to me when it did. I am not looking for a serious relationship-im just looking to meet some new people, find out what i like/dislike and have fun. I am not sleeping with ANYONE so I am not worried about the std factor. Im not even kissing anyone lol. and I WILL NOT accept unacceptable behavior. I am finding my confidence again and remembering that I deserve to be treated right!
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Old 02-22-2013, 07:42 AM
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Good morning bamboo10,

Glad to hear you are doing well. I'm in the same stage as you, just trying to figure out what I want, don't want, and not looking for a serious relationship. At times, I miss being in a relationship, but I remind myself that it's better to wait for a good relationship then to get in a bad one. I also feel somewhat traumatized from my experiences with my XABF. There is an emotional wall up again. I feel more rational. I feel like I see things with more clarity. I can read people better, e.g., I can tell if someone is serious or just flirting and wasting my time and it's time to end it. I'm more careful with who I let into my life and who I let my guard down for whereas before I would see red flags and keep pursuing something hoping that things would magically change.

It's empowering to know I have so much control over my own life and kind of silly to say in a way. Almost like I never knew I could be this happy, this strong, and this alive.
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