bamboo,
I think this is one of the most painful places to be...this place allows for poor treatment/abuse, self-betrayal, self-abandonment, etc. Ugh.
I think the best way I can respond to your post is to talk about my own experiences with this issue. Most of my life was a facade for a long, long time. I was "successful" in the eyes of many, but not in my own eyes. So I started to journal to the parts of me that didn't feel good about myself and began the deep process of examining my grief and anger that served as a barrier to self-esteem...the same barrier that allowed me to put myself in relationship with alcoholics and abusers and then to be crazed with emotion much of the time.
In addition to journaling I meditated, went to Alanon (at times up to 5 meetings a week), surrounded myself with people actively working the program, got a sponsor, and went to therapy. I learned a lot.
After a while I started to truly "date" for the first time in my life, at 40 years old. Prior to that I would meet someone and immediately get into a relationship with them. I wanted to do it differently this time. So I spent 3 months going on multiple "coffee dates"--and I mean ONE date only, and ONLY for coffee. I kept notes. I found out that I didn't like dates who showed up in ripped jeans and faded T-shirts to meet me for the first time, those who included any kind of sexual flirting when I barely knew them (no matter if they said they were "joking" or not--I didn't find it funny), or those who asked me out to a bar instead of a coffee shop. The list goes on. They all showed me aspects of who they were before I went any further. I got REALLY picky and found out that I liked how that felt. My self-esteem grew. I got comfortable saying "no thanks" to having another date if the person didn't meet my criteria, which got more specific. Every time I said "no thanks" I seemed to have better "candidates" arrive on the scene. It was amazing! I made up my mind that I wouldn't allow myself to even consider exclusively dating any of them until I had dated them for at least 3 times and didn't see any red flags. Only 2 men got 2nd dates. The first one I dated for 3 weeks, the second one is still my boyfriend after 1.5 years. He isn't alcoholic or addict-like in his behavior, he can argue respectfully, he isn't perfect but he supports my success and independence, my dedication to Alanon and my spiritual path. He has a different path in his life, but he respects the way I'm living life and in fact admires it (who knew THAT could happen??!).
But more importantly, I respect myself and my path, above all else.
I'm telling you all of this because I hear you, and I've walked the same steps that it sounds like you're walking. For me, I had to find myself, and that meant beginning to learn that the way I treated myself was the magnet for how I would be treated in relationship.
Oh, and as an additional note I also made a list of the things I truly liked about myself--it could be as simple as the way I pet/care for/love my dog. For me I had to be as specific as possible because the general words such as "caring," "compassionate" and "loyal" all applied but I had to find specific examples in my life where I recognized those characteristics about myself and appreciated them. But once I got started, and consistently focussed on what I liked about myself, I could consider the possibility of loving myself. And now I do!
Sending you hugs,
posie